Just need a rant

[enoughisenough2024]

I just need to get this off my chest as no one else knows how bad things are here as I’ve spoken to no one but women’s aid.

It’s a really silly example of so many things. Most of which are far worse behaviours but this one silly thing has really really got to me. He has complained my flat (he says my, we both live here) was freezing and he couldn’t think straight. (detail removed by moderator)

I offered to put heating on and was told not to. Then he said again my flat was freezing and couldn’t think straight, said my own child was complaining the night before it was cold and just because I have a thing (menopause) where I am hot all the time……… no further elaboration. I responded you are an adult, if you are cold then put the heating on. If you did not know how you could have used Google or asked me. I asked you if you wanted me to put the heating on and you replied with a no. You are a man in your 50’s and are responsible for yourself and your choices. Instead you made a choice and sat here in the cold, refused the offer of me putting the heating on and instead used it as a weapon to put me down with. That is not acceptable to me.

I’m weirdly proud at my response as it is a rare one. It came after a guts full of listening to him pretty much tell me i am a s**t person (detail removed by moderator)

He left for the day and called to say he was calling off the wedding. (detail removed by moderator) During all this I am meant to be working from home. Whilst he messages and rings every five minutes.

I feel like I am going out of my mind!!

[lover of no contact]

Hi enoughisenough2024,

I feel for you having to go through this. I remember it well. It’s not about the heating, if it wasn’t that it would be something else, it’s just an excuse to carry out behaviours that will upset you, frustrate you and confuse you and wreck your head and ruin your day. He gets a high out of your distress. He’s not like you, he has no empathy and gets to make himself good at others expense. He’s a WEAK man. I thought that was a good description of these types of guys. I was married to one and the games they play are soul-destroying. It’s could you came in here to let it all out. They will never change. For the situation to change we have to change. That’s a good start, to reach out and get as much support as you can.

[Mamabrave]

This sounds just like my husband too. He gets angry at very stupid things. Uncontrolled rage. (detail removed by moderator) How can I bring up our baby daughter around him. (detail removed by moderator) He rages and calls me stupid. I can’t seem to stop him with that or swearing all the time. Feeling sad he can’t control his temper. What’s wrong with him?

[Happybelle]

Blimey – what a piece of work. I think it is a tactic they all seem to use. Do things that are confusing / unsettling and then they know you have to work. They do it on purpose and its totally not on. Let him move out and next time he walks out change the lock or just lock him out if its your flat. Good on you for getting a decent come back out at the right time as well!

[enoughisenough2024]

Is this abuse though or just a bad argument? I really can’t tell the difference anymore.

[Stargazing1]

Unfortunately this is not the first time I have posted here . I never ever plucked up the courage to leave the last time things were not right and it’s gone full circle and its coming around again. I’m being blamed for the reasons why he shouts at me . Its my fault when he shows me his clenched fist . It’s my fault when my (removed by moderator) visits and stays all day at our house . I do have depression and anxiety and have been told I’m self centered. I’m awaiting to be assessed for Autism and Adhd something which he’s not interested in at all . I just don’t know what to think . Am I being silly?

[Stargazing1]

Please excuse my weakness. Thank you.

[Stargazing1]

I will never understand these horrible people ever . So sorry to hear your story you shouldn’t have to put up with nasty people. Sending lots of love.

[swanlake]

Sadly abusive people even use potential vulnerabilities like ADHD and autism against us, blaming us and using anything as weapons against us so that we don’t know whether you’re coming or going.
I’m sorry that we’re experiencing this behaviour towards us.

[Stargazing1]

Mr Know it all comes to mind . I’m nearly always being told that what I say is wrong. I get really fed up with being told im wrong . I dislike the bolshy attitude.

[Stargazing1]

I’m sure some kind of gaslighting goes on because after some conversations I think afterwards I’m being told I’ve got everything wrong but thinking back on similar conversations no I haven’t but I get told I am . Making us think we are losing the plot but we aren’t our words are being twisted to make us question ourselves. Sending lots of love.

[Stargazing1]

My other half reckons he is going to be even more outspoken because they are at an age where it doesn’t matter any more . Very poor excuse if you ask me . I am going to try and observe things very closely today . Thanks again.

[Stargazing1]

I believe coercion occurred (detail removed by Moderator). I went to collect a ticket for the car park. Someone asked me if I would like their ticket but it didn’t have enough time on it so I had to pass on the kind gesture. (detail removed by Moderator) When I got back to the car I was told I should not have been talking to those people as what I was probably telling them wasn’t that important was it . Usually I would apologise but I didn’t I did not say a word about it just gave him the ticket and just waited for him to sort out the ticket and the car . Basically he was trying to tell me what I can and can’t do . Typical of him .

[Stargazing1]

Later (detail removed by Moderator) he said to me I have not hit you have I. OK that may be true but what about emotional abuse, psychological abuse and coercive control. It’s typical of someone who is so blinkered to not realise that mental abuse still counts .

[Stargazing1]

I’m just going to rant again. I just wanted to say these horrible people we discuss daily make me sick . Sometimes as well I think they are pathetic too .

[Stargazing1]

I am hoping I posted correctly in my last post . Its the abusers that make me sick and I think they are pathetic too .

[Stargazing1]

Been waiting for this day to come . Oh yes the shouting has started again. Threatening words . Coercion blah blah blah . He wanted a reaction. No way . I told him if you think you have upset me think again. Too long in the tooth now . Not sure what’s next but I think I’m brave enough to do whatever it takes .

[Stargazing1]

Apparently it’s all my fault.

[Stargazing1]

I’m trying so hard to hold back the tears .

[Stargazing1]

I feel like a bad person.

[Stargazing1]

Just another rant . This person is trying to be nice and is saying that they was not wrong to do what they did and said . Apparently I needed to listen to them . I’ve told this person that them telling me what I can and cannot say is coercion but they said nothing at all to that statement. I’m really fed up and upset but I’m not showing them they have upset me .

[Stargazing1]

I’ve Contacted my local DA place and I’m just waiting for them to get back to me . I’ve been on the chat forum and been taking with someone and they have told me I’m being gaslighted and coercion is occurring too . So it is abuse after all .

[Lisa]

Hi Stargazing1,

Great to hear you have reached out, it takes such courage to talk about abuse and seek support. Hopefully you will hear back from your local domestic abuse service soon.

Keep posting when you can to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Stargazing1]

Thanks Lisa , I’m just waiting now . Fingers crossed.

[Stargazing1]

Not been feeling very well for a few days . Really detest it when I’m under the weather sometimes made to feel like a criminal.

[Stargazing1]

Struggling to cope today .

[Stargazing1]

Lisa, i haven’t plucked up the courage to make the phone call yet . My head is all over the place. I’m sorry 🙏.

[Stargazing1]

I’m sorry 🙏 for being a coward @Lisa .

[Lisa]

Hi Stargazing1,

You do not need to say sorry and you are not a coward. Reaching out can feel overwhelming so it is important you take things at your pace and make contact when you feel ready. Keep posting when you can as it can really help in building steps towards further support.

Take care,

Lisa

[Stargazing1]

Thank you @Lisa . I appreciate your kindness.

[Author]

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