Just need to let it out

[Sunafterthestorm]

Hi
I don’t know what I expect from this, I just need to let it out.
I met my ex and he was lovely for the first few months but the abuse began fairly early, firstly when he was drunk he’d throw me around, shove me as hard as he could and call me ever name under the sun, he just wanted to fight, I didn’t really fight back but would defend myself. These were just outbursts for no reason or silly reasons, I later found out he was on steroids. Almost (detail removed by moderator) into our relationship he held and pushed a hot iron against my face, he insisted he didn’t know the iron was on, I question that now, again he was drunk and on cocaine. I’ve always been a good girl, no drugs, don’t fight, I didn’t even used to raise my voice before I met him.
Things would go in waves, he would be fine for quite a few months just the occasional outburst but he always spoke to me like c**p when he didn’t get his own way, I later put the waves down to when he was on steroids. (detail removed by moderator) years later, he had been alright for a while, he had stopped the steroids. I got pregnant and it hit the fan. His drug use turned to every weekend, even sometimes during the week, he got drunk into a state almost every night, he was back on steroids. He punched me in the stomach saying he hopes me and baby die, he pulled mum and dads down The stairs, kicked me, everything but punched me in the face so he could say ‘he’s never hit me’ that’s what he saw as wrong. It was always my fault, I made him do it, my actions have consequences. He would throw the dinner in the garden, throw everything out the freezer if I hadn’t done the shopping properly, everything I did was never good enough or he’d always want more. He wanted sex everyday. Before I was pregnant I just got on with that but it hurt me and I was starting to see with my eyes open at last that I really need to leave him this time. He had sex with me when I was crying because of the pain, he didn’t care, as long as he got his satisfaction, I’d get hurt if I said no.
Baby came, he was lovely, so caring and nice for (detail removed by moderator) minus an outburst on the drive home from the hospital as I didn’t get in the car quick enough, after a c-section. (detail removed by moderator) later he wanted his drugs, I hid them, told him he’s not doing that around our baby, he went mad, trashed the house looking for them, I called his mum and she came round luckily. I needed to protect my baby. He smashed a wine glass in the same room as us and our dogs when he realised he was defeated. That’s when I knew, he didn’t care that glass nearly hit our baby, our dogs, got all in her pram, I knew it was over for me. During the first few months he had shouted in our babies face to shut the f up, shook her pram to try to stop her crying, took her to the pub, got bladdered and came home at 10pm and various other concerning behaviour. I left, tried couples counselling, but he wasn’t honest so I knew it wasn’t going to work, he promised he would change etc so I gave it one last chance for babies sake. With a week he was back to his old self, the day I left he kept unpacking my bags saying it was my fault etc, he started to get violent so I locked me and baby in bathroom and he bashed that open with a knife saying he was going to kill himself, this was a threat he had been making a lot lately, I called my dad asking him to come and get us. We were still hiding in the bathroom, he came up quite calm and posted his suicide notes through the door. He went to his room when my dad came and we left, mum called his mum to go and check on him. Things were hell for a while, I didn’t tell anyone the extent of the abuse, he had me believe I couldn’t stop him seeing baby. I went back to the house When I knew he was at work, he was still getting drunk and doing drugs, he told me he was on depression and sleeping tablets. I was trying to lessen contact with baby but obviously for no good reason to my parents who didn’t know so I told them, they confirmed my thoughts that he should have her overnight and to be careful. He kept threatening court but never did it but I got prepared nonetheless they kept asking did I phone the police on incidents. So when he dumped my stuff on my parents drive, anything breakable broken I told the police, it went from there, I told them everything. They had to tell social services who said no unsupervised contact with baby so his mum had to be there with him which I was so relieved about. Police were getting evidence, they were going to arrest him for domestic abuse, rape and criminal damage, he didn’t know about this but he knew mum told the police about criminal damage.
The final day… he had baby, not sure if his mum was supervising from what I’ve heard, but she bought baby back that evening. Later that night the police came knocking on my door and he had tried to kill himself, he died a few days later in hospital, it still haunts me that he had baby a few hours before he did this, ‘what if’ goes through my head.
It’s so sad, it was preventable, if he had stopped the diazepam, cocaine, steroids and the alcohol, sorted himself out, sorted his anger but he got himself in such a mess and he wasn’t the type to accept help, I tried.
I know saying sort himself out isn’t easy but I couldn’t have my baby around that behaviour.

It’s over now but I feel like I’m broken in so many ways. its been (detail removed by moderator) months since that final day, I’m happy now, me and my baby, but I don’t think I will ever let anyone else near us again. I don’t want anyone to touch my body ever again, the thought of it disgusts me.

If you read all that, thank you.

[Sunafterthestorm]

Supposed to say pulled ME down the stairs not mum and dads, that’s a shortcut on my phone.

[Janedoeissad]

Hi Sunafterthestorm

I have no children with my ex. I left over 2 years ago now.

(detail removed by moderator) months after I was still broken. And in a sense I’m still broken now. I’ve had counselling, CBT, and I do exercise/martial arts to reduce my anxiety but when it comes to men. I’m still at day 1 and I find it incredibly hard to trust or even engage in conversation with a man.

You need to be kind to yourself and take the time you need to heal. From what I just read you’ve been through hell. And in so many different ways.

Look after yourself and big hugs xx

[Sunafterthestorm]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Sorry to hear that you’ve been through a horrible relationship too.
Yes keeping busy definitely helps, my little girls takes care of that for me.
Hopefully we will all recover emotionally from our past in good time.
Take care.

[Tweetz]

You will manage to burry all those negative thoughts and go on with your life it only takes time… although I will never fully go away.. i was lucky to not have a baby with my ex although my abuse Was daily i ran to get a pill lying That I will use the loo in the (detail removed by moderator) … he was outside the toilet but luckily i went straight in before he got there now you have your baby and he needs you more than anything I wish I will have one as well one day although I’m struggling for the past year.. but I have a dog i care for atm it gives me sometimes to do and I feel needed ❤️ Hopefully you will overcome not just burry it 🙏🥺

 

[Quietgirraffe]

Sunafterthestorm, what hell you’ve been through. Thank God you and your baby got through safe and healthy. Healing takes a lot of time and we might never really be the same as before the trauma but it is possible to use the trauma in positive ways to inform your decisions for the future. Groups help a lot with processing these things I’ve found, so does one-on-one therapy. And remember even though you feel broken, you had the strength to get through this and will come out the other side even stronger and wiser.

[Foreverthankful]

So glad that you and your baby got through this safely and are both healthy. Healing is a long process (one that shouldn’t be rushed), from my experience I don’t feel like I have 100% healed but I can now see that my abusers actions were from no fault of my own and we can’t control what others do. I’m a strong believer of what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and you have shown great strength for not only yourself but your baby and I can only imagine that sharing your story was a huge step for you too. Keep strong ❤️

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