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    • #10981
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I’m trying AGAIN to leave. It’s practically not easy as I have two young children and we oen the house together but I don’t earn very much and so can’t take over the mortgage. He won’t leave even whilst we sort things out and I can’t make him. Trying to find somewhere to rent which is taking time. Also as usual he is making it very difficult being threatening- saying he will take my son away from me and tell me when I can see him, that he is going to be difficult, not pay maintenance, that if I didn’t leave the house right now (in the middle of the night) then he would be really nasty to my eldest son in the morning, he has texted all our family and some of my friends really manipulative stuff about how he will do anything for me and wants to marry me so they are now calling me selfish and silly, my own parents are being completely dismissive as a result too. I think he did this because he knew that I’m very private and wanted to sort out separating before telling anyone. The worst thing is he told my eldest son that because he doesn’t ever listen to my partner mummy is leaving.i hadn’t even told him we were seperating- I’m still sleeping in our bed. I suppose the most difficult thing is after being so volitile we are now at the next bit of the cycle of abuse and he is being PERFECT- really loving to my son, talking about how we can work things out m, he can’t live without me, being really calm etc etc. And it’s difficult anyway because the abuse has been so subtle, not always- sometimes he loses it but never swearing or demanding- it’s always clothed in a compliment “you’re an amazing mum, I wouldn’t want to change your character because I love it BUT …..” “I give everything to this family and I’m happy to and I’d do anything for you BUT…” “I deserve better, I need to be loved” and so on. I have to write it all down otherwise I can’t pinpoint why exactly I feel abused. When I read other people’s accounts of abuse I feel stupid because my situation is not like the really scary explicitly horrible things other people are coping with. The one thing that has helped me to find the strength to leave is ‘the archers’ story line- not something I would usually listen to but it’s like a mirror of my situation. I never could’ve grasped what a difficult situation it is to be in when you have grown to love someone, to want to make them happy and then have this abuse creep in around you like an invisble toxic gas and slowly destroy who you are.

    • #10984
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I just want to add as well that he constantly tells me that I’m abusing him and that I am the definition of a passive aggressive abuser- withholding sex and affection and not wanting to talk to him and I begin to believe this. I have also thrown things when I’ve been unable to cope with him going on and on in my face despite me asking him to stop- but funnily enough when I reach this level of distress he becomes totally calm. Womens aid helpline was really helpful as they asked me am I trying to control him or change his behaviour with these things and i know no I am am not I just don’t want to be physically close to him because he is horrible to me and I can’t talk to him because he won’t listen and shouts over me and I clearly say this is why I don’t want to talk about this. But in the moment when he says those things I do question if I am the abusive one and if I just threw my arms around him and said yes I understand your point of view would everything be ok? He constantly tells me I am driving this and I have all the power to change the situation. Sorry I’ve written SO much no ones going to want to read it all!!

      • #10989
        Peaceful Pig
        Participant

        Just to add now I have seen your second post. My ex also taunted me until I became extremely distressed, knowing that being like my abusive parents was my greatest fear. When I got to a certain level of distress he would also become calm and tell me I was mad/depressed/aggressive etc. Only when I had fully accepted it was all my fault would he reward me with comfort and affection. I believe this was one of his most damaging behaviours in terms of my self-esteem. I’m telling you this in the hope it clarifies the dynamic for you. Also I lost years of effort trying to make him happy, but the goal posts always changed. He was never going to allow that. Besides he wasn’t unhappy, he wanted it that way. It’s devastating to have to believe this about someone you love and depend on x*x

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