Keep crying

[Eve1]

I’m having a few bad days at the moment. I posted a bit back about my job and feeling bad because of how a couple of people had treated me. I handed my notice in (detail removed by moderator), it was a bit of a knee jerk reaction but I just couldn’t take it, I’m at the same place, large public ‘institution’, doing (detail removed by moderator), but it’s all really shaken me up. Coupled with ex stopping maintenance because child stopped full time education I’m back in a bad financial place. And the only work I can do is admin, I’m well into (detail removed by moderator), with no financial security (tears starting again at this fact/ thought). And again this week, I’ve been sat next to a woman who I can’t connect work and I have the prospect of doing it next week too. I haven’t got time to go through it all now, but I feel she thinks I’m needy and have to ask a lot of questions.

I’m trying to set up counselling for myself to try to help with this lack of self worth it whatever it is.

I’ll try to be back later.

Eve

[fizzylem]

Hey Eve, my savings are well and truly gone now and I have no work, no financial security and in ill health caring for a child, so feel this is all I can manage, but, I’m thinking I will either manage or do better than manage once things settle, if things were normal then I’m pretty sure I could manage some part time work at home. I’m also (detail removed by moderator) for now and my child has low self esteem and emotional difficulties due to dad.

It’s rubbish with little to no money for sure, life is much sweeter when we have money for holidays, days out and eating out if we feel, and I can see in reality this period of my life is probably going to take me a number of years to recover from financially now.

So I take the view my financial situation is just that, my current financial situation – it needs managing whether I have funds or not; its only when I don’t have money for a bill or that unforseen spend that it hits me, but I can usually manage to get by. Just means I have to keep a closer eye on it than I did when I was working and be frugle. I think because I frame it this way in my mind I can honestly say it doesn’t stress me out in the slightest.

Can he stop child support then if the child isn’t in school? Never heard of this before. My ex will think this is great if he finds out. Not that we get much anyway but like you say when you dont have much this ‘bit’ makes the difference. I would say if your child is part time you need more child support really as the child is eating more meals at home and needs other activities instead of school. Have you gone through CMA for it? Maybe the time, especially if dad has a job.

Its tough now but things will improve as you heal and feel more able again – for sure. This is one of the low points for now, you will recover x

[fizzylem]

Crying is good, cry and cry until you cant cry anymore, get it all out, but do pull in all your support. It is our friends, family and the professionals that get us through these difficults times; cup us so that we can fall and lean on them for a short time, it can feel difficult to ask for help, but when we do and it is given it leaves us feeling love, support and appreciation and this feels pretty dam good x

[Eve1]

Hi fizzylem,

Thanks. Child is a teen and towards the end of the year (trying to be vague) he would stop paying anyway as she will be of that age. She gave up A levels and is not in education and so the rule is(as I can tell, can never get through to cma)) he does not have to pay.

I’ve been away from ex for many, many years but this just brings up another round of going over how I didn’t manage to keep the house and that was my only chance of security. I’m not sure why I’m melting down so often at work because of these women who I perceive as ignoring or being rude or just horrible to me but I’ve signed up for Insight counselling (2 month waiting list, however) to hello me look at it. I’ve been looking a bit at emotional flashbacks caused by cptsd, which I can see applies to my child, but perhaps this applies to me too. Certainly having no money because of domestic abuse is a long lasting effect of that abuse.

Eve

[Eve1]

Wrote a bit more but it seemed to get cut off!

I think you’re right about crying. There’s a feeling of calm afterwards. I don’t feel I have a lit of support around, so hopefully the counselling will help.

You’re doing a really good job, managing your life and not getting stressed. I admire that a lot. And I’m grateful you gave me some of your lovely compassion. Means a lot.

Thanks

love
Eve

[fizzylem]

Got yer. I was surfing youtube last night and found some stuff on being an empath; might help you make some sense? Put in empath and the n********t: the dark fairy tale. May or may not help, it spoke to me, could never understand why at the time when I was with him I felt so bad about myself when I am nothing but loving and kind to him and everyone else, can see it all though now years later, never was me was it. It said that empaths make the worst partners for the N because we are so giving and empathetic, that because we take care of others, its vital we also protect the self as well as this leaves us more vulnerable to hurt. Also that today there are more and more entitled individuals than ever before, but we need more resiliant, self protecting, empaths in the world.

Suppose in life we can avoid people like these at work, but not at work hey; but they can make our working lives miserable. I think after abuse we don’t tolerate this folk anymore, is it possible if you were feeling a bit better you might be able to manage it? As I say I havent worked for a while now, not sure I could deal with this either tbh, think I’d have to walk, but then we need money to live hey; this in part is why I’m going to try and work for myself, no risk of any drama.

Ive been out for years too but have still been dealing with him because he has PR, hoping this will come to end v soon now, now she’d older. Yup, will take a while to recover financially for sure.

Good to read you’re getting some counselling; hope it helps, make sure the counsellor is right for you and you’ll get a lot out of it; sometimes a miss match occurs and people can think therapy is not for me, when it’s more that the therapist wasn’t quite right for them. British Association of counselling and psychotherapy has a guide on how to choose your therapist, gives you the questions you need to ask. If it’s complex trauma then you definately need someone with no less than 7 years experience of working with trauma and domestic abuse. Spend a bit of time at the begining making sure you’re with the right therapist and this will pay you dividends, sometimes we wait for so long we go with what we’re given staright away oit of sheer desperation, but you can’t rush this, needs to be right for you if it’s going to help x

[lover of no contact]

Hi Eve,

I can really relate to you about the financial abuse and dealing with the aftermath and then bein affected by others negative tones towards us and looks and ways of speaking that can bring us down. How I cope is by coming on here daily; it keeps me strong with any bully tendencies from my work colleagues. I’ve definitely got stronger in that respect. As regards the lack of money, I’ve been watching a lot of “low-buy” for a year videos and the minimalist videos. They are helping me. I’m also trying to practice “Gratitude” for this month. I’m reading a fab book called “Magic” by Rhonda Byrne atm. She has chapters on finances which I’m going to practice. For this month every morning I’m writing down 10 blessings. And in the evening what’s the best thing that happened in the day. The tool if gratitude is really helping my mindset. And me too I’m about to have my family home repossessed in the next while. He made sure if that my abuser did. He’d rather the bank get my share of the equity (interest rates etc) than me get a penny meanwhile he’s stashing money away. But I can’t control him and his bad actions but I’m not going to let him stop me thriving in life and being grateful for the small things. But I couldn’t have this mindset without reading the posts on here and other support.

So keep posting Eve and reading the posts. Onwards and upwards.

[Eve1]

Thank you both. So much of use in your replies. I will definitely use your suggestions.

xx

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