1st February 2020 at 7:25 pm #96904
Hello everyone, this is the first time ive ever written on any forum
There are many many stories to tell from the last (removed by moderator) years. But as it stands my husband now HATES my family (they are lovely people – we used to go on holidays with them and (removed by moderator) so things were good at one point but now he won’t say a single good thing about them or see them or anything. They live close to us so i see them only in the week with the kids my kids love them so much. Every time he got cross he would always blame my parents. ‘It was because of the situation they caused, it was because of how they made him feel, it was BECAUSE of them he shouted and got cross’ They had induced this anger in him.
But here we are two years later and more and more his bad behaviour continues without anything my parents could have possibly done – leaving me to wonder if this really is the horrible person ive married.
Lately its all been about my (removed by moderator) year olds education. Apparently he’s on a lower reading level than my husband would like and things like this are said/shouted
‘He’s got a full time mum at home there really is no excuse that he’s behind. If he continues this way do you know he’ll be leaving secondary school with the mental age of a 12 year old. This is terrifying how behind he is. We are in a DIRE situation here. What is it you do??? You dont contribute to the bills and you dont educate our son so what is it you DO??????’
Two days later he’s sorry and it was me that took it all out of proportion
Then there are days when i simply feel im blamed for everything. ‘Our son’s behaviour is the worst ive ever seen!!!’ To which i said why does he say it THAT way and with that look at me to which he says because its my fault, i brought him up!!!’ which infuriates me, they are both our kids. He’s got no friends so he’s ALWAYS with us other than work.
And today when he has spent the whole day inhuff because (removed by moderator) before our kids which is very worrying’
Of course i dont. I mean, who would?
Im on edge. And then we will have lovely evenings watching movies and eating take outs and feeling happy.
It’s easy when he’s mean as i remember how much i hate it but then when he’s nice it’s so easy to just enjoy the calm
Over the years he’s done the following (to name just a small handful) but blames it ALL on my parents – he’s been MADE to react to my parents behaviour in this way apparently
Ive been called a disgusting fat pig
My son was told he would get a new mummy
Ive been locked out of the house
Told its unnatural for a mum to return to work
Then when i left I am now being told its so stressful for him to front ALL the bills while i do NOTHINGand i should be working
My family are vile humans
My parents are child abusers
Hes gonna call child services for the way ive acted (ive given up everything to looks after my wonderful boys and ive done it day in and day out)
That its my fault he doesn’t eat properly at the weekend as i never buy the right food
If i leave nothing here is mine – the house is his as he’s paid the mortgage etc and put down most money
He’ll destroy me with the best lawyers
Im a spoilt princess
He has a go at me about how i drive
How i cook (removed by moderator)
How i let the kids watch TV
I’m not a natural mother
He does 50% more than most dads and i do 50% less than most mums
I’m an egotistical f uck er
If he’d know my family were like this he’s never have married me
I’ve never worked a hard day in my life (i was very successful in london when we met)
He loves to say a lot ‘Come here boys, Daddy’s got you. Daddy’s gonna make it better/Daddy will protect you/Come here Daddy will look after you’ if anything ever happens when they are with me like they argue or slip over. This makes me mad as it makes me feel like i dont do those things and he’s always the hero saving the boys from mummy. Crazy i know
Plus endless endless other things. I keep a log on my phone of all the things he says simply to remember it all other wise i feel like im making it up
I know none of this is right but it feels so hard to leave. Mainly my kids are addicted to him. Because we dont see my family and his dont live close we NEVER go out. NEVER have. In all our years we’ve put the kids to bed every night. The kids are in a bubble with us and im so worried how they would cope
And when push comes to shove i think id rather have a calm evening than one arguing as its so horrible that i back down.
Maybe all these things are a normal part of married but ive no idea what to do!
2nd February 2020 at 12:40 pm #96937GoingthroughitParticipant
Think of the kids get out now tell your parents tell anyone who will listen I’m in kind of the situation u are in but I’m further away from him mentally everyday plus he supposedly left me now just hope it stay like that as he comes back with the calm you was talking about.
It WILL affect the kids.
My abuser don’t like me seeing family even though they live (detail removed by moderator) doors down and always put them down they are this and that but me being me I go there when I want I do things how I want.
Things I can’t do and wouldn’t dare ask anymore because he flips
See friends if I do which I haven’t for years he gives me silent treatment
Wear clothes that are not modest
If u need a chat private message me
2nd February 2020 at 8:20 pm #96967
Your list almost made me smile. Abusers must have very similar insults.
