Just why???

[Sci-figirl]

I just want him to leave. Why wont he just go? Its miserable. I hate him. We argue and I tell him to leave and he says he’s going to, because being with me is so awful. Then he acts like it never happened. Of course he’s not going to leave. Why would he? He has almost everything he wants. And what I don’t give him, he makes sure I pay a heavy price for. Constantly criticising and berating me. I’m so tired of it. But I cant just come out and say it. I don’t know why. I’m so scared of what it means. Will I just stay like this? Am I that much of a coward? The guys never hit me. He’s not that scary. I feel like I’m protecting the kids. Because I know he’ll make it hard, because I’m terrified of having to leave our child with him. I cant protect him if I’m not there. Its not that I think hell come to harm as such, but he’s such a bad influence. Its such an unhealthy world he lives in. I’m scared of what it will do to him. I feel like I at least have some control right now. Its stupid, I know. But I don’t know how to get out of this. My rational brain knows what the truth is. But I’m so afraid. I’m afraid of him, of the hurt he can inflict. I loved him so much, so much. I’m so sad that he’s this. That I’M this. How do you do this to another human being who loved you so much, gave you so much? I just want it to be over. But they don’t let that happen do they? How is it right that I should have to fight for my own life back? How did I give it so readily to him? There’s so much I still can’t comprehend. I understand the terms, the information. My brain gets it. But my heart is having trouble catching up…..

[Eggshells]

Hi Sci-figirl

Yes, it does take time for it to settle in your head and then in your heart.

It almost feels like I can hear your head whirling with all of the thoughts clanking around inside getting broken and jumbled.

Try to give yourself time. Writing things down can help to unjumble your thoughts. You don’t have to deal with this all in one go.

[Bananaboat]

You’re right, he won’t go. They are parasites, living and feeding off us (their hosts), they can treat us however they please and we stay, they can take our money, put us down, cheat/lie, abuse substances and still we stay. They are clever manipulators just using their powers for evil.

I agree with eggshells you’re at a stage where your brain is processing everything, the rose tinted glasses are slipping off and you’re realising he won’t change and you don’t want to carry on like this. This bit is exhausting. Don’t waste any energy on trying to convince him to change or see your point of view. Focus your energies on learning about abuse, slowly but surely you’ll see more and your confidence will grow again. Then you’ll start to think what’s next for you.

I’m sorry to say he won’t make it easy, he won’t leave, he’ll flip/flop from nice to nasty to try anything to get you compliant again but you’ve been strong enough to live like this for so long, you’re strong enough to get out. xx

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