Just out after a loonnng road

[Sunshine]

I have been reading this site for the last few weeks and I now have the courage to post.. I have recently left my abusive husband after a very long road of trying and trying to make it work for the sake of my (age removed by moderator) year old daughter. I am out of the house and staying at my parents for the last (detail removed by moderator) weeks even though (date removed by moderator) my husband moved out to let us move back home until the house is sold or he buys me out. But I cant explain this feeling I have that I feel I cant go back… I have always been in the house every time he has been chucked out but it doesn’t feel like my home anymore. I need to get locks on it and also it has a few holes in some rooms due to his temper tantrums. I am trying to be strong, I work full time but now he is fighting me for 2 nights per week access even though he previously agreed to every second weekend. I think he is trying to hurt me and it is now going to go to solicitors.
My daughter is the most precious thing in my whole life and I am trying to work out a reasonable access with us but he has never been in her life like I have he has a drink problem and smokes hash. He has been abusive so bad I’ve called the police before, I have had my father take me and my daughter out the house in the middle of the night, the list goes on and on I suffered terrible abuse everything from items smashed, clothes or processions burned, clothes ripped off my back, items thrown out of windows, a few black eyes but more the house and verbal than anything.
It has now ended and there is absolute no way I am going back to him. But there is all this to sort out and every time he is drunk the abusive texts starts again over his daughter. Even now it has been (detail removed by moderator) weeks I still get spoken to like total c**p when he has a drink in him. Tonight I just cried and cried once I was by myself I don’t know why.. I have a women’s aid support worker. I am prepared to lose my house and everything I have ever worked for but I still feel there is a lot in me that I may need help with to find closure and become happy again.
X

[Ayanna]

Wonderful that you found us here!
Abuser always always always become really nasty when they realise that the women leave them. They try to hurt them via the children, via friends and family, via material things.
It seems the police have a record of him.
Try to reduce the contact to a minimm and stay close to your support worker.
It is a very hard time now for you. Pull all your energy torgether and focus to get through this as fast as possible in the most peaceful manner. Always try to remain calm. That will go in your favour.
If I were in your situation I would not return to the house and get a non molesatation order for him.
I would also ensure his drug use and alcoholism is known. These habits are a danger to your child and she should not be exposed to such a person. That is a safeguarding issue that you could raise with social services in order to get him out of your and your daughter’s life for good.
Be mindful of the danger he poses for you. Stay in touch with the police. x*x

[Sunshine]

Thank you Ayana, for taking the time to write to me xx I hope things will turn out good in the end for me and my daughter

[Sadandconfused]

I agree I don’t know how old your daughter is but the Health Visitor was very supportive of me. I would call Social Services and ask their advice. If he wants to take you to court let him it will take a long time and cost a lot of money. If he is only interested in you hopefully he will loose interest. As others have said safeguarding issues would mean he would most likely only be allowed supervised contact. Don’t give in to any contact you aren’t happy with as this can be used against you. If you feel hes not safe only let him see your daughter in a safe supervised environment or not at all. You can also call NSPCC for advice too.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

Well done for leaving and finding this site, u will get so much support as we have all left abusive partners or in process. First six months r the hardest but with correct support u will get there, iknow when we have kids with these abuser contact is hard to break but not impossible. He does sound dnagerous, with him drinking and doing hash i would dis courage the contact, let him do it the leagal way, the less contact will make u stronger,i know this is really hard for us as when i left my ex too i thought i was in wrong for stopping kids contact and stupidly tried to encourage till i realised not safe , even then i agreed to supervised contact only to find the family playing mind games with my kids head. Speak to womens aid and get a support worker allocated to u and they will guide u with right agencies, i never went into refugee but have a support worker from refugee workign with me, bless she is so good and offers me a lot of support. Speak to us as much as u need to, some one will always respond.As to not wanting to go backt o house ,i felt the same and not going back was what made me stronger, make sure u buld u network of support n*d keep away from people giving u negative advise

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