My family are w****s and paedophiles
I can’t drive (although I drove on all journeys)
I can’t cook
No one else would want me
I’m a liar and everyone has got the measure of me
None of this is true. He just wanted to bring me down.
You deserve more.
People who love you don’t talk to you like that.
People who want to control you talk like that.
6th February 2020 at 6:52 pm #97245WisewordsParticipant
Hi Landy. I’m new to this site so just finding my way around. I feel for you I really too. I had much of the same for such a long time. I found I put up with it for so long in the end I thought it was normal. Until the day it happened in public and I seen the look on people’s faces. I stayed until my children were older but now I have regrets for staying and wonder if they were affected by it.
If you want a private chat – just message and take care x
13th February 2020 at 9:19 pm #97652
Thank you, Wisewords x
7th February 2020 at 9:36 am #97264sibaParticipant
OMG you need to get out! He is being hugely emotionally abusive, financially abusive, isolating you and manipulative. He’s already isolated you from friends and family. The fact that he has no friends is incredibly worrying – my husband was the same and I used to think it was nice that we did everything together but it’s actually a huge red flag. It means that he relies on you for all of his emotional needs and it’s absolutely exhausting. He’s already controlling you but he wants more, and he’s trying to scare you from not leaving him by telling you about lawyers, the house, etc. The fact is you’ll probably get more than 50% of everything because you’re the mother and have children. He’d probably need to give you the house. So don’t let his threats scare you into staying – he is wrong and just trying to manipulate you into not leaving him. I’d urge you to consider if you really think it’s healthy for your children to see this kind of relationship and think this is normal and how they should be when they grow up. There is a risk of them turning into him and thinking that doing everything just with your wife is how it should be. They need to be taught how to have healthy relationships. Also, be aware that abusers get worse. The more they get away with it, the older they get, the worse they get, and it could eventually lead to physical abuse. Yes it’s going to be messy and painful to leave but for your own mental health and the sake of the children, you need to somehow find the strength to do it.
10th February 2020 at 3:05 pm #97478GlitterbugParticipant
So much of what I have read on this post is familiar to me. Especially about turning on your lovely family after you used to have fun and go on holidays together. That is exactly what has happened to me. He started turning on them after we had children. I still see my family but avoid as much contact as I would like to save the heartache and hassle I get off my husband about them but I miss them and it makes me sad.
My husband also has no proper friends. He is critical of most people. He never goes out without me – I wish he would. Then he makes me feel so guilty if I want to go out with friends or family so I usually don’t bother. My heart sinks when someone asks me out somewhere because I know either I’ll get loads of grief off him or I’ll have to say no to them and come up with a lame excuse I feel bad about.
He never got on with his own family and as much as he complains about them he is just like them. They live in a little bubble too and that’s what he’s trying to create for us and I hate it!
Like you, we have good times and it’s easy to try and forget the bad…but it always comes back. I too am trying to find the mental strength to leave and I’m getting closer all the time but I know it will be so difficult for everyone and I don’t know how we would do it and it scares me so my worries are still holding me back for now. However like someone else said I hate the thought of my kids growing up and turning into him.
13th February 2020 at 7:31 pm #97639
Thanks for all your replies. I still find myself asking if this is abuse? Maybe it’s just a strained marriage? I also know this can’t sustain itself like this. I threatened to leave last week but he wore me down and we ‘sorted it out’ and are back with him now being super SUPER nice. He’s saying he loves my family now. I live in this state where I don’t know what he says is real and what is fake. How can you call my family awful names one minute and the next say you think they are great. My children are so young and love their daddy so much which makes all the harder.
In last weeks argument he told me he’d would never leave HIS house or give me HIS money and I believe him. He’s so adamant that if I dare to ruin his life by trying to take my kids he’ll ruin mine. Says he’ll quit work and look after the kids because financially he can and I’ll be without them Working
13th February 2020 at 7:34 pm #97640
Also he says he only said those things about me when he’s been super stressed and he didn’t mean them and that he’s unfair for me to KEEP bringing up the things he done wrong rather than moving forward. Maybe he’s right? I need to forgive the past?
13th February 2020 at 9:21 pm #97653
My ex used to say I had to forget the past as he had said sorry. But he never stopped rolling out his old lies and insults.
If course they want us to forget. It helps them to control us.
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