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hi all, glad to be here. i left the relationship recently, when it got to a point where i felt completely used up and empty. i had nothing left to give, and still he asked for more. i was able to move out, thankfully.
the most immediate, striking difference was that when i was away from him, i could think clearly, unlike i’d been able to for months? years? away from him, i was able to clearly think about things he had done, situations he put me in. anytime i went back, it was like i was walking into a fog. i kept trying to explain it to people and all i could say was, “he makes me so… confused.”
not a normal confusion, but one where i can’t follow the threads of my own thoughts, where he’s telling me one thing and then the next day telling me explicitly he didn’t say that.
my friends suggested the relationship had been abusive, specifically emotional neglect and abuse. i had never considered this before. since then i’ve been researching these terms, as well as cycle of abuse with alcoholics.
every time i read a list of emotional abuse symptoms, i can think of at least one scenario for each one. (but is that enough? does it still count? is it like emotional abuse lite?)
but still i doubt myself, i have an image in my mind of if he heard i was considering it abuse, he would be so hurt, and it’s my fault again.
since i’ve been gone, i’ve noticed my thought patterns are so different than what i feel like is normal for me. i’m insecure, i’m so down on myself, i hate my art, my work, i’m apologizing all the time, worrying that i’m annoying my friends and family.
my brain feels bruised. i feel so sad for the person i used to be, with dreams and trust and love to give. was it abuse? -
I’m very glad to hear that you are free.
It is important to read up, research and learn and process what you have experienced so that you can come to terms with it and also to protect you for the future.
I think that it is not unusual for people to have doubts when doing the reading up, you notice that on here. Women see the info, relate to it but still question and doubt- I think that is all part of it, the cycle of abuse. There are other more experienced and wiser women who will add to this that will explain that better I’m sure.
I think it is normal to feel sad too , to miss the person that you used to be. I think that through this though you will learn and grow and become stronger and you will reconnect with the things that you love and enjoy- it just takes time.
I will say that going through this process can be very inspiring for art and writing and anything creative- they can great tools for healing and recovery. It does feel strange at first to write or draw if you haven’t done so for a while as being abused can just drain you of any ability to express. Eventually though, there are things, words, pictures etc that you are just ‘drawn’ to express.I am waffling on here, not sure if I am making any sense at all, so I shall leave it there.
Hope you get some helpful posts.
Take care
Soulsearcher
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his favorite joke was saying “you don’t love me.” when i didn’t do something immediately that he wanted, or if i didn’t laugh at a joke he told, or for any reason. even after i told him i didn’t like this joke, that it made me feel bad, he stopped for a little and then started up again.
i have trauma around a specific sexual act, and told him at the beginning of the relationship that i had trauma and it would take me a while to feel comfortable doing that. he said he understood, that he wouldn’t want me to do anything i didn’t feel comfortable doing. after a few months, though, he started pressuring me to do it, saying he’d never been in a relationship where it didn’t happen, that it made him feel like i didn’t love him, that i wasn’t attracted to him. he had me questioning my own intentions, was i refusing to do it because of “trauma” or because i’m lazy and selfish?
one night he got black out drunk and told me he was considering having sex with a friend of his instead, because he knew she would do that specific act. i broke up with him over that comment, and it began this very scary situation where i could barely function without him. i couldn’t keep food down. i couldn’t think, my friends had to gather around me to make sure i was eating and sleeping. looking back on it now, the amount of intense manipulation he did to get me back into the relationship with him was… sickening. but the scariest part was that i would do anything to be in his light again. i wanted to be back with him.
eventually i did the sexual act, because he pressured me so much. after that, he would make a joke when a song we liked would come on (that was about that sexual act) and he would say he used to listen to that song and wonder if i would ever do it, and if i really loved him.
he wasn’t usually outright cruel, unless i was asking him to drink less (which i stopped asking). he just made little jokes and comments every day to pick away at my self-esteem. when i asked him to be nice to me, to say nice things about me, compliment me, show affection, he would say that that’s not his way of expressing love and he wasn’t capable of doing so.
it feels so hard to say that emotional neglect is abuse because it was just… nothing. it was the lack of affection, of attention, of care. and he conditioned me so well that i didn’t even realize i wasn’t receiving any of these things.
AND i found out recently that he had been sexting with an old friend the entire time we had been together. there were so many times he lied, and sometimes got caught in those lies, and he acted like it didn’t matter so if i cared about it, i was the one with the problem.
he seemed to just have no idea what to do when he upset me, he would just turn off completely, turn on the TV, get another beer, ignore me.
is this abuse??? i feel so crazy and alone. 🙁 -
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You have been through a lot. Yes it sounds like abuse to me. You have done the reading though and can see that too, you are just doubting yourself. That is normal though to do that.
I feel for you. Be kind to yourself and take your time.
When you feel up to it take a look through some of the topics on here, there’s is one on here started by iliketea ‘for women new to forum’ in there you will find links to some of the posts that survivors have made which might help you.
I’m taking a break now from forum for a little while- going to enjoy an evening watching a film but hopefully you’ll get some other posts on here to for reassurance and do keep posting to us on forum with your thoughts and progress.
Will check in with you agian.
Take care nowSoulsearcher
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