Just so angry at the moment

[Eve1]

That I’m only just strong enough now, a substantial number of years on, to think I should have sorted out the settlement better. I didn’t ask for spousal maintenance or any of his pension. I know why, it’s because of all the verbal abuse he gave me about only wanting him for his money (!) and a meal ticket. And when at first we separated and tried to sort everything just by ourselves, he shouted a lot about how he didn’t see why I should get any of his pension. I didn’t realise it was all just more abuse but felt if I was connected to him financially still, it would only mean more of the same. He knew this didn’t he? My work at home and bringing up the children didn’t count, did it?

Makes me so angry now. When we separated I wasn’t young, and now that children are older and I ‘m looking for proper, permanent, full time work, I can’t find it. I felt pretty healthy physically when he left. I don’t now. I wish I’d had access to better advice somehow, for me, or been stronger or something. I know it’s not productive to think like this, but I can’t help it.

Eve
x

[Serenity]

Hi Eve,

Sorry you feel like this.

My solicitor said that, due to a landmark case last year, you can now take your ex to court after many years to recover funds, if you feel he was untruthful about his income or assets at the time. I don’t know if this is possible?

Though I managed to salvage some money through the courts, I am still very hurt and damaged by the whole experience. I totally comprehend that my greatest gift is being away from him. That in itself is priceless.

I hope that you will find a job which is satisfying and which you really enjoy. When you find a job like this, it doesn’t feel much like work.

He might have held on the money, but his conscience isn’t clear and he is rotten inside. I would hate to wake up and be him every day. X*x

[Eve1]

Hi Serenity,

Thank you. I think perhaps the anger is because I dare to let myself feel it now. Not long after he left I definitely felt my freedom was more important than money. I don’t think he hid any assets, he just bullied me.

We are damaged by the whole experience. I hope this gets better for you with time.

Eve
x

[missiepie]

Hi Eve1

I was in a similar boat. My ex called me a greedy btch and everything else under the sun when we had to negotiate our seperation. He refused to go to any mediation or look at the facts. We earned equally and should have divided everything equally but he refused. The thought I might profit in anyway from him made him angry….but he was more than happy to profit from me.

I just cut and ran with what he allowed me to have because at that time I was mentally not in a place to fight. Now I wish I could fight him, because I hate myself for not being stronger.

[Eve1]

Hi Missiepie,

Don’t hate yourself. If we weren’t strong enough to fight at the time, it’s because they made us not strong enough. Mine went to mediation but obviously, being in the same room his as him, meant I still just ‘played fair’. Separate rooms would have been better, but even then, I didn’t feel as I do now. I was brainwashed.

I think the fact that we now see how wrong they were, shows how far we have come.

Is it the case that, as Serenity mentions, yours may have hidden assets or income at a the time? Mine didn’t so I don’t think i have a case now.

I’m so glad you are free of him.

Eve
x

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Eve, I’m so sorry your ex treated you so badly and left you feeling you deserved so little. I’m sure that your kindness to him despite his abuse will lead to good things ahead for you and I hope that you find a suitable job and security before too long. I still haven’t faced the divorce or financial matters. It took so much emotional energy, time and money just to get through family court that I’ve struggled to face the rest. I’ve left him with everything and he continues to freeload off me and not pay a penny in maintenance. I have really struggled to stop taking responsibility for him and as you say all that matters is freedom. I’m lucky I have a good job for now, but if that changes for any reason me and the kids would be homeless and not entitled to any housing benefit as I legally own half a house.
You’re making me think that maybe it’s good I’ve left it a while so I feel stronger about his abuse. I hope I can get through it more dispassionately now but when I think about doing it I realise I’m still scared. Scared of setting him off again, being harrassed again. I so don’t want to get back on that merry-go-round but I guess it has to be done. Your post has motivated me, thank you x*x

[Eve1]

Hi Peaceful Pig,

I can’t put into words how happy I feel that my post has motivated you to move on to sorting things out financially. Thank you.In all honesty, although I do feel stronger, if I had to start dealing with him again I would feel scared too. But you are wise now and would feel more prepared. You should do it. Good luck. And thank you for your positive words. You’re right, is kind to him until his abuse killed that kindness.
Eve
x*x

[Peaceful Pig]

I’m hoping I can leave it mostly to my solicitor. It’s worth the money to save my sanity. I’ve had a few days grieving again due to the time of year, but that just shows how I need to move on all the more. I hope I can be brave enough to start the ball rolling x*x

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