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    • #75141
      Copperflame
      Participant

      I haven’t posted on here for a while because I’ve been trying to move on with my life, but unfortunately since leaving my abusive ex, I keep getting into abusive friendships. This has only been in the last few years, because before my ex I had healthier friendships.

      I’ve been having therapy for several months, and have come to realise that I am drawn to forming friendships with women who resemble my n**********c and emotionally abusive mother. Because of this I went back to a DV support group I’d been to previously and which did help, but sadly I then became friends with a woman who also turned out to be verbally and emotionally abusive. Like my mother, she had a personality like Jekyll and Hyde. At times she could be lovely, kind and generous, but when she was drunk she would subject me to abusive phone calls in which she would bully and steamroller me, wouldn’t let me speak.

      I know alcohol doesn’t cause abuse but it does loosen inhibitions. She would always ring me up drunk and it was always as if she was spoiling for a fight. She had to win and she had to be right. I’m capable of setting boundaries, but when I’m being steamrollered I get flustered and anxious. Every time I did try to speak she would yell at me to shut up and let her finish. She would get angry if she rang and I didn’t answer the phone straight away. She used all the tactics used by abusive men, putting me down, accusing me of things I hadn’t done, yelling, lying, denying, minimising, making excuses, contradicting what she’d said previously, manipulating and gaslighting. Lundy Bancroft says that abusive men view an abusive argument as war and it’s a war they have to win at all costs. They will not listen to reason because they have to be right. This woman was the same. She waged war on me.

      After these phone calls I would feel upset and drained for several days afterwards. I told my therapist and my therapist advised me to block her and stop all contact, but I felt reluctant because she was the only friend I had in this area. Anyway, after the last three days of bullying phone calls and messages, I decided enough was enough and have now blocked her.

      I have spent most of today crying in the aftermath. My therapist is away on holiday so I rang a local DV helpline, who advised me to ring the police. So I rang them, and much to my surprise the officer said I had a case for harassment. I’ve been given a crime number and the police said they will go and speak to her.

      Feeling very drained and low now. It had never occurred to me to ring the police, or that the way she was treating me amounted to harassment. The police said they’d call back later.

      Thanks for listening.

    • #75159
      Cheesequeen
      Participant

      Hi Copperflame. Well done for taking the control back. That was very brave.
      I hope thinga settle down now and you can move past it. It’s never ok to be abused by anyone. Good luck x

    • #75164
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Nice work! I’ve never had to set boundaries with any of the friends I have, there is always respect so this hasn’t been needed, nor has there been any kind of related issue. On the occassion I have had to speak up with someone as she or he has crossed the line, this has been a red flag so I’ve not formed a friendship with these people. I have been steam rollered mind, when this happens I opt out, no explanation, I’m polite and say hello but that is it.

      In the past, Ive noticed that if a relationship starts off with me supporting her emotionally, it will most likely continue to be this way, as she sees me as her emotional support, not a friend to also have fun with – it doesnt feel equal, it feels like she wants me to hear her but is not that interested in listening to me or learning about what’s happening in my world. I cant think of one example where a relationship has developed into more when it starts here. I think good freindships perhaps start off fun and light, then they develop into more meaningful relationships as we support one another through the highs and lows over time.

    • #75579
      Copperflame
      Participant

      Thanks Ladies,

      A quick update. A police officer got in contact with me and consequently, a letter was sent warning this person about her behaviour. Unfortunately, when she received it she kicked off and made a load of allegations about me, which were absolutely not true. Unfortunately, the officer concerned believed this person and not me, and I ended up feeling like the criminal – not to mention feeling full of self-doubt wondering if the problem was me after all.

      Thankfully Victim Support rang me the same afternoon and the woman I spoke to said it sounded as if this person was very controlling, and also that the officer’s behaviour towards me wasn’t appropriate. I told her that it hadn’t occurred tp me to ring the police until I spoke to a DV helpline who emphatically advised me to report it, which I then did. I felt better knowing that Victim Support believed me and was supportive.

      Consequently I’ve filed a complaint about the officer concerned because of the way she made me feel.

    • #75581
      KIP.
      Participant

      Well done for making a complaint. I have made a complaint against a police officer when she accused me of ‘wasting police time’. Her supervisor was appalled at her behaviour and assured me she would receive appropriate training so she didn’t do it to anyone else. That’s all I wanted but many other women would just switch off to the police when met with this attitude. The mixed signals from different officers can be distressing. Making counter allegations is also very common. If this person felt aggrieved then why wait for you to make a complaint first?

    • #75584
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Wow! Go girl! So glad you’ve decided to complain. This woman sounds dreadful, but sadly yes, this is what the N’s do isn’t, kick off and blame everyone else and if they feel they have to..they ramp it up and LIE. So hard to deal with when they do. 100% behind you Copperflame! xx

    • #75594
      Copperflame
      Participant

      Thanks Kip and Fizzylem,

      The officer was nice when I reported the complaint but after the person made accusations against me, her attitude changed completely. She even said my own behaviour could be construed as harassment! I can’t give any detail because it could be identifying, but as you say KIP, if she was so aggrieved why wait for me to make a complaint first? And as you say Fizzylem, isn’t it just what they do, kick off and blame everyone else, make counter allegations and also tell LIES! This sort of accusatory attitude from police officers can deter women in danger from seeking police help and is unacceptable.

      Something I’ve learned from this is that I definitely need to tighten my boundaries with people who show signs of abusive behaviour instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt. Yet I struggle so much with self-doubt and keep wondering if I’m overreacting or whether I’ve got it wrong. After a particularly bullying and upsetting phone call from this person some weeks ago, my therapist couldn’t understand why I didn’t block her immediately instead of giving her another chance. I know now I should have taken my therapist’s advice because the behaviour then escalated. Oh well I guess you live and learn 🙁

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