Just one good day?

[unicorndust20]

So the weekend is here, weekends are always the time where he has time off work. It’s when the abuse is at its worse.

We have just been food shopping, it went well. He didn’t tell me to put stuff back and he didn’t swear at me or call me stupid etc so I came out feeling positive. We get home and he recently told me that I got fat and that He doesn’t like it, how big I’ve got and that I need to change, I hid a bottle of Diet Coke so I can have it when he’s at work but he found it and all hell as broken loose, he said I’m a lier and I’ll never change. He always says I need to change and I promise him it but me being me I wanted to have a glass of Diet Coke, it’s my thing, I don’t drink or do any drugs, I’m a full time mummy to our little boy and I do my best well I think I do ( he smokes weed) why shouldn’t I be allowed to drink Diet Coke. Anyways I’m so fed up now, we can never ever just have one good day, just one. I feel like a terrible person, I am terrible person, I’m a let down to all the strong women who leave, I just love him so much. I know how silly this sounds and I’m sorry for Ranting x*x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi all this over a bottle of DC, yet his entitlement sees no wrong in partaking of his crutch of choice. I know it’s harsh words you’ve had to hear from him, he’s the liar not you. He’ll never change. As I was nearing leaving I really started to listen to him. But instead of taking it personally, I switched it around in my head. What he accused me of was him admitting what he was. Took a bit of practice, and sometimes in the moment it can’t help but smart. Look at the grey rock method, it’s where you become the most boring person ever. He’s the one who won’t change, having to hide something/anything to stop him going off on one….my heart breaks for you my darling. Remember in all this you’re not the bad person,he is. He chooses to behave this way. The trivialness of what sets them off is so laughable except when we’re right in the middle of it. I literally want to come and pour it over his head, how dare he make you feel this bad. Sorry I hope I’VE not made you feel worse.
Write this in your journal, have you stated keeping one yet. It’s so typical of abusive people, goalposts constantly changing. Making you feel you’re doing great then bam another spanner in the works.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power. You will get through this, reach out to the professionals. Contact your doctor too, I
Its a way of building up a case against him, even if you never end up in court, prepare for the worst, that way when it comes it can’t take your breath away.
Stay strong sweetheart. Im nearly a year away, I never thought I’d do it. Was too huge to contemplate.
Much love IWMB 💞💞

[unicorndust20]

Thanks so much for your kind words. It’s been downhill since this morning. Apparently it gives him the right to go and watch and like women on Tik Tok because he’s not with me for my fine body or tight a*s. He said that when we are in the car he wants to cut my seat belt and let my head smash through the windscreen into a wall when he has driven the car into a wall, all this because I hid a bottle of Diet Coke. I’ve been looking through some of the Posts on here and have found a few things in going to look into later like cognitive desanance. He says he’s not happy and hates me, I just won’t let him go and I just don’t know why? thanks again tho for your advice, I have started a journal and I write everything in it now. X x x

[Iwantmeback]

Look up trauma bonding, once I started thinking about the chemical reaction instead of the hearts and flowers we’re all fed it made the decision to distance a little easier, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a major insight into how abusers work as is living with the dominator by pat Craven. It’s never been you, think of him as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Look up the cycle of abuse and the FOG of abuse. You’ll start to recognise the signs more consciously though your body’s been doing it for years. Write down everything that you remember him saying and doing,if you can date it even better but and here’s the rub, the brain makes us forget traumatic experiences very quickly it’s a coping mechanism in order for us to continue with daily living, that’s one of the reasons the police have been on training courses on how to question victims of DA/DV. Doesn’t mean they still get it or even that you will end up going to them. I filled out a disclosure form (claire’s law) was told by the officer to maintain as much distance from him as possible but also because I’d Been with him as long and hadn’t made any reports previously they couldn’t disclose anything but that also doesn’t mean there isn’t information there against him. Plus IF he does go on to have another relationship, the fact I made an application for info should act as a warning to the future lady.
Keep posting my oh would also make despicable threats to me too but n ou w that I’m no longer with him is trying to say he never meant any of it.
We know what they are capable of.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes we are in love with our illusion of them. That first picture they painted of themselves, then we painted and it imprinted on us, stuck. But is that picture really true of who he is? We spend sooo much energy putting paint on the pig to make it true – that it takes an enormous amount of energy which leaves us exhausted and upset because that pig just will not be a poodle! You can glue all the curly hair on it you want to but that curly pink tail and snout just keeps popping out!

Forgive yourself for believing in the illusion. We all do it. They are great salesmen. Educating yourself is a huge first step. Read, read, read. Gaslighting is something to look up as well. He wants to keep you weak and confused but little does he know – you just lit a fire in your belly!

[Eggshells]

You are not a terrible person and you are not a let down! I think that abusers often accuse you of being the things that they are themselves. If he calls you a liar, he’s telling you that he is a liar. If he says you need to change, then he’s telling you that he needs to change. If he only loves you for your image then he only loves his image of himself. He says he hates you, he hates himself. He just doesn’t realise it!

It can take years to leave, there are well understood reasons for this. It would be really useful to follow up on the reading that IWMB has recommended I find it is safe for you to do so. It could help you to understand him and to understand some of your reactions to him; especially trauma bonding, which you can google.

You are living in a very difficult situation. One day you’ll look back and understand how strong you are to get through it. Leaving is about readiness, One day you will be ready. You already have the strength. 😘

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