Just need to vent

[Robin]

I’m not able to get time alone to contact the helpline but really needed to share how I’m feeling with friendly ears.

I thought we’d come to an agreement before (detail removed by Moderator), I would make more of an effort to be intimate with him but he needed not to shout and swear at us. I made it clear that if it continued we were in trouble. I told him that I needed to be treated with love, respect and kindness.

I kept up my side and him..? Well,(detail removed by Moderator) I was shouted at and called stupid/dunce because I moved the (detail removed by Moderator).

On (detail removed by Moderator) I was shouted at for letting g our son make (detail removed by Moderator). Then our son is shouted out for doing (detail removed by Moderator), he shouldn’t be on there, dontylisten to your mum when she tells you to do something stupid…Later I ask my son how he felt about that and he said he was crying inside and that he tries to think of something else to block out the shouting. He said why don’t we find another house or daddy could move out and find another lady? He doesn’t understand why daddy is mean and that he’d noticed he gets shouty and then is fine after a bit.

Part of me wants to tell my husband the effect he is having on our son but i worry that if I did he would speak to him about it and that he would be confrontational/accusing.

And then I feel weak beacuse I keep thinking back to a couple of days ago when husband asked me if I was looking to move out and leave him in the poo again? He didn’t say s##t so it left me thinking is he manipulating me or is he trying? I know that it’s all said to keep us hoping – and it works.

This fleeting ‘normal’ behaviour makes it worse. And to gap it off I’ve realised that I don’t have any money for a r noental deposit, I can manage monthly payments but I can’t get the lump sum without him knowing and that could mean weeks of living with him when he knows I’m going. I don’t want to get him removed from the house as I think it would make it harder for me.

[lover of no contact]

Hi robin,

Just wanted to show you some support. The abuser’s don’t hear our words, in fact telling them not to do something that it hurts us, they will do this all the more. They need to hurt us (makes them feel powerful). They need to hurt their children (makes them feel powerful). Them feeling powerful is their main priority. They don’t care if we and the children are hurt (in fact it gives them a buzz). so you telling him what hurts/upsets you will cause him to do it even more. He knows the shouting, name-calling, upsetting your son hurts you. He’s smiling to himself. He likes it this way. He has a sick personality.

As to you feeling hope and noticing the ‘normal periods’, this is because the abuse cycle is kept in motion by fear, hope and love. So our abusers use fear/threats to keep us in the relationship (their nasty behaviour) and their ‘nice’ behaviour is to rekindle our hope and love.

Its great you can manage the monthly repayments of a rental property. Thats a huge positive. Now to work on ways of finding a lump sum to put down as a deposit. You’re nearly there.

[Confused123]

HI Hun

Speak to your council, housing benefit department and see if they can help you with the deposit for the house, i too had to live with my abuser while i saved for the deposit, but i found out later u can get help with the deposit, It is hard and sadly they dont change as you have seen, i would take this opportunity to call the help line to get guidance which agencies can help you and make a escape plan, I had to bite my tongue for few months as he daily said he would throw me and kids out in night , def dont tell him your plans he will make your life even more hell, put a plan in place behind his back, carry on acting normally saying u cant take this , then nearer to time we will guide u . U just need positive support around u, and u r right it will effect the children, he doesnt need to be told this till after u have left, u r right he will only pick on kids and u more . u can do this hun

[Author]

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