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I have just walked out of the house. I left my children there and told them I’d be back soon. I can’t stand his constant criticism. I think I truly despise him. He is a good father but an overly critical, controlling partner. Sometimes I feel like I am going mad – maybe if I take on the criticism I can be a better person? But it is constant and ever-changing. The goalposts just keep shifting.
If I don’t leave my children will find partners just like him, and spend their lives being told what to do.
I have worked so hard and am just emotionally exhausted. -
If it helps he is not a good father. You say yourself if you don’t leave your children will find partners just like him. No good father abuses the mother of their children. No good partner would be setting such a bad example. It’s hard to leave without support. Please call the helpline and go to your local women’s aid who can help you leave safely. Changing the goal posts keeps us walking on eggshells leaving us anxious and too mentally exhausted to see the bigger picture. Feeling like you’re going mad is a sure sign of an abuser. What gives him the right to criticise you? Trying to change the person you are is also a sign you’re being abused x sadly abuse always gets worse.
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Thank you, kip. Reading your words makes me so sad. When I am not there, he is great with the children.
But so much time is spent together with him ranting at me about my ‘poor behaviour’ with me pointing out that what he is doing in that moment is the worst of all. I hate him so much at times. Then I feel responsible for our situation and think I can dig us out of it. Endless unhappiness -
Hi I am
They keep you on tender hooks, I couldn’t clean, cook in fact everything I did was wrong. I would change the way I did things, then he would change what he wanted.
But I would think to myself that he was good to the children so I stayed. The children are now adults and have nothing to do with me. My son is abusive like his father, my daughter is in another abusive relationship, sadly know I can not stop the cycle they are in.
I am know on my own and wishing I hadn’t spent decades waiting for him to change.
Hugs and good luck with your future.
FS x
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I am I completely understand where you are coming from, the amount of times I have walked out the door just to get some head space, but I always go back. FC what you wrote has really struck a chord with me, life is just too short to live like this, it is such a waste and cause irreparable damage. I am take KIPs advice, leave safely, get a plan in place and go. I know it’s not that easy, I too am stuck in this hell still with no way out at the moment. Something I’ve learnt from being on here, be smart, be one step ahead and be strong you can do this. xxxx
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So difficult, isn’t it? My children will suffer so much but I feel that, as their key role model, they will suffer so much more in the long term if I stay. I have so much anger inside it aches. But I will go back tonight for them.
I am not physically scared of him but I am frightened of his criticism, his ability to be so certain that he is right. He will struggle so much without me in so many ways but I don’t wish this upon him. I wish he were stronger so we didn’t have to suffer this f*****g misery -
The number of times I’ve had sex against my will, but being told it’s my responsibility as a partner. His sister told him that if I withhold sex it is unfair???!!!! Honestly, what the actual f**k?! He often tells me he has such a high drive he may need to seek solace elsewhere do often, despite the strains of family life, we wake at 5am to have sex. He will wake me for it. If I’m not in the mood (which I rarely am) I just lie there and let him screw me. Awful. Can’t actually believe this is my life and this is what I have normalised.
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We are trapped in a FOG of abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt. My ex called me frigid. Woke me early for sex knowing I was tired and less able to resist. Don’t believe a word he says. That bit about his sister saying it was unfair sounds like something my ex would just make up. Or use a half truth. They are liars. Coercing someone into sex is rape. Consent must be given freely without the fear of consequences. The anger you feel but can’t show will turn to depression or other mental issues. Try contacting women’s aid x
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Feel for you and totally relate to leaving the house knowing children asleep, sometimes I would hide in the garden and listen to make sure all was quiet, as providing children slept he would not be on the prowl.
The knowledge to have is power to you, to be used when you are ready.
You are already turning your face to another future for you and your children.
Warmest wishes. Ts
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I came home. I told him if he talks to me I will leave again so he is not speaking to me. Of course, he has now taken the children under his wing. I spend so much time and energy caring for them, and when there is a hint I may have had enough of his c**p, he becomes dad of the year.
I am going to plan a way forward without him but it is so scary, and so real. -
We do sleep separately. He tends to come into my room in the morning, often to wake me, and then I go with him to his room. I just know that if I say no too often, I will be accused of denying him his basic human rights and there will be an argument if I don’t agree. I often agree just to avoid a day-long argument
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I am bless you, the same thing here, have to do what you’re told just for a quiet life, it’s awful. I completely understand about the anger too, I feel so angry inside all the time it’s crazy. Really hope for a calm and safe day for you today and ring WA to help you plan a way forward. I didn’t get through to start with and found leaving an answerphone message a great idea, meant I couldn’t back out because they were going to definitely call back x*x
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Him having sex with someone who doesn’t want to is not his basic human right. What about your human rights not to be sexually abused. To live without fear. I had separate rooms too and he would come into my room. I eventually got a lock on my bedroom door to keep him out. We begin to live in an dreadful frightening dysfunctional world. But we see the outside world as scary where in reality the real fear and the real monster is with us in our home. There’s nothing safe about your home. He’s using the kids too. They will be getting. Brainwashed too. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You do not have to live like this. I used to lie awake at night when I heard him get up I would repeat to myself ‘don’t come in,don’t come in’. After his arrest I had nightmares for months where I woke up saying this. This abuse stays with us for a lifetime. Ending a relationship, you can recover from but abuse lasts much much longer. Start keeping a journal. Speak to your GP and find your local women’s aid. Keep posting for support. The mind games they play are unbelievable. And we just can’t see them happening. In the end i wouldn’t give in to his coercing and I flatly said no to sex and he raped me anyway.
