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    • #36412

      Can’t write much about what’s going on – too identifying among other things.

      Am really struggling, took a knife to my wrist last week. First time in years 🙁 I’m okay – and it’s already healed, but it scared me getting so bad again. Had some massive triggers with my ptsd.
      And counting down the days until criminal proceedings get going.

      Have sorted a safety plan and emergency grab bag. Just in case.

      Am considering running again. Changing names and doing it properly. Don’t know how I’m supposed to live when this is all over?

      I just really need a hug lately 🙁

    • #36416
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Just sending a hug LBP…know what its like to struggle in this way.🤗 you are so brave..

    • #36417
      WesternCloud
      Participant

      Oh poppet, do you have a support network outside of your relationship; friends, family? If you do you must draw on their support, they wouldnt want you feeling this way.
      From what you have said you are still living with him? What scares you most about leaving?
      It wont always be like this, from the sounds of things you are getting things in place and getting stuff sorted, focus on that light at the end of the tunnel.
      You must take care of yourself and get support from wherever you can, sometimes we just need someone else to be our strength, someone else to take the strain for a bit. I know its hard, I often feel like the only person I want to get support and care from is my ex but its a cycle we must break.

    • #36430
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Hi LBP, it’s so hard to keep being strong when it keeps going on and on. Sometimes hurting ourselves is the only way we can cope with the feelings. You are being incredibly brave and you have a big hurdle to face now, but this is the start of the end. There’s a big shining light waiting at the other end of the tunnel. Gather together as much support as possible through this. We are all here for you also. Sending big hugs ((()))) xx

    • #36432

      Thank you for hugs .x

      No am not still with him – fled to refuge a long time ago. Can’t write too much but the criminal case is going to trial very soon. Everyone is so focussed on getting us to that point, to trial, I don’t know how to live once that is over? Don’t know how I’m going to feel?
      I’m prepared to flee again…

      PeacefulPig that’s exactly it…it just goes on and on. Has done for such a long time now, I’m not sure how to feel when it’s all finally over? If indeed this is the end…there’s a chance it won’t be.

      I have plenty of support from various different professionals and friends, but they can’t be with me all the time to make sure I’m okay you know?

      Thanks again for hugs.x

    • #36433
      Confused123
      Participant

      HI Hun

      Sending u massive hug, please reach out for help and make sure your support is strong,theres nothing wrong with askig for help when we are feeling so low and helpless, could your gp help u by changing medication

    • #36435

      Most of my support comes from my mental health worker, she’s amazing. But because I self-harmed she has to refer me to the next stage up so I might lose her. I have so many agencies involved right now. I don’t think the gp will change my meds as I was so reluctant to go on them, and they put me on these ones to help me sleep. So no matter how bad things have gotten, I have been able to sleep which is massively better than it was. Sleep is amazing!

      Weird things have been happening which could be nothing, but could be a sign he’s found us. Have to keep an eye on it.

      So much going on, feel like I’m spinning. x

    • #36445
      White Rose
      Participant

      Keep talking to your support team. One new episode of self harm given everythibg going on hopefully won’t mean a change in your support worker – talk to her about it and express your worries about losing her and having to get yo know someone new.
      Have you reported the “weird” things? If not do. You’re not mad and if they’re worrying to you share them.
      It’s a really really difficult time for you and it’s probably going to feel worse as things move forward through legal process.
      Whatever the outcone is make sure you don’t lose your support network but that they continue supporting you at the other end of this.
      Look after yourself. I’m really glad you are sleeping x*x

    • #36449
      Suntree
      Participant

      I just want to send massive hugs ((((H))))

    • #36455
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi,

      I just wanted to show you some support. You have been through so much and are doing brilliantly. If you are concerned that he may have found you, even if it sounds trivial please let the police know. They may be able to do checks for you to ensure your continued safety. Please also speak to your key workers about how you are feeling and any concerns you may have about your safety.

      We are all here for you so please keep posting.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #36477

      Thank you lovelies.

      I spoke to the detective in charge of my case about the weird things…they’re all super minor and could be nothing, but at least she knows now and I’m keeping an eye on it. It’s so difficult because no one know for certain if he knows where I am or not. Only possibly two people would know for certain – and that’s him and the only person likely to have told him – and he wouldn’t admit to it anyway and that person wouldn’t admit it if they’d told him.
      So there’s no way to know. Unfortunately.
      Feels like he’s got that over me somehow.

