Just wondering… is this physical abuse or not?

[equinoxal]

We were having fun, and I was just messing around- I hid behind a door and jumped out to surprise him. I thought it would be okay because we play around like that sometimes and we were having a laugh two minutes earlier. I’m surprised it even scared him, all I said was ‘boo!’. But he got SO mad. He told me (detail removed by Moderator), and punched me very hard in my arm. He then said (detail removed by Moderator). His punch knocked me back and I fell over onto the floor into some stuff behind me. It left a big bruise. I was visibly shaken afterwards because he’d never laid a finger on me like that before.
I would understand if he punched me as a knee jerk reaction to being scared, but he punched me a good 5-10 seconds after he saw me come out, enough time for me to apologise before he did it. I could also tell he seemed like he was going to hit me, so I tried to move away quickly, and he followed me. Which makes me think he just did it because he was angry at being caught off guard, not out of fear.
I feel silly asking if it counts as physical abuse as it was only in my arm and I know many of you will have received so much worse. But my family have started to ask me whether he’s ever been physical with me, and I’m always unsure of whether this counts or not. Just wanted some perspective on this incident.

[deathangel]

If someone does something physical with their hands, arm, leg, foot, head, a tool/weapon/object and it comes into contact with any part of your body with force (sometimes without force, pinching, poking and pushing are less forceful at times, but still physical) and with intent (especially if anger precedes the action) then it is physical abuse. When you say it was just your arm, that is part of you, your body, if he stamped on your toes, that is still your PHYSICAL body. Nothing is just anything with abuse, this is abusive, no question. Yep, you took his power away by catching him by surprise (I have done the same thing and had verbal abuse ensue)…you were not to blame for his reaction. Would he punch a total stranger if they took him unawares?

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Whether it is emotional, verbal, psychological or physical, it is all abuse. If your family are starting to worry, maybe take the opportunity now to garner some support. I know what you are thinking though, will they believe you? Mr. Nice guy often has the support of everyone, because he does not do any of this stuff out in the open. If you are not sure about talking to your family maybe get some independent support from this place.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey hun, this is abuse.

Quite a few of us have also had experiences where we get hurt when just ‘messing about’, then you get told that he didn’t mean it and you can’t take a joke/have no sense of humour/overthink or over exaggerate etc etc.

It is abuse and is likely to escalate.

Mr Nice Guy reels you in so that Mr Abuser has his day.

Please call the helpline.

[iwillbeok]

Hi – I would recognise this as physical abuse. What I didn’t recognise was the physical abuse in my relationship. For years he would pinch me, usually while watching TV together. It started out playfully enough – I would ask him to stop and he would. Over time he would not stop when asked – I would get upset and beg him to stop. I told him it hurt – he would tell me it didn’t hurt. I vaguely recall him saying at one point that he did it to get attention from me. Gah, its all so confusing now that its knotted up with all the other stuff. He stopped the pinching for a long time – though every now and then there was the odd random pinch. He then took to ‘tickling’ – which was not gentle. Again if I complained that it hurt – he would scoff at the idea and tell me “It didn’t hurt.” and then later he would use it as a tool to pretend rejection. He never hit me, not even close, though he did shout and tantrum (throwing things) when things didn’t go his way. So in hindsight I guess the threat was always there subconsciously. He’s a large guy.

[Littlemouse]

Hi all,my son drinks and takes drugs..he then verbally abused me if I say anything to him. He’s paranoid as he uses class A (cocaine) and class B (weed) He has moved his girlfriend in without asking me and she does as he says. The girlfriend doesn’t drink as often as him but has no consideration or respect for me or my home. Eg. I told them not to smoke in the house..neither of them listen my house stinks of weed. Even when my son went out I went into the bedroom to find her sitting on the bed smoking a joint. So quite clearly she is taking me for a joke and not respecting my rules for my home. She wouldn’t dare smoke in her mums house so why do it to me. I hate myself so much already and more and more each day! I have no support my friends and family have deserted me so I’m an easy target. I often think about suicide as it seems the only way out. I have nothing good in my life or anything to look forward to in the future. I have (detail removed by moderator) grandkids who I don’t see mainly because they’re not allowed to come to my house. I have lost everything because of my son and at my wit’s end. He’s getting worse by the day I can’t cope. I told him to leaves many times but he don’t listen. I told the girlfriend she’s not to stay here but she don’t listen I am in a corner trapped inside this prison cell I call my bedroom pulling my hair out. I’m scared to leave my home as he will trash it and have all his drunken friends in the house as he does now. My (detail removed by moderator) and it was the most loneliest time of my life! Waiting scared all day not knowing what to expect when he returned home. I told him and his girlfriend not to return to the house but they never listened. Please help me move forward with this scary situation. Hugs to all u brave ladles out there I need the help and courage to be a survivor. From a scared mouse! x

