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It’s been a tough day. The house sale is due to complete (detail removed by Moderator) and this means he’s ramping up the emotional blackmail. He moved away to his family which has been such a relief after everything but today I’m feeling on the edge. Its (detail removed by Moderator) plus years in this house and I think I’m mourning what could have been. I’m worried how quickly I park away and forget how awful he has treated me and the children. He’s just sent me (detail removed by Moderator) photos from over the years saying look at how bad a person I am. Essentially just trying as always yo make me feel bad for making this decision. And the most annoying thing is that I do feel bad. I didn’t want this and there were good times but they were on his terms. When I look at those photos I also see the periods in between that weee awful. His drug addiction. The loss of my dreams. I am being selfish making this decision. Its the right one, I know it. I wish he would just leave me alone. I get so tired of being the bigger person. I feel like sending him back the photos of me crying on my birthday or the bruises on my arm. But I don’t Because it’s what he wants. I’ve just had enough of carrying his baggage. Once it’s all gone through I’ll have to be firmer with boundaries for my own wellbeing. I hate him for doing this to us.
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Hi Tiredofitall,
This is exhausting for you.
Not only are you having to deal with your fears for the future and unknown, he is emotionally abusing you too.It is a tactic, the photos, to tug at your heartstrings.
Do you have to have contact with him while the house completes?
Is there a family member you can liase with instead?After splitting, my ex sent me lots of photos saying look at all the good times we had.
I had to remind myself those were minimal in comparison to the bad times.
Also, we don’t take pictures of the bad times.After the house completes, 0 contact is the only way to stop him emotionally abusing you.
You will get a sense of peace and calmness to be able to think and process what has happened to you, and work out what you want from the future.
Xx -
You are amazing so brave so inspiring and I know you dont feel this yet bit I hope one day you will. Of course you are gonna feel sad mourn the loss of a life you so wanted and deserved my guess is thats normal and you should allow yourself to mourn.
Its good to cry and let it all out.
As for him keep reminding yourself of your why.
Why you doing this what he put you through and that how you deserve better much better.
It isnt fair that they get away with what they do to us it isnt fair that they cant see it and actually dont give a s**t whilst we are left scarred for life I have no answer for that. But the best revenge is none at all.
Stay strong stay upright stay focased dont let him in ignore him be the bigger better person you can scream cry shout when you are alone but dont let him see that. Your revenge will be him seeing he hasnt won that he hasnt hurt you that you can go on better without him whilst he will be filled with fear and panic as you have gone. They need us far more than we will ever need them.
You keep going I for one am right beside you sweetie. Xxxxxxx -
Than you both for your supportive words. Its exactly what I needed to hear. Its taken me so long to get to this point, giving him all the chances, supporting him in all the ways I could, giving him the opportunities to fulfil the promises but he just kept letting me down. And then blaming me. And then bullying me. And there were good times but when I look at those photos most of the time I remember the fear I was feeling inside. So in his mind everyone is happy but I know I’m waiting for things to go pear shaped. And you are right, we never take photos of the days and nights I’ve cried after he’s spent hours shouting at me for no reason or waiting for him to have a smoke so that I know he won’t kick off. The constant tension in the house. Afraid to share any good news about myself in case it made him feel bad about himself. I could go on…you all know what its like.
I just need him to sign the papers for the sale and to also agree to the financial arrangements for the divorce, if I can keep the lines open but distant then it will cost me less financially and I don’t have enough money to keep throwing it at solicitors but I earn too much to get any contributions. So I just need to stay focussed and get to the end. Its in sight. Its just a lot to deal with because its not a decision I wanted to make. Because I would have like to have been married to a guy who treated me the way I deserved. But that wasn’t what happened. So I’ve accepted that and will move on and I will have a happier life. There is no doubt about it. And I know that is why he keeps coming for me. Because he does need me more than I need him. To prop up his fragile ego by putting me down. I’m dreaming of the day when its finally all over. I never would have got this far without the cheer leading from you guys and the understanding. Just being understood. It means so much. -
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You speak the truth Tiredofitall.
He does need you and you do not need him.
Like you said, keep the goal in sight.
It’s close.
At least you understand his tactics so although it is traumatic for you, you can keep going forwards.
You are extremely strong, and brave, that is why he is bullying you.
Take care x*x -
It’s like they have a manual – send photos to trigger them is also something I get a lot of and as you say, it’s exhausting feeling that pang of guilt & loss then having to remind yourself all over again why you’re leaving. You’re doing so well, it’s ok to mourn what could’ve been. Just remember it never would’ve been with him, it wasn’t possible x
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Thank you all for just propping me and keeping me going. I am focussed to get us all free but its not an easy ride. One thing that resonated so strongly with me and made me feel really sad was Bananaboat’s comment about mourning what could’ve been but remember it never would’ve been with him, it wasn’t possible. That was like a WOW, of course. I am sad about the life that could have been but I really DO need to start accepting that it was never going to happen with him. I’m stuck in the mind set of thinking he can do something to help himself and he isn’t trying but I think I need to really accept this is it. This is who he is. He reminded me of that this morning. I received (removed by moderator) texts telling me how he’d been diagnosed with (removed by moderator) and that is likely to account for some of his behaviour….rather than ever actually taking responsibility for it. And then I also found out that he (removed by moderator) to our son (who doesn’t talk to him) during the night so that was the first thing he saw when he woke up before going to work. When I called him out on that he said it was a reaction to how he felt he had been treated by our son. The absolute disgust and hurt I feel for my son who only wants his dad to tell him he is genuinely sorry but never will. My son is going to the doctors to get help with dression and anxiety caused by living with his dad. He has always played yoyo with his feelings – quick to judge him and put him down, nothing he does is ever good enough and then acts like it never happened. The straw was threatening to commit suicide to my son (not for the first time) and then just ignoring him after he called for help. He decided he couldn’t take any more and needed to protect himself. I’ve not engaged on his response or the other messages. It just feels like they are never happy to leave you alone. Always have to remind you of their existence and how they are only ever always thinking about themselves and how they feel. I’m so determined to get us all a fresh start but I do wonder how we will ever find a way to be completely free and get over the damage that living with this man has caused us.
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