Just need to vent.

[Anabela]

It’s gonna be a negative post, because that’s how I feel right now. I just need to vent. I don’t know whether it is to do with the abusive relationship I was in or it is entirely different matter or it is a bit of everything. This year I started studying masters and also working full time. Funny enough, the first semester while I was still in relationship with him, I was more motivated to study. Maybe because it was my excuse why I can’t meet often with him (because he followed me when I came back to my country). Maybe because I was hiding in those studies from all the drama in my personal life and it gave me some sort of structure. Exam passed. Tick. Another module – another exam passed – tick. The court was right before the second semester and now I feel like I lost it. Suprsingly I don’t miss him that much. Sometimes, but not often. But I lost interest in my studies completely. I feel I badly need to stop and take care of myself and do something with myself, but I am in this cycle: work – university – home study and then next day the same. I am constantly tired. Extremely tired. The more time passes, the more I see how badly I need therapy, but I have no time for it. And also if I start digging into my relationship I might get unstable emotionally and then finishing this stupid masters will be even more challenging. On top of that I got such a low self esteem. I never had a good one even before I met him, but now I feel so much worse. Like I do a project with a course mate and I feel like we are so unequal and how much she must be hating having to do a project with me (although she is nice so probably all that is in my head). I am dreading questions why I came back to my country from uk and even this question gives me uneasy feeling as I just don’t have an answer prepared apart from I don’t know. Or how much I hate questions what i did in uk. Such an innocent question and I give a very common and innocent answer revealing nothing but it makes me feel troubled. And I feel such a ruined person like I am not equal to talk to other people. Yes, that I have never felt before even if I was shy or whatever. It’s so annoying. And it is a torture to force myself to study but then i am thinking if I quit, he won. I feel like I have to prove myself to him that I can do that. Or if he gets to know that I was unable to finish my masters (i am not sure if he could ever get to know that) he would laugh. I feel I study for my parents and for him but not for me. I don’t even know anymore who is me, because I am constantly tired and anxious and angry and I still feel like I have no control of my life and just going with a flow.

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks for sharing this A. keep posting. Sounds like you are doing brilliantly, although you might not feel like that inside.

Sometimes the structure of things helps. I too sometimes feel that I have no control over my life, on occasion, I have a child and upholding studying at the same time – thinking of you and keep posting
ftc
x

[Anabela]

Thank you, Freedomtochoose

[KIP.]

Hey there, sorry to hear you are feeling low. It all sounds familiar to me and I believe stems from trauma. Can you cut back on work and ask your parents to help you out until you finish your studies. Self care is vital and it’s really important that you make time for counselling. It doesn’t have to be often but it really helped me to just talk and get validation that my bodies response to trauma was perfectly natural. Be kind and patient with yourself. You’ve been through a nightmare of a journey and it will take time to rebuild your confidence and self esteem. Taking on too much is setting yourself up to fail and the downward cycle will continue. Thinking of you. Remember just how strong you really are x

[Anabela]

Hi KIP. Thank you for your message. It’s good to be understood. I don’t really want to stop working. My parents would not be against it… But I badly need this financial independence. I think it would make me feel much worse if I had no money of my own. I know that feeling because for a couple of months after I moved back from uk and before i got a job here, I had to rely on my parents for every expenditure and I hated that feeling….
i dont really know if there is a solution. I have to finish this stupid degree to keep my parents happy so that they at least think they did the best they could for my future. I want to keep a job to be able to allow things for myself. hopefully in summer i could take a deep breath, get some rest from studies and do something about my emotional well being and get that therapy. It just really frustrating that for the last couple of years I always felt running and dreaming of a break and time for myself. Now away from him I feel exactly the same…

[freedomtochoose]

Can you try to build little breaks for yourself into your daily life?
Mindful walking in the lunch break?
a spot of gardening to relax?
Even mindful cooking, cleaning or ten minutes meditation whilst listening to the birds singing in the morning.
Here are some self-compassion meditations you can access on your phone some are only five minutes long,
they are research based and might help you. see this link
(link removed by Moderator)
all best
ftc

[Anabela]

Thank you, Freedomtochoose. I will trying doing that. I take some time off but like going for a walk or going for a cup of coffe but it is most of the time followed by feeling of guilt that I am supposed to be doing something else… Thank you for the link. I got to see it yesterday before i was removed and already listened to one short meditation. Maybe that will be useful 🙂

[fizzylem]

Hope you get though it and to the end of your studies, keep chipping away, when you get there you’ll look back and think how the hell did I get to the end, but feel elated you did. Sometimes we have to let go a little and accept our grades or assignment could have been better had we not had to deal with other stuff, but that’s just how it is and that’s ok. Equally, if you need to defer for a year that’s also ok.

You seem to think counselling is one more thing that will add to the pressure, when actually, I think it may help you to feel a bit lighter, supported and better equipped. As you’re at University you are in a good position, as you can access their counselling service. Why dont you make an appointment, go and discuss your concerns, ie, you dont want it to tear you apart, you need it to help with holding you up. Then after the assessment session make your decision as to whether its now or later you need it. FL. x

[fizzylem]

PS. There’s always a solution, counselling will help you to find it. Please dont take it for granted that you can operate on full steam to full capacity forever, from someone who did, as I am now unable to work or study academically at all – you are human and we all have our limits. You have a number of needs that all need meeting, it simply wont work if you neglect some of what you really need. Please dont put off your self care, health and well-being for another day.

Ive just read your later post, sounds like you’d like to sack off the studies and focus on work – go for it – defer then decide if you want to go back next year – your parents should support your decision and if not, they’ll get over it. Wishing you courage. FL. x

[Anabela]

Fizzylem, thank you so much for your message. My university does not offer councelling (it is a very small one) but my work does for a very small fare. Maybe I can find time for it after all… At least make a call, set an appointment even if it is after my last exam. Then at least I would definitely do it and not defer it even for longer…
I hope in summer I get that time to think about me and what I want and what to do with my studies / my career / my experience and my low self esteem……

[Author]

Posts