Just need to vent

[equinoxal]

Sorry it feels like I’ve been going on about myself left right and centre on this forum..but I just need a rant..

We just spent almost two hours discussing how wrong I was…he claims I was ignoring him when he told me to do something (something extremely minor) when I swear I didn’t even hear him. I said sorry straightaway though, anticipating a fight, tried to explain that I wasn’t purposefully ignoring him I was just completely distracted so much so I didn’t even realise he spoke. After about half an hour of him getting on at me to agree with him, I ended up conceding that he was right just to end it all, that I was ignoring him, that I was sorry and I promised I would listen to him more. I thought this would put things right, but nowhere close- he said it’s not enough to just agree with him, I have to understand it, then made me explain to him exactly why I was wrong so he knew I understood it. Then he got upset that it took me that long to agree with him. He saw it as his time being lost and he could never get it back again, which according to him is unforgivable. I tried to get him to watch a film with me in the hopes it would make him feel better, but he said he would ruin a potentially good film by watching it with someone who had just stolen an hour of his life from him. I asked him why my apology and promise to do better wasn’t good enough, was he just going to sit angry at me forever, he told me he would be angry at me until I was perfect because he is striving towards perfection in all aspects of his life. He also said that maybe it was unfair to expect me to listen, because girls/women are incapable of listening.

He also has this expectation that I have to change his mood somehow. I am unsure of whether this is a normal and non abusive idea. E.g. After I upset him, even after I apologised profusely, he sat in silence and continued to be mad until I ‘entertained’ him or … did something to make him happy again. The problem is nothing I do seems to work. I try to get us to do activities, I make an extra effort to be nice and positive, I even send him pictures of cute animals or tell him a joke.. nothing works. I plucked up the courage to tell him that I didn’t like how he always made me responsible for his moods, and he responded by telling me I’m responsible when I’m the one messing up. Is that true? I can’t tell if that’s abusive or not. I repeatedly ask him, what would make you feel happy? But he refuses to tell me because this is doing all my work for me apparently. This exact same scenario I just described happens ALL the time.

I am beginning to notice his irrational responses to things, which he always disguises with me doing wrong. Even if I really wasn’t listening to him..Why is the prospect of me not listening to him, even over something as minuscule as that, so intolerable to him? For some reason any form of what he deems to be insubordination he just cant handle it. I feel like he distracts me with my apparent shortcomings so much so I don’t question why he is really upset. He tells me that listening is such a basic function and I can’t even do that right so how can I even function in everyday life etc. Interactions with him leave me questioning my capabilities and mental health.

On the bright side, since joining the forum and reading resources on abusive men I find myself so much more aware of his behaviours and therefore less willing to grovel to him. Again, sorry for the long rant just so effing fed up with all this.

[Racoon]

Thinking of you! So sorry your put under so much exhausting pressure. The scenario you describe was so similar to arguments I was regularly in with my ex.

You don’t need to apologise for making your posts at all. keep posting as much as you want. It really helps to get things off your shoulders and it usually allows you to see abusive behaviour more clearly.

I hope you will be able to get some more specific advice and guidance from the helpline soon.

It may be beneficial to go to your GP to get a referral to Women’s Aid this might speed up the process of getting an individual support worker that is able to help you.

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