21st May 2016 at 11:38 pm #17723
Im normally ok, im really strong now. ive been out the relationship for a long while. I understand him, i know him. He is using our child and contact situation to continue to try to control and abuse me. I feel for our child so much and im trying my best to help our child. I will do anything i can to help our child, and i feel like i have no other option, because of the situation with the courts and his family, but to try mediation with my ex. He has agreed as i knew he would as he just wants to be in the same room as me and talk to me. He isnt interested in talking to me about our child, if he was he would have responded to my emails. he just wants to talk to me, to try and be my best friend and i know all the tactics he will use. But now tonight, thinking about it, its sinking in that im putting myself in that position, when ive not been that close to him in same room for years, just a room with a mediator and him in, is now freaking me out a bit. Started to cry but stopped myself. I got to be strong. Need to sleep, im so tired but too much going through my head. i wasnt going to post but then thought it might help. I think i can do the mediation, i know im strong enough and i have tools from counselling i can use, its just the thought of it. And even though im strong there is a small part of me that is worried that he will get to me and the nightmares and flashbacks that ive put to bed will start again.
21st May 2016 at 11:47 pm #17725Falling SkysParticipant
I went to mediation to try and sort out my divorce settlement. They did a shuttle appointment so you don’t have to be in s the same room. Maybe they do that for when you are sorting out the childs contact.I also know they have drop off points so you can leave the child there they get and return them them there so you can continue no contact.
Sadly abusers only care about themselves and children are just a weapon to hurt you with.
Good luck and stay strong.
22nd May 2016 at 5:42 am #17732SerenityParticipant
I would use the shuttle option. Being near him will trigger you, and I think that the best way to deal with these people is not to allow ourselves to get close to them again, but to make things as formal as possible. You can’t reason with an abuser.
I feel your pain. I am in a similar position.
Good luck X
22nd May 2016 at 8:39 am #17737
Thanks ladies. Shuttle mediation isn’t an option and it wouldn’t work with what we need to discuss. The mediator thinks I will be ok, that I’m in good position to do it and said I may find it empowering. It’s just the thought of it at the moment. Any tips welcome.
22nd May 2016 at 8:59 am #17738Falling SkysParticipant
Know what you want for your child, have evidence or good reasoning why it should be like that, and stick to your guns. Its very hard not to go back to victim mode when you are in their company because you will know his body language.
22nd May 2016 at 11:30 am #17743Confused123Participant
Sending hug out to u, firstly i can sense your strength in u, u r strong and that feeling of not wanting to be pulled in again is natural, its good u can sense this so u r on guard not to fall for his tricks. Firstly make a list of things u want to discuss and have points written down why u r stating them so they are validated and he cants say why are u saying that , cause his aim will be to throw u off guard and being in the room with them can make our minds freeze, pre in advance think how he will react and what he may propose as an alternative and how u would feel about that and have a answer ready . If u not sure how he may respond, any sugesstion he makes dont feel pressured to agreeing if u need time to think it over say u have noted his suggestion , will reflect over them and come back to an agreement. You do not want to agree to something hastly only for him to have hold over you later. If he starts talking about u two getting bCK TOGETHER clearly state u r hear to only discuss child , when i had to b e in room with my ex and could feel the pressure building of him pulling me in i just said no, no, no, and said i now need to leave
22nd May 2016 at 4:18 pm #17772LisaMain Moderator
I just want to add that mediation is often not appropriate nor effective when there is domestic abuse or an imbalance of power within the relationship. However it sounds like you have spoken to the mediator about it (I would ensure they are aware of the abuse) and ideally the mediator will recognise if he is being manipulative or controlling during the mediation sessions.
I think it would be really helpful for you to read the Right’s of Women’s guide to Mediation here;
22nd May 2016 at 9:57 pm #17797
Ladies, thank you, your posts are really helpful. Yes the mediator understands domestic abuse. The mediatior has been doing mediation for a long time, has seen all sorts and managed all sorts of situations. The mediator advised me that we can arrive at different times/wait in different rooms so i only have to be with him when in the mediation room. I understand i can ask for a break at any time and im confident the mediator will step in and stop the session if he is being abusive in any way. However, as im sure you ladies will understand and as fallen skys said its his body language. The tone of voice, how he says your name, how he leans toward you, how he looks at you etc will be abusive but mediator may not see that as they wont know what he used to control me as each abuser may be different in terms of tone, body language etc. I just need to stay strong and focused so can maintain a clear head. The mediator said they will ask questions and i will answer to them so can just look at them not him which will help considerably. I think, i hope, i will be able to tell now when he is getting in my head so to speak and ask for a break. ive learnt so much over time that i think i will be able to suss it more quickly now and handle it i think. There are things now which i know he used to instil fear in me, but i didnt necessarily pick them out before when with him or when in court, but i know now.
