Just out, surprised myself!

[NotCrazy]

I have posted a few times on here in the past about leaving my relationship,planning to leave that night etc but it always ended up being too hard 🙁
Today I rang my local domestic violence agency. It took me years to build up the courage. And booked an appointment to see them next month.
That has set off a chain of events which has ended in me being in a b&b right now! I have nothing with me but my partner is working tonight so I am going back to collect all of my things.
I text him to let him know I am not coming back and he has not stopped ringing and texting me since (detail removed by Moderator). I am really struggling not to respond. He is saying I am everything to him and that he loves me (all the things he never says) to manipulate me to come back.
He has been emotionally abusive and controlling and has restrained me, held me down and put his hand around my neck, raised his fist to me but has never hit me.
I know I am going the right thing but with nobody to tell what I have done I just feel like I need a bit of reassurance!
I am waiting for Womens Aid to call me back.

[KIP.]

Hey there. You’ve absolutely done the right thing. Can you block his number meantime. It’s a huge step to leave an abuser and no wonder you’re feeling disorientated and frightened. Try to take things one hour at a time. Then one day at a time. I can hear in the tone of your post that your still trying to minimise his behaviour. He has restrained you, put his hands round your neck. These are horrendous things that no one should ever do to another person. The fact that he didn’t hit you was probably because you gave in to his demands or he didn’t want to leave evidence of his abuse. Once the fog of abuse clears you will see how dysfunctional this relationship really is. Meantime, concentrate on yourself. Take baby steps. Recovery is a rollercoaster ride X

[NotCrazy]

Thanks so much KIP for your helpful response it means a lot to me.
I am really struggling not to respond. I will block his number but my only worry was that he won’t go to work and will be there when I turn up. I am still getting constant messages from him and think that he will let me know when he has to leave for work.
I think that you are right about the leaving evidence thing. He never texts or messages me anything abusuve either. It is all verbal. So I have no evidence at all only what’s in my head which he says I make up anyway.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Well done for making that first step. I know it takes an unbelievable amount of strength to do what you’ve done.
He hasn’t hit you but he has still subjected you to physical abuse. Strangling is very high risk behaviour.

There is a very high chance that he hasn’t gone to work. My ex rushed straight home after I’d text him (I’d been gone hours by that point).
I wouldn’t risk going there on your own. I say this not to frighten you but to make you aware of the dangers. Leaving an abuser is the point where you are most at risk of a more violent attack as he lost control of you. He may use the Mr Nice Guy routine to lure you in.
Speak to the helpline on how best to keep yourself safe at this time.

[NotCrazy]

Thanks Walker (I love the name, especially if it’s in reference to The Walking Dead!).
I did go back and I have a car full of bin bags now outside the b&b!!
Luckily he was at work but thank you for the warning.
I am really struggling to not respond to him he keeps begging me to go back home and meet him there after he finishes work.
I really miss him actually. I can’t understand it he has been so nasty but I still love him so much!!

[survivr]

Do you think that you could block his messages coming through? It’s really hard as we’ve been conditioned to listen to them so that we can respond to it in a way that will keep them happy. And we love them so much. When they are being loving there’s nothing in the world that can compare to it. But on the other hand when his abuse starts there’s nothing in the world to compare to that.
Would it help if you were to start to write down all the horrible things he’s done and said over the years you were together?

[lilaclady]

Well done you, the first step is so hard! I had the same when I left millions of calls and texts first he was fuming and then really sad and kept saying how much he wanted me back. Its so hard not to respond but I stayed firm. Keep strong! It is a great idea to write down all the things he has done just to remind yourself when you have moments where you think maybe it wasn’t that bad or you love him so much maybe you should go back. We are separated and he is very much still trying to get me back but I know deep down his abusive behaviour is still there as I see it most days but in a much reduced form. So reading my journal really helped. And I still write now to get my feelings down. Block his number stay strong you can totally do this!!

[Falling Skys]

You go girl xx We are here for you xx

[Serenity]

Don’t get drawn in by his fake pleas.

You’ve done so well to leave. You’ve taken a big leap.

It is a great idea of write everything down hat he did to you, and look at it when you begin wondering if your memory is playing tricks. As we come out of an abusive relationship, it’s easy to start thinking that we imagined certain things, as it had the feel of a hazy nightmare.

I hope that you’ll be able to sort things practically for yourself- a place to stay, long term etc. I would say to be very careful of going anywhere near him: the period after you’ve left is the most dangerous for a woman. He may have not believed that you meant it, but now you’ve taken some things, he knows you do.

[lover of no contact]

Gosh, well done. The hardest step is to leave. Now you mean business and you have got your stuff. Well done for being so courageous and getting your personal belongings. Its so important to block his access to you by text. His onslaught of text messages will be impossible for you not to be affected badly by them. He knows this. He knows which of your buttons to push. If you read his messages he knows he can still control you by his words (sweet and/or nasty). His words will weaken your resolve. Take the control back and don’t let his words into your head. Your abuser is a particularly dangerous one as attempted strangling an intimate partner is a huge predictor for taking the partner’s life. Protect your life. He is dangerous. Don’t let him have any access to you. Keep posting these days to us as these days are critical for you that you don’t go back.

Know that if you maintain your resolve and block him your no response will show him your strength and he will be powerless over your strength and he will be left no choice but to look for another victim to bully. If you respond to him this further engages him.

We are here for you.

This frightening and difficult time for you will pass.

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