[Lisa]

Hi littlemouse,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum, you’re in the right place for support. I’m very sorry to read of the hugely negative effect your son is having on your life. What you are explaining is domestic abuse; I recognise that it must be so upsetting and complicated for you as it is your son perpetrating the abuse. That said, yes he is your son, but in reality he needs to be dealt with in the same way as any man who is being abusive.

If he does not have any rights to your home (e.g. he is not on the tenancy) then you have the right to report his behaviour to the police and have him removed from your home. You may then need an injunction to keep him away from the property. I understand this will be a very difficult action to take, however it sounds like it has got to the point where some further action is required. He is not going to stop of his own accord.

Alternatively you could consider getting away to a refuge, for some support, respite and safety. Then you could seek guidance to have him removed once you are somewhere safe.

I understand if you’re not quite ready to take these actions, that’s fine, there’s lots of support available to help you to decide what to do. I think it would be really helpful for you to call the Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence. You do not have to give your name when you call. With the right support I’m sure life will be able to improve for you in time.

Please consider starting your own topic in one of the other forums. See the FAQ section if you need some guidance with this.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Littlemouse]

By the way I’m a survivor of a serious rape and battery assault so feeling lower than low.

[Bubblegum]

Hello little mouse .I wouldn’t know what would be the best to advice you regarding your son .What an awful position to be in Hopefully one of these ladies would have better idea .Could you ring your local women’s Aid ? There must be someone who could advice you on this .Sounds like you have gone through so much .One thing would suggest might not feel up to it over weekend if the weather is nice go for a walk or go to a nice coffee shop or even somewhere like the cinema .Maybe do something you wouldn’t normally do .You don’t have to leave your house to long .Call it a (detail removed by moderator) treat to yourself .If you don’t feel like going try make yourself go .Youll feel better for doing something .Hopefully you can get the advice you need to sort this problem out .You have been through enough Please find the strength to put stop to this .(detail removed by moderator) X*x

[Littlemouse]

Thank you ladies for all ur advice..I do t know what to do! All I know is this has to stop but I don’t.ha e the strength or in a.financial position to leave. I ha e no money or car to leave. I’m so confused what to do for the best. Where do I start? What of my.belongings? My.home ive worked so hard for ! Someone help me decide what to do. I must come across so week compared to u ladies. I have a problem leaving the house lately..but now have a problem trying to.find the courage to leave. Hugs to u all. Little Mouse x

[lover of no contact]

Hi littlemouse,

I know you feel your situation is helpless but you have taken the first step to getting free and that is reaching out for support to us. This is a big step and will help you with your fear of your son. Please keep reading the posts and posting on here as much as you need. Knowledge is Power and you will become strengthened.

Also if there was a support group near you like al-anon or nar-anon I would attend. There you will meet other parents who are dealing with the behaviours of addicted to drugs/drink sons and or daughters. You will learn how to take action eventually. Your son won’t change but you can change and get support and strength to cope with his intimidation, harassment and abuse. And you will get the strength to take the right action.

Just keep yourself safe and gather as many supports around you as you can including ringing Women’s Aid.

We can’t deal with this on our own but with lots of the right support we can.

[Littlemouse]

Thank you ladies for all ur advice..I do t know what to do! All I know is this has to stop but I don’t.ha e the strength or in a.financial position to leave. I ha e no money or car to leave. I’m so confused what to do for the best. Where do I start? What of my.belongings? My.home ive worked so hard for ! Someone help me decide what to do. I must come across so week compared to u ladies. I have a problem leaving the house lately..but now have a problem trying to.find the courage to leave. Hugs to u all. Little Mouse x

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