11th February 2016 at 11:11 am #9525StarmoonParticipant
I hate him but I still love him. What a mess. I go from being utterly convinced he’s abusing me and that I’m not in the wrong, to feeling that perhaps we just hugely misunderstand each other.
We started talking again and agreed to go to relate. Prior to that, he’d said that he stood by his choice to leave me and still held out that I was responsible for making him so angry.
We went to one session of relate and it was very positive.
I recognize that I can be utterly relentless, sometimes over the most stupid things.. And sometimes over things I know aren’t true but I need to vent my frustrations with him so I’ll vent about anything- I’d say he didn’t love me when it wasn’t the case, or I’d say he was avoiding me when in reality I was probably frustrated that I’d had to ask his help around the house. Not that it was ever a problem asking those things of him- he was always good around the house. I was just annoyed at myself for asking because I felt I should be able to do it all. I don’t know. It’s all very confusing.
He understandably got very frustrated with me and didn’t understand me. I don’t understand myself.
So he lost his rag and left.
Prior to him leaving I’d actually been really happy- I loved having him at home, it was brilliant. We have a tiny baby, we were planning a wedding.
But then I’d gotten a bee in my bonnet about double standards and I couldn’t let it drop. I’d felt like it was ok for him to do some things but not me. We ended up arguing relentlessly one night with no stop button to the point we both forgot where it started and he ended up leaving and moving out a few days later.
I asked him to go to counseling because I do recognize that he’s not totally at fault here.
The counselor said we needed to learn to press stop, to understand why we are both so quick to act. He said that him constantly leaving is pointless as he always comes back but he needs to address his anger and quick reactions. He came out of the session saying he realizes that he was wrong to walk away… Gah!!
But I can’t let it drop. We are due another session in 2 weeks (the counselor was on holiday). And he’s just walked out again… His living back with family anyway but we’d been trying to spend time together. I love him but hate him for leaving me. Every time he talks about anything that he’s done it’s like a stab in my heart because I used know everything first. Now it’s all second hand information. I don’t know if that makes sense.
Things seem really clear now. I understand how he gets so frustrated with me- anyone would but I just wish he didn’t leave. It leaves me so insecure and it becomes I vicious circle. I’m bitter and nasty and short with him when he’s trying to be nice. Which makes it impossible for us to move forward. And it’s like the chicken and the egg. I don’t even know when it started. Things have been physical.. As some of you know.. I’ve never laid a finger on him but he has with me. I’m not saying it’s rite but I get how I can drive him batty sometimes. That’s an issue I really need to address. I mean I seem to always push everyone to their limits. And then once he’s reached his- I won’t let him leave, I’ve actually sat in front of the door on many occasions and even threw his keys away once.
I can reflect on all of this and wonder why on earth I caused a fuss over something so small and what in reality it would take for me to see sense.
So now because I can’t let the past drop, he’s walked again and is saying he won’t bother with counseling again. As ever I don’t know if I’m rite to post here but I really needed to vent it somewhere
11th February 2016 at 2:18 pm #9536HerindoorsParticipant
Hi Starmoon. As I was reading your post the first thing that came to my mind was that you were minimising what he does, which is something many of us do. We minimise their treatment of us and we take the blame for ‘causing’ it. I saw a relevant quote (for me) from the Lunday book the other day ‘abuse is not caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can’t manage your partners abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can’…. This is how I felt for many many years and my ex still believes that his abuse of me was caused by my behaviour. The second thing that struck me was when you said he gets physical…that is abuse, plain and simple. Maybe you are a strong character but do other people that you say you ‘drive to their limits’ treat you this way or get physical with you? I very much doubt it unless they are also abusive.
I haven’t been around this forumn much recently so haven’t read your other posts – but if you haven’t already then I would go and see (on your own) a DV counsellor to help you unravel what is really going on here. Getting headspace away from the situation is so important. I went to counselling with my ex but it was impossible to be completely honest with him in the room…
Good luck and sending hugs xx
12th February 2016 at 7:46 am #9563StarmoonParticipant
Thank you so much for your reply… It’s food for thought
I was so so happy with him and I’ve bent myself over in knots trying to work out where it all went wrong. I recognize my faults and I see the things I do that are detrimental. I understand myself now more than I ever did… I find it really difficult to change that. Yet I don’t really think that the way I am means I deserve to feel like this. I am strong willed. I wouldn’t say I was strong els where but I can understand other people’s frustrations with me. Looking at myself from the outside… Even I would want to shake me when I’m going tunnel vision.. When I get a bee in my bonnet, I don’t stop and even if i realize Im wrong mid way threw my rant- i don’t stop until I’ve worn myself out or the other person has blown their top. I’m a nightmare like that.. I really don’t mean to do it and I don’t even realize I am until it’s too late. But I can reflect over all that now and see that I do this. Thats something I didn’t understand in the past.. It was just a blur of an argument and I’d wonder where things went wrong… Regardless of what happens between me and him. This IS something I REALLY want to change about myself. It’s something I need to change. But I guess that the mistake with me and him is that we are both relentless and there is NO stop button.
