Just scared (sorry moany post)

[Anonymous]

Today once again I am emotional, I feel like I have this huge secret that I can’t tell anyone. This is the only place I can vent without worry of it turning into a huge drama that I cant cope with.

This d**n weapon, I know it exists he says he wont use it but he won’t get rid of it or tell me where it is so that I can get it handed into one of those drop off bins or handed into the police ( we have a weapons amnesty at the moment) . Why would you want something like that? He reckons its his friends but he has a key to the box it is in. They kill!!! He has such a vile temper I always worry that just knowing where it is he could use it because sometimes he really cannot control his temper. I have faced him threatening me with most things including fire and lived to tell the tale because I have talked him down. This feels different this is a whole different ball game. It is not just me though is it, he loses his temper with anyone, what if he hurt someone else I would never forgive myself.

Doing my best to keep things calm but its always there when he starts to lose his temper straight away I think oh god and give in!! . The other day he stated out the blue that he thought he could find a way of killing someone (again not direct threat) without being found out. He says the most disturbing things for ages he reckoned if he killed someone that he would kill himself too. His fascination with hurting people makes my stomach churn.

You know when you get to the point where you wonder is the worry just you or is there a real risk or is it just talk because my judgement is rubbish. Mental health services have got involved but they are unaware of a lot of it and my biggest question really is how much weight do I put behind the things he says. Can anyone even answer that. We come out as high risk on everthing but I am still here going round in circles (detail removed by moderator) years on.

I don’t go out there is no one I can talk to about this, I don’t see anyone for ages at a time and when I do it is never the right time. I had help but then I backed out because I was scared to tell them about the weapon and the fact he said if I made him leave he would kill me. I am managing to keep things on an even keel but only just. I am having nightmares, horrendous ones, I am irritable and every day feels like a chore to be endured. Sorry major ranty post but my head is all over the place at the moment.

[Lisa]

Hi Alittlebitlost,

I just wanted to show you some support. Your partner sounds like a very dangerous man and I don’t want to frighten you but I really think you might want to think about speaking to the Police about your situation whilst arranging a refuge for yourself. He sounds very unstable and I think you are very right to trust your gut instinct in this, he is a danger to himself, you and possibly others. Sadly we know that Domestic Abuse is the biggest killer of Women in this country and his threats may be very real. Only you know how dangerous he is but if you are hearing alarm bells please listen to them.

It might also be a good idea to try and speak to the helpline at a safe time when he is not in the house. They could do a little risk assessment with you and help you to safety plan. You deserve so much to feel safe and happy so please get some help to make that a reality.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Hi thank you both for your reply, I tried to approach the subject with my doctor but ended up with a diagnosis instead because the words came out all wrong and I ended up agreeing with him because it seemed too difficult to explain. Then I tried the womens aid helpline and it was busy and I never rang back and finally I tried to speak to a police officer I knew and he was on his days off. I took that to mean that maybe I should keep quiet and hope for the best. I feel like I am being a drama queen. I have known about if for a while but it is some of the comments he has made recently that worries me most because I thought he had got past that. Today a family member said he is going to do something stupid again isn’t he, I can see it coming, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I am worried if I go to the police they will not be able to help and will look at me as though I am mad because I don’t know where it is, just that it exists. So what I am actually telling them? Also I turned down help when it was right there including womens aid because I was scared of the weapon and I used the excuse it was too overwhelming , they all disappeared rather quickly. I am also worried about the fall out if he gets questioned about it, he will guess it is me? I don’t trust my judgement and I am worried I will make things a whole lot worse.

I feel like this last week that I have been consumed with a feeling of dread, so sorry if I have gone on a bit. Thank you again for allowing me to vent.

[Ayanna]

I believe you.
We all have those days when nothing works and everything seems to shut down on us.
Also, many of us turn down help.
Do not give up.
Try again on another day.
Your doctor seems to be an idiot. Do not let this discourage you. I can tell you, I have the worst experiences with them. And every now and then I meet a brilliant doctor who restores my faith in the medical profession again.
Have you tried Rights of Women? You need to choose the callback option in order to get throught to them. They are amazing too. Have you tried the Women and Girls Network? Try them too!
Above all stay safe! x*x

[Anonymous]

In an awful position, mental health have said that given the history of carrying out threats they can give me no reassurances. What do I do with that. He has two types of threats the ones in anger that he has difficulty controlling and those that are said in complete calmness that worry me more. Those are usually the ones that come when you mention moving out or moving on. They sounded a bit worried about what I was saying. I am going to hold on and not do anything to upset things until they have their chance to do their thing. Logically speaking if I sit tight and don’t do anything to upset him it should be ok? Thank you Ayanna again, you will not believe how much it helps being able to vent on here and not have to put on a brave front.

[Ayanna]

Did you try Women’s Aid again? I think you need to go into a refuge.
He must not know what you think and do because that sets him off. My ex was similar. I could not show him any emotions. If he beat me I was not allowed to cry otherwise he could have killed me.
I think that your life is in severe danger from what you say.
If the doctors are too stupid to realize that forget them for now but make sure you complain later, to Jeremy Hunt and Michael Gove. I am serious.
What you need to focus on is to get out unharmed. For this Women’s Aid will be a good advisor.
Have you tried the national domestic violence helpline? I am not sure but I think they can arrange a refuge for you as you call them 0808 2000 247
You do not have much time to spend on the phone, so someone needs to help you to arrange getting out safely.
In the meantime do what you said and do not let him know your thoughts. Appear as you always are, be friendly and agree to what he says if needed just to avoid arguments. I lived like that for a long time because I had no help. I needed to wait until I got the opportunity to get out.
Big hugs! Keep posting! x*x

[Anonymous]

Thanks, he gets off on fear so I do my best not to show it. In fairness to my doctor it was my own fault. He took the discussion in a different direction and it threw me. I am not that good at getting across what I am trying to say. Even talking to mental health I could not tell them about the weapon and I very much put on the front of its ok I am used to it when she said she could not reassure me. I hate people seeing weakness and if I start to show it I then put on this massive front and try and hide it again. I am not sure who I am trying to kid that I am invincible when the reality is that only luck and living on high alert has got me this far x*x

[Ayanna]

You probably have some childhood issues here too. We all have.
That discussion with your doctor was not your fault. The doctor is an idiot. Do not take the blame for what other people do wrong. We are so trained to do that.
I am waiting to hear from you that you called one of the helplines 🙂
As long as you live with him I will be worried about your safety.
At least start collecting advice so that you can have an idea what awaits you and how to go about to get out of the situation safely. x*x

[Anonymous]

I will ring when I know for a fact that he is not going to come back. Writing is easy getting caught chatting about him another story. xx

[Author]

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