23rd May 2016 at 11:20 am #17835SuntreeParticipant
I offered to do shuttle mediation only. They didn’t particularly like it until I said women’s aid told me I should not do face to face mediation with him but I was happy to do shuttle medication.
It was decided by the court that mediation wasn’t the way to go for us.
The first time in court it was all about him and yes everyone fell for it.
The second time they didn’t and that threw him.
But he still lied in court.
Now because he doesn’t have that audience he has disappeared. For now anyway.
23rd May 2016 at 7:35 pm #17847
Yes, we have always been exempt from mediation and court said isnt an option when ex asked for it as domestic abuse. But im running out of options. Im going to do this for our child, just need to get myself really prepared and set some ground rules etc.
23rd May 2016 at 10:22 pm #17856AceGracie5Participant
Good luck, blueskies. You sound very brave and I admire you for wanting to try despite knowing all the pitfalls. However, as others have said already, mediation doesn’t work well with abusive people because they don’t have the control.
My ex thought it was a great idea while he did the talking and would agree to things in the sessions but then not comply outside of them and when called to account dropped out of the process pretty quickly.
Don’t let him dent you or sap the strength that you have built up over what sounds like quite a long period of time. The second he starts to play ‘silly beggars’, stop the session or withdraw. It is very difficult to reason with unreasonable people (we all already know this!)
Take care x
24th May 2016 at 10:42 am #17877SuntreeParticipant
What do you need to do for your children that needs you to talk to him through mediation?
Honestly been there. I fell for the if you do this then I will do this, leave you alone, won’t hurt the children. You name it.
It was a whole load of crock. He either did it to bide time, look good in others eyes or for other selfish reasons.
What I found is it didn’t matter what I did the outcome in the end was always the same. The only difference was he got to emotionally abuse the kids using the same tactics on them as he did on me for longer.
I was warned by someone further down the line than I was at the start about the tricks her abuser had done to her and the kids.
Like not turn up, change the contact arrangements at the last minute agree to something tell me I was making it all up. Complain to others how horrible I was stopping him see the kids.
Arrange with the kids he was going to do something outside of the court arrangement with them and I would find out accidentally. ie when he would say okay I’ll see you on x day. when he should have seen him on y.
Making all the alternative arrangements for childcare, time off work my problem.
The moment I let go of him being a good and decent human being and a good father I could and the kids could move on. Up until that point I was still holding on to the he wouldn’t hurt the children, he loves them etc. That was my lies in my head because I wanted that to be so true for so long.
I can’t talk to him as someone I would talk to on a normal rational level. I don’t even try.
When we went back to court and he tried to paint me out as a hard nose cow and at first I was questioned why I did things with him so business like. The barrister came back after a very short while and said I know understand why you do things they way you do and I don’t blame you.
He chose to abuse us all and that will always be his choice and not ours.
24th May 2016 at 8:29 pm #17892
Hi, thank you everyone for all your messages, i really appreciate your support. I know his tricks, his tactics, know what games he plays and i know what he will try and do but i will make sure i am as prepared as i can possibly be and ask for a break if he is getting to me. I know hearing his voice and sitting in close proximity will be hard to deal with, but i think i have the strength, knowledge and determination to do this for our child. it will be incredibly hard and i wish i didnt have to do this but my ex wont respond to emails to discuss. He has as i thought agreed to mediation, I believe this is just because he wants to talk to me. That He wants to be my friend, he wants to get back in my life, he wants me to do what he wants in terms of our child. He will not be getting anywhere near me outside of mediation and i will not be persuaded or bullied by him. I know If he had wanted to discuss our child he would have responded to my emails. i cant go back to the court for various reasons at the moment and it maybe that they would try and send us to mediation anyway given the new process. I have to try this, i know it will be very very hard but i have to try for our child. If he does agree to something i will get it legally binded.
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