Just my thoughts why we dont leave

[lost]

Ramblings feom an insomniac who is ready to leave and jyst dealing with the shittyness of it. Why dont we leave or why does it take us so b****y long.

… It was perfect at the start…well not really but it was love. Real love you had never felt before..
He could make you feel like the most important person in the world…
He knows you. Inside and out. Your dreams your hopes. Everything.
You know him. You are together forever come what may. You and him against the world….

But here is where it unravels. This is what im working through at the moment.

It was real love. It felt real and was real. Thats hard to let go. Its what i wished for. Longed for. Someone to be half of our whole.you cant belive this was a lie…you dont belive it.

He can make you feel like the most important person in the world. But only when he chooses. You start to rely on that validation. Needing it really. If he dosnt approve then whats the point. Hes your soul mate right.

He does know you inside out. He can pinpoint your feelings with such accuracy you feel he can read your mind…..but sometimes he uses that sacred knowledge to gouge b****y great chunks of you away…then a little more until theres not much left.

Your hopes somehow become his hopes. Not sure when. But the things you want most are what he wants. Where did your hopes go….cant quite remember but they become less important.

Dreams…well did you really have those dreams…really …theres something just a bit off with them. His dreams are better. You start to really belive this.

You do know him. Well you think you do…but you cant predict what hell do. You have some exciting news. He may be over the moon…or he may be angry…or sad…or indifferent. Your so relived when he is posotive that it makes you love him even more. Catolouge this moment and try and repeat…but dont get upset when his reaction is different next time. You should know. Its your job to predict how he will react. Are you stupid? I cant belive you didnt know he would react like this. Stupid stupid stupid.

You are together forever come what may…you two alone. You dont need anyone else. Why do you need these other people in your lives. Dont you see they have slighted you? Dont you see they are using you/ mean/nasty/hateful…all these people you loved for years or a lifetime before…they are all bad.its just you and him against the world..if only you could just be better it would be perfect. Why cant you be better…no not like that. Why dont you know how to be perfect. I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CANT BE PERFECT.no not like that. I changed my mind since last tuesday. Perfect is different this week…..

I havnt had the guts to look up trauma bonding because it scares me to death that the last many many x years have been a lie. It scares me that there are patterns there that scream at me to watch my step and wake up and not play fair because the hand is rigged. But still….soul mates forever. I never gave up on that. I know hes broken and i know i didnt break him. But its so b****y hard to accept all this when you give your heart and soul to someone. That is such a precious gift. Its incomprehensible that someone would treat it badly…so you search and search to find a reason. A fix. Then you realise there isnt one. Its s**t.

[White Rose]

Yes that sums it up. Especially the fact that his mind has changed since last Tuesday and perfect is different this week.
It takes time to realise and time for the penny to drop with such a loud crash you wonder why you’ve had your fingers in your ears for so long.
I hope you manage to break free soon. It’s a long haul and so very tiring.
I’ve still not read about trauma bonding properly either, just skimned through information but couldn’t bring myself to relive the examples discussed, maybe I never will.
Look after yourself x*x

[KIP.]

It’s all psychological. When you’re ready I found this article fascinating x

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victims

[Confused-and-alone]

Wow u have pretty much described my life here, I’m sat here reading it and I could cry because this is just what’s become of my life – and I’m still here in it and can’t see a way out.

[Helovesmehesays]

I am crying. This is exactly how it feels. Loving him is the onky thing i know. I am empty, my other half has gone. How can i stop loving him? There is nothing left, my whole world has imploded. I thought i was the oy one and i feel so pathetic. Message me anytime, one day we WILL wake up an realise none of this is our fault. I’m not there yet, but everyone keeps telling me we will get there xx

[Starla]

Lost, this is brilliant, thank you for sharing.

[Twisted Sister]

Deleted for mistakes

[Twisted Sister]

You were supporting someone you thought was suffering, you explained away all his behaviours as being him suffering and why wouldn’t you believe his words, just why wouldnt you trust him?

You didn’t DO anything ladies, he abused you, he manipulated you into a state of mind, and eroded you, not to mention terrified, I don’t care who you are, you absolutely cannot function properly under these conditions.

If you go into a cult you are brain-washed and perps do the same, everything they do is to occupy your mind, entirely, it works, systematically, exactly like you said, you don’t know at what point that changed (adopting his hopes and beliefs)

You write it so well lost, we feel so stupid stupid stupid for not predicting the right reaction from him, or for us.

I didn’t read the link, but there’s some ownership going in the reactions on of what we should have done perhaps. Remember the terror, the crazy making, and that your world was packed with stress and distress, to function and not get ill under that is not humanly possible.

He used patriarchal bullying tools that have been so well tested over time against women and children. I hope it helps to understand the psychological mechanics of what actually takes place, so long as theres no blame/sense of responsibility for.

Go well
Ts

[Gemma]

Hi, reading your post felt like I was reading My Story. I felt that my love could help him, heal him, save him.

I know he had mental health issues. OCD, Body dismorphia. But live means loving the whole person doesn’t it. Not just bits and pieces we like. Real love is unconditional, right? The love and passion. The soul mate connection was more intense than anything I had ever known. He made me feel truly loved and special. But all I was for him was an obsession and possession. An extension of himself, with no thoughts of her own. Whatever he first saw in me, whatever made him want me, he grew bored with. But not to get rid of, but to try and remake in a new image. His image.

The frightening thing for me is seeing how prolific this type of behaviour is. That it was not unique to us. However, it is also reassuring to see that it wasn’t just me. Because he blamed me, and I blamed me. These men are sick and a danger to women.

I know he will repeat this pattern of behaviour again. It’s too ingrained. We were together over (Detail removed by Moderator) before I found the courage to leave. It was a living nightmare and yet I did not leave. And I hated and despised myself for being so weak. I don’t want anyone else to suffer as I did. Yet I am so grateful he is leaving me alone, I won’t take it further. I do feel responsible for other women he may do this to. But just want to put him behind me.Am I selfish?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Gemma, to answer your last question, no you are not selfish. If like me you just cant face going to court. Im afraid i wont be believed, and once i do leave, i know I’ll need to move away, cos i dont want to have to bump into him or have anything to do with him.my parents are elderly and my dad is her carer, i cant tell them how bad things really are. He has an ex wife and grown up kids. She hung around the same time as i have. He said she was the psycho, beat him made his life miserable!! I cant even bring her up and he flares into a rage ,YET he’s no qualms about talking about my ex or at times telling me to go back to him???

[Iwantmeback]

Yes that is our relationship pretty much. The constant changing of goal posts. How the lovely dinner you made last week is now on the floor this week cos he’s not eating that Sh..e.
i tried to reply to your post today but i couldnt find the words. I want to rescue you and your babies yet i cant rescue me!
Im reading a book just now by sandra horley called power and control. In it, it turns the question around from ‘why does she stay’ to ‘what stops her from leaving’.
Sending strength and love to you
IWMB💕💕

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