He can’t understand why I’m rambling on and it drives him mental so he gets angry and blows up at me.
I absolutely recognize that I’m the problem when I’m doing this and it’s me who needs to change. His reaction to me when I’m being an idiot is irrelevant. Perhaps if he wasn’t as fiery too then things would not become so extreme but that’s not to say he’s responsible for me. He can’t be the one to press stop because it’s not in his nature not to argue back, and neither can I so we go head on until he’s fuming at me, he’s chocked me a few times during these arguments and hits me in the rem or back… I suppose to shock some sense into me but eventually he basically leaves and says it’s over.
That’s in our nature and what’s happened in our relationship wouldn’t change that about us but the things that have happened have definitely bought those negative things to the surface and made both our fuses short.
We are in A chicken and the egg situation now. He’s treated me badly and behaved selfishly over time (that’s my opinion- that’s how it’s felt but I know he’d deny it).
I almost wish I’d been stronger earlier on and walked away from him then but I didn’t. When he made choices that I believed were selfish, I chose not to speak up because I was scared I’d lose him. Instead I built up resentment and mistrust in him. And this came spilling out in various ways and our relationship became a depressing nightmare- we were both utterly miserable. At some point along the line he laid claim to realizing he’d been selfish.. We broke up a number of times before this but he eventually came back saying he was sorry and that he would put me first… He did put me first and he tried really hard… But I had zero tolerance for him or anything he did, I’d reached the end of my line with him, I loved him but I didn’t believe him or trust him. I pushed him to his total limits, we both bought out the worst in each other, I didn’t trust Him and I took everything he said the wrong way. He couldn’t understand why I acted that way. I should’ve had the strength to either not forgive him and to move on or to drop the past. But I didn’t do either. Things got so bad further down the line that solicitors and police were involved, we slated each other on Facebook and via emails and it was utter hell.
I had a brake down and I reflected on my whole life. If I hadn’t of been pregnant at that time I really think I’d have killed myself.
I looked over all of what had happened and I recognized the above negative points about myself. I’d say the realization is step one and I’m on a waiting list for db therapy but because I had a small baby, they won’t start it until she’s a little older so I can fully commit to the course- it’s Intensive. When me and him got back together after the brake down, I genuinely did drop the past and the chip on my shoulder, I believed things were better than they’d ever been. So much so that he pushed for us to set a date for our wedding and pay the deposit on the venue. I’ve spent a fortune on my dress and bridesmaid dresses too but it’s now all permanently off!
There were various things when we got back together that chipped away at me and had a domino effect. It wasn’t enough for me to want to brake up but in arguments or discussions it felt like I wasn’t heard, like it was one rule for him and another for me and in allot of instances he’d make out like he was putting up with me treating him like s***… But I didn’t think I was. Then there would be things he did that, like staying out until 4am or going off for the day and leaving me with the children.. After one minor argument he stayed in a hotel over night.. Our baby was only a few weeks old at this point. He was forever telling me that things I did were wrong and I always felt I was defending myself over things I wouldn’t ask him to defend.. If that makes sense. So eventually I pointed something out that I felt he wouldn’t allow me to do (having an ex on Facebook). He Got angry and the relentless argument began, the less I felt heard the more I mentioned all the other stuff then He got more and more angry to the point I felt intimidated.
He moved out and is back to saying I need to change but I feel in a catch 22. Even if I’m totally to blame for all the problems, I feel it would have been better we addressed the problems before we lost everything we had that was good. I’m back to not trusting him, feeling bitter and struggling not to bite to everything which in turn causes him to say it’s over and he won’t carry on with the counseling.
I’m sorry for the essay. It’s just messing with my head so much
12th February 2016 at 10:21 am #9571Confused123Participant
Read your posts and what strikes me is how u think its your fault, I think maybe u two do get on but not enough to live together, he cant hit u hun , thats a ful stop there, when these guys keep walking out it builds insecurities and thats not good, i think he needs to move out permantely and u only have a realtionship based on child but it shouldnt be sexual if that makes sense. ME and my ex were never happy even though i think we got on, in end he just couldnt stand me even though he said he loved me, i think i dont even make sense about what im saying..lol.My point was he felt i provoked him to beat me up , but reality was it wasnt me it was him, with me in the end the beatings got really bad, he broke my confdence and self esteem, i literally lost my voice, dont let your partner do this to u, seek seperate counselling u will benefit so much from it , i tried million things in end all i experience was abuse at every level, get out and safe your child and yourself, u say to him u dont want him , he doesnt need to return
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