Just want to see how red this flag can get

[Itsabouttime]

Hello I’m not new but I have been reading a couple people’s posts for a while now and it’s really helped me. I have now written my first post and awaiting someone to respond (if anyone) I am so so grateful for everyone that posts on here. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart for speaking up and sharing your storys because it helped me out a heck of a lot. I was abused emotionally I had no self confidence no self respect I didn’t know who I was anymore I was an empty shell. Its been lots of years later and I’m still struggling with it mentally to this day. I’ve been really low and I’ve had some highs too. I’m going through something at the moment but thats all on my other topic in a different forum. Even after leaving he still manages to control me because we have kids together he will always be there. I have this issue where when I am faced with him I cannot for the life of me stand up to him I just go with whatever he says just to get him away quicker. He is so good at making me feel like I’m in the wrong and he is right it’s just not worth arguing with him so whatever he says I go along with it’s just easier that way. I feel like a doormat. Yes sir. No sir. 3 bags 4 sir. Its really starting to effect me. Its been years why can I not stand up to him and say no! What is wrong with me? Anyway thanks for reading. I may never get better I feel as though the damage is irreversible. I’m doomed.

[Plodding]

Hi itsabouttime. Thanks for sharing this I think you are really brave for having left . I am still with mine who makes me feel like this all the time and Iv just started thinking about walking away but I too have children . I ask the same question, why can’t I just stand up to him ?! It’s because they gradually wear away our confidence through all the blaming as negativity and once they have responded to us in a particularly aweful way it makes it so we can’t say anything to them again and we arnt allowed to be angry and upset with them , they are above criticism . I am very worried about how mine will be if and when we separate in don’t know what’s coming . I have found my local women’s aid very helpful , Have I tried this ?
I hope this is helpful take care x

[Eyesopening]

Hey itsabouttime, I would be exactly the same if I had to have contact with my ex, they trained this response into use for many years, the fear and brainwashing doesn’t just go away. The thought of having to face him terrifies me, I think women who leave with children must be the bravest women.
I think this is why no contact is always preferred, because we can then truly heal, if they are in our lives then its very hard to heal. I have seen others recommend a third party for contact when children are involved, others on here will be able to tell you more.
But also I wanted to say this is all about boundary’s. After leaving, I have no contact with the ex. But still with other people in my life, I need to make sure I exercise good boundaries to protect myself. For example my sis in law wants me to babysit all the time now. Or my dads moods are effecting me too much because I feel responsible for his mood. I need to exercise my boundaries here by saying no sometimes to my sis in law, and by protecting myself from my dads moods, his unhappiness is not my responsibility and I am free and able to leave him to himself. So boundary work will be useful in your whole life.
You can google boundaries or developing boundaries and how to enforce your boundaries. It’s very important after an abusive relationship because they wear our boundaries down,
I was just recommended Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship by by Adelyn Birch which I have just ordered.
x*x

[Bananaboat]

We do it for safety too especially those of us still in the relationships. We’ve learnt if we do stand up to them it just gets nastier. Have you had counselling, I wonder if that might give you some tools to use when you’re feeling railroaded into his way of doing things?

[Chickadee]

Hi-

The day will come when you do stand up to him and it will be one of the most empowering and greatest feelings of your life.

It will just happen, you will get there!

Blessings 🙂 Chickadee

[Vanillastar]

Hi

I totally understand you going along with what he says and not standing up to him. I used to do the same and actually sometimes still do. You don’t want the kick off, the drama so you just go along with it and surpress your own feelings. It’s fear and also their manipulation. You will get there. I deal with a therapist and she points me in the direction of support groups etc and helps me make plans of how to deal with situations as like you I have a child with my abusive ex so still have contact because of our daughter.

These people are bullies and one day you will be able to stand up to him. Keep going x

[nbumblebee]

I do the same im still here and i always stay quiet i always just hide away when he starts cause like you i am so very scared that one day he will really hurt me i can see it in his eyes now. We do what we can to keep ourselves safe to get through life day by day. Dont ever feel bad for that, you have left thats huge give yourself some credit for that be proud of that.
Just keep safe keep growing keep healing. Xx

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