Just not coping anymore

[soconfused2]

That’s it really…I’m just not coping anymore.

I’m divorcing but we’re still in the same house for now. I thought he was emotionally abusive – silent treatment, blaming me, never apologising, saying I’m a bad mum, that sort of thing. I filed for divorce after he called me abusive and said everything would be fine if I just stopped my abuse of him.

Now I think maybe it was me. He will only communicate by text. Most often leaves the room if I come in (even if the kids are there). Basically he seems to be behaving like a victim of abuse. So maybe it was me after all. He’s right that I can lose my temper. Maybe he’s right that I would have felt more loved and supported if I had showed him more respect…I just can’t get my bearings at all.

I’ve apologised and begged for another chance but he won’t discuss it. I’m wondering if I’m “hoovering”. Am I the manipulative one. His family seem to think so.

I’ve read the whole internet it feels like, got therapy, got support from Women’s Aid, read lots of books recommended here on emotional abuse, but I just can’t get my head straight. It’s been nearly a year.

I wanted to feel better by ending the relationship. I felt so broken by the things that he said. But now I just feel worse. I feel the sick feeling in my stomach that I got before when he gave me the silent treatment, but now I feel it all the time. I’ve made my children sad because they would prefer us together.

Basically, I feel so so sad. And I don’t think I’ll ever not feel sad again.

Not sure why I’m posting really. Just wanted to let it out. Any support would be really welcome. Thanks.

[Bananaboat]

No no no you are not the bad guy!!!

He’s doing what mine did which includes:
* stonewalling you (the ignoring you & leaving the room – which by the way the kids will be noticing),
* making you feel intimidated (god I knew that knot so well, your home should be your safe place not this), I had name calling, threats, huffing & puffing as if about to punch, sneering, full withdrawal of finances, disinterest in the kids even blanking & disowning his stepchild whilst under same roof, the lot.
* gaslighting you and putting the blame onto you which in turn is making out he’s the victim.
* He’s got you begging for another chance which will probably involve being more compliant to his wishes and dying inside. He’ll agree if he thinks he’ll win but otherwise I read something earlier that said the reason these men go cold on us is because they realise their tactics aren’t working and we’re no longer manipulable (is that a word?), which we should take as a compliment – that hit home.

I’ve been in your shoes for many months until recently. You’re living in limbo, facing constant abuse which you can’t call out as you’re separating, you can’t move on as he won’t leave (abuse in itself), and you’re worrying about your kids. All this whilst he’s effectively having a toddler tantrum to get his own way.

The fact you’re asking if you’re the abuser and causing pain tells us that you’re not. Is he asking those questions when he walks out or ignores you infront of the kids? No because he doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

Having recently got out I was shocked at how different I felt, how the kids are and even the dog is more relaxed. Do not underestimate the damage you’re experiencing in this toxic environment. He’s revelling in it, you’re stagnant in it. Push forward and get out, it’s the only way you’ll get that peace you crave xx

[Hereforhelp]

Soconfused2, oh my goodness no you are not the abuser, you really are not… you’re stuck in that place just before you take the next step and it is so emotionally draining but keep pushing forward day by day,.hour by hour as this is real,.he sounds so similar to my ex (they all have that similar personality which made me realise that my ex was nothing special, just another abusive narc).
Bananaboat is right in what she says, if you were nasty, abusive then you wouldn’t careless and be on here.

Massive virtual hugs ❤ keep posting

[soconfused2]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the support.

(Detail removed by moderator) I feel awful for the children and wish I could have managed everything differently so it hadn’t end up like this.

I just wanted to not be called a bully/selfish/an abuser anymore and not have to deal with weeks of the silent treatment. I didn’t want any of this.

I guess lots of people would think I should be grateful he wants so little to do with me, but it really hurts, especially thinking about the children. Plus its going to be really humiliating in front of everyone (detail removed by moderator)…

[Bananaboat]

Of course it hurts, don’t apologise for it and you have nothing to be ashamed of! That’s his voice inside your head telling you you’re not worthy. You need to accept there is nothing you can or could’ve done that would’ve made this man happy – remember those books which gave you options which said turn to x page if you want your character to go this route or turn to y page if you think this route – well they always ended up at the same outcome regardless of which route you took and sadly it’s the same here, he’ll never be happy. So stop thinking you could’ve changed the outcome.

When leaving abuse it’s really confusing because we should be happy we’re no longer being abused but don’t forget you’re also going through a break up and grieving what could’ve been, plus we’ve been conditioned and become chemically addicted to the highs/lows, that’s tough. So be kind to yourself. Abusers are very entitled and have unrealistic views of themselves, calling you names is just them feeding this part – I know it hurts like hell but you’re none of the things he says. x

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