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I appreciate this communication so much. I think I may still be in some degree of denial, so I find words such a staple and molest quite shocking. Surely this isn’t what’s happening to me? But then I think: have i(on so many occasions) has sex when I really didn’t want to? And the answer is yes.
Am I anxious in his presence? Yes.
Does he constantly overstep my boundaries? Yes.
I think if I don’t separate from him I will become seriously unwell. I think I am already sliding into a depression, and have no one to talk to.
Such a difficult situation. I read your comments and think you both sound so much stronger than me, and I worry I can’t find the strength.
I’ll try to call WA today and start making practical steps. It’ll be a distraction from the emotional stuff xx -
oh I am you are strong. My lovely I may sound strong but I’m not, just resigned to what it is. I could have wrote what KIP wrote, the waking at the slightest sounds, praying he’s not coming for me. We too have separate bedrooms, to the point where I sleep with my youngest child now. If you have sex when you don’t want to it’s rape, and like KIP said, you get to the stage where you say no and they do it anyway or they trash the house, break things, rip up your clothes etc until you do what they want. I have been on here for two years, posting occasionally and am still very much trapped in my situation, just going round in the same cycle. I managed to ring WA this year, register for a council house without him knowing and take photos of my injuries. That’s about it. I am no further forward really. But it is really starting to get to me now, being this bubbly, confident person to the outside world and living in the black hole day after day. And my babies, my poor babies have to live with this. It’s so difficult but you can do it my lovely. Keep posting, get all the information you need slowly but surely. xxxx
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My ex husband forced himself on me too when I said no or he’d start having sex with me while I was asleep…both of these are Rape. And it’s wrong.
My ex would say it was my duty as his wife to have sex. If I managed to get out of it he would be grumpy/moody/cross/angry….slamming doors banging things down etc…I knew why…but our children didn’t…I hated the atmosphere for my children, so I would let him av sex…it would buy a few days til next time….please don’t live like that…please report him…
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I am… I’m in a very similar situation with regards to the coerced sex – I give in to avoid his moods as if I really say no he will crash around the house slamming doors etc – I know it’s to wake the kids up so that I have to get up and deal with them when I should be asleep. My husband also has sex with me in the early mornings when I’m still asleep, I end up just pretending not to wake up until it’s over. I tried to leave very recently and failed after he promised he would change – I didn’t believe him but he looked so pathetic and sad that I stayed. The coerced sex has got worse since then it’s much more often. Leave without telling him – it seems harsh especially when they aren’t physically violent but they are master manipulators and you end up worse off after trying and failing to leave.
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He’s not actually denying anything. We talked a lot yesterday and he agreed he has been controlling and that recent unpleasant episodes are completely out of order. He apologised profusely and agreed it’s unacceptable.
I told him I think he’s just saying this because he’s scared I’ll leave and he agreed that he is scared.
Am still going to plan a route out of the relationship because I need to know what I’m going to do if he reverts to the abusive behaviours. Being well-informed makes us feel stronger. -
He’s saying exactly what you want him to say. It doesn’t change the fact that he is an abuser and has abused you for years. I played this awful game with my ex. He offered to get help etc. They will do and say anything but they do not change. I’m sure you’ve given him chance after chance after chance. Make your plans to leave and if a miracle happens and you don’t have to leave then you can change your mind but being with him and discussing it with him will just mean more mind games. Get all your ducks in a row befor you leave and don’t tell him you’re going. You don’t owe him anything. He is not your responsibility and he gave up and Rights for you to be reasonable the first time he abused you. Watch out for revenge. You’ve stood up to him and when he gets the upper hand back you will be punished and you just won’t see it coming x keep posting so you don’t get lost in his fog of abuse x
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You’re reaching new insights each time you post, I am, and you’ve had great advice. I want to say just one thing, in agreement with KIP. You say he’s a great father when you’re not around, but that seems highly unlikely, given what he’s like the rest of the time. My question is, what evidence is there for his amazing parenting status? Might he be coaching the children on what to tell you, or buying their affection in some way? Remember, you are the one doing the heavy lifting of parenting. Almost anyone can clown around entertainingly for ten minutes!
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Yes, Kip, I do fear you are right. He wants to keep things together but I cannot see how I can do that. I lie awake and think about the years of criticism and anxiety and I feel so resentful and sad. He wants to say we are 50/50 responsible but I didn’t frighten him or try to control his thinking. I will continue to make my plans and cannot see us together over the longer term xx
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Thanks, flowerchild, for your comments. Re parenting, he is very engaging, and has been there throughout all of the sleepless nights. I don’t think he feeds the children stories when I am not there. It’s more he accuses me of poisoning them towards him. I believe they defy him because they hate the way he speaks to them on times x
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If he’s accusing you of poisoning them against him you can be almost certain he’s doing it to them against you.
What I found was whatever my ex accused me of, he was actually doing it. He accused me of cheating, of stealing money, of involving our children. All of which he was doing, not me. Think carefully the next time he accuses you of something. In my experience it was as good as a confession x -
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