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    • #128712
      Gazebo
      Participant

      Hi
      I’ve been feeling so low these last few weeks and even struggle to talk to my husband I can’t make conversation and struggle being around him….he is so needy and constantly asking me what’s wrong am I ok is anything up etc? And always messaging me about it and telling me how much he loves along with doing naff all to help me around the house but complaining this isn’t done and that isn’t done and putting me down and telling me what clothes I should buy I think my reason for post is how do people pretend to their partners / husband it’s all ok if it isn’t I just try to avoid confrontation and arguments and how do people kind of fake it – do people still love their partners or has it all gone completely? Sorry but all over the place I find this forum a good place to write things down and get it out of my head xx

    • #128716
      KIP.
      Participant

      For me not being able to express my feelings and not having my feelings validated led to depression and real mental health injuries. These men simply don’t care. They talk the talk but never walk the walk. Judge him by his actions not his words. Are you in touch with women’s aid? When they sense we are ill either physically or mentally they see it as a weakness and an opportunity to increase the abuse. He sees you’re feeling down and his response is to harass you into confrontation. He won’t ever change but you can. I remember feeling sick while holding my husbands hand walking along a beach. My skin crawled by this stage but still I pretended all was ok. Just to keep the peace and prevent further abuse, it destroyed me. I became socially anxious and couldn’t leave the house. Don’t let it get that far. You deserve better x

      • #128819
        Gazebo
        Participant

        Thank you kip that’s exactly how I feel when he holds my hand and I know he does it on purpose to make me feel uncomfortable and I really hate it 🙁 I am struggling to see how I will ever get out I don’t feel I have the strength to do it- I tell myself when he’s not here oh make the effort try and make it work but when he gets back I just get that feeling I can’t take this anymore 🙁 xx

      • #128862
        KIP.
        Participant

        That’s exactly how I felt. It’s the brainwashing that keeps us there and I suppose hope that he will change. I used to hope he had an accident and didn’t return. Abuse robs us of our confidence.

      • #129108
        Gazebo
        Participant

        Yeap I feel that too I feel so sick this morning just hate being in this and want to escape so much and tell him where to go but with small kids just feel I have to tread carefully but feel it will never happen ;-( xx

    • #128717
      littledove
      Participant

      You shouldn’t have to fake it. You deserve a supportive partner who listens and helps you through things and is empathetic and caring and who can support your needs.

      I still loved mine right up until I left him. He caused me anxiety and mental health problems and trauma that I’m getting therapy for now.
      Now I’m so much more happier and waiting for a nice man who treats me with respect and love I deserve.

      Sending hugs x

    • #128718
      soxy
      Participant

      I get it, I’ve got to the point were I feel absolutely nothing. I don’t want to be in the same room, I don’t want to have any sort of conversation. I keep so much to myself, because I’ve learnt over the years that it just isn’t worth the breath. At the moment he’s really annoying because he’s trying to be all nice, but yes when he asks (he does a lot) if I’m ok, I just respond fine. I got a text recently (detail removed by moderator). I was working but just kept getting loads of pointless texts. I try and avoid, I don’t think I always do it very well and he thinks I have a bad attitude, however, I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t care. I do feel slightly sad at times because he can’t see his issues, but I know that I can’t change him. Still can’t tell you why I’m still here though :-(! Thanks for sharing Gazebo, I agree with what you, I find this forum great to ask a question and get it out of your head. Also to read others posts and realise that you are ok and not going mad! Also I’m probably happier discussing things on here that I could no way discuss with my family or even close friends. So thanks to everyone who listens xx

      • #128821
        Gazebo
        Participant

        It’s so hard isn’t it I know if it wasn’t for my kids I wouldn’t be here now I’d have gone long time ago and then o wish I’d gone my kids were really small as leaving now I feel will break their hearts. If I go out which I rarely do now I’d get who have you seen, who have you spoken to how many drinks have you had so it was never enjoyable so I don’t bother now. Hope you are getting some support snd can escape one day xx

    • #128720
      Secretlife
      Participant

      Hello Gazebo

      I have no feelings for my husband and haven’t had for a good while now. His treatment of me has robbed me of the love I used to have for him. Since joining this forum I have learnt so much about emotional abuse and control. I have also read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft (you can download it for free) this book is an education in itself! Gaining an understanding of abuse and control has given me a lot of inner strength and I’m generally able to cope much better. My husband knows ‘I’m different’ now but he can’t work out why. He will have noticed my reactions to his moods and silent treatments are different. This forum and my newly gained knowledge is my secret weapon! I would also say to you to try and concentrate on yourself as much as you can, see friends as much as you can, grab ‘me time’ when you can. I also found a little job, which my husband doesn’t like me doing, so I try and do as many hours as I can just to get back at him – I suppose it’s my way of gaining a bit of control back! Keep reading, and keep posting, I know how hard it is, you are not alone. I’m sending you love and strength x*x

      • #128822
        Gazebo
        Participant

        Thank you secret life I will try and get that book -‘my doctor also told me about that one. I have got myself a job now so I manage to get out of the house each day and be myself a bit more I don’t really socialise to much as it’s not worth the hassle but do see my mum friends which helps. I just feel so frustrated with myself for letting this happe as when I look back now and some of the things he did at the start if someone was telling me their partner was doing it I would have told them to run a mile 🙁 but I stupidly went along with it all xx

      • #128829
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @gazebo a new job thats fantastic huge well done how amazing does that feel? Good on you girl big hugs x

    • #128827
      Secretlife
      Participant

      I did just the same at the beginning of our relationship. I look back and can’t believe how stupid I was. We didn’t have the knowledge we have now, if only! I really feel there needs to be more awareness out there about emotional abuse. Most of us always thought of domestic abuse as physical violence, and we have all learnt through our own experiences that it means so much more and causes so much misery to so many women. I hope that one day this will change. Sending you love and strength xx

    • #128831
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @gazebo, nope I really dont think I love my hubby and I hate slending time with him as im so on edge all the time. You are most certainly not alone. Sending you hugs x

    • #128842
      Bettertimesahead
      Participant

      I definitely didn’t love mine. He’d chipped away at it year on year. Yet I still covered up for him, tried to deal with it until the final breaking point. It’s so difficult, I still now haven’t fully accepted it was abuse, but regardless of what it was I wasn’t happy, wasn’t respected and I deserved to be treated as a person not the wife, sex object etc. You deserve to be happy.

    • #129021
      soxy
      Participant

      Hindsight is a wonderful thing and we just didn’t know, like secretlife said, most of us thought of domestic abuse as physical violence and I guess it’s only recently that the law in this country has accepted coercive control is abuse. It’s so easy to beat ourselves up for not noticing or why didn’t we do this or that and why not sooner. I watched a really helpful YouTube video and they were saying this about forgiving ourselves for what we didn’t understand then for what we know now. I liked that, because it’s easy to beat ourselves up, but we didn’t understand. Maybe instead of beating ourselves up for what hasn’t happened, we can look forward at what we can control. I’m so pleased you have a job and can get out of the house. I don’t know how your finances work, but definitely make sure you put some aside for yourself, get a bit of savings going. Take care and stay safe x

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