      I had a break-in a few months ago which was so like what he used to do, again I can’t write much about it, but it felt like him saying “I’ve found you”. Everyone (including police, dv support, mental health support, everyone) says they don’t think he’d be stupid enough, or come this far out of his way to do that.
      But I know him. I’ve seen the things he’s done and the lengths he’s gone to before, he’s done some horrific things because he knows that if it can’t be proven it’s him, he can get away with it. Who even takes it seriously when someone says “I think my ex broke in and moved a saucepan” (for example) no one ever has. Some of the things he’s done in the past (to me & a previous gf) were not aggressive or really that threatening or sinister. They were more headworky. Coercive. Subtle.

      Spoke to the mental health team and looks like I get to keep my support worker 🙂 there’s not much the mental health team can do right now – things are going to get worse before they get better and I know that.

    • #36479
      Serenity
      Participant

      Huge hug, LBP.

      You’ve been trudging through the swamp for so long.

      As one who is out the other side, please gain hope that there is beeutiful hope and peace the other side- more than words can describe!

      I’m not saying it’s all plain sailing, but all you are going through is preparation for this wonderful paradise!

      Massive cuddles x

    • #36484
      Goldengirl
      Participant

      Hi, LBP. Be vigilant but don’t assume it is trivial. You either think you are going mad or that people will think it. Mine would come in (even though court told him to stay away)to remove a (detail removed by moderator) (it was special to me) and then put it somewhere else a few days later. These were things he liked to do when we together to make me think I was losing my mind. Or he would switch off hall lights in the middle of the night, all to make sure I’d know he’d been. I realised what he was doing and started to set traps to check if he was getting in. Putting things in certain positions in halls or near doors and take photos on my iPad to make certain I was right. The ‘traps’ would occasionally be moved and I’d know he’d been in the house. As you said, though, not proof to police. Good luck with case and getting your life back. Grab all the support you can. I am sending you huge hugs!

    • #36487
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Big hugs!

      Wait before you flee again. Stay alert.

      Let the court be over first.

      Rest as much as you can. Your brain is in overdrive.

      Report every suspicion you have to your detective.
      Ensure doors and windows are locked and outdoor lights are on.
      Keep your mobile phone on you at all times.
      When you go outside hold an alarm in your hands.

      Once the court is over reassess the situation and take it from there.

    • #36503

      Goldengirl that’s spot on…exactly how mine behaves. He used to take things out of my property, but nothing valuable and nothing that ever constitutes as an actual burglary 🙁

      I’ve had my locks changed so there are no keys anywhere except the ones I have. Waiting on having an external light fitted and my support services want to get a camera fitted, so that if he ever does turn up I can prove it.

      And my phone is always with me.

      Everyone just thinks I’m being paranoid though 🙁

    • #36513
      Mimosa
      Participant

      Sending you hugs!

      You’re doing so well. It is so inspiring to hear from you. Just keep going LBP one day at a time, you’re nearly there.

      Thanks for posting about your self harm. Until recently I would sometimes hold the tip of a knife against my skin, just to feel something, to feel in control of what I’m doing rather than him. I was so numb I couldn’t feel anything, no emotions, no real pain, just had to struggle on as a nothing. It connected me with my body, I didn’t want to hurt and damage myself, it just gave me something, it’s sharpness kind of woke me up a bit. It was normally after an explosion from him.  (Detail removed by moderator).

      Also I was drinking a lot for a while, keeping myself hungry for maximum effect, swigging a glass of wine or spirits just before he was due back from work, I didn’t need to do it before he came home and it served to filter out a layer of his horribleness. That was no good for my body and mind and now I take a few drops of Bach Rescue Remedy instead to quell the anxiety I feel when he’s due home which has the same effect and is very calming and much better for me!

      Now I’m at a different stage I feel, I’m waking up for real and I say to myself I’m ok, it’s my body, it’s all mine and isn’t ‘owned’ by him. And I love it and look after it again with nice pamper products. I only recently woke up to that from doing yoga, I looked at my legs doing some bendy posture I didn’t know it could do and I thought wow! you’re amazing legs, thanks for all you do for me! (Detail removed by moderator).  He hates me having anything for myself. (Detail removed by moderator). 

      Little steps, every day brings me more back into being myself. And one day I’ll be brave enough to scoop up my darling children and leave him!

      Good luck LBP!

      Mimosa
      x

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