keep getting close to leaving

[hkaisngkq]

I have written on this forum before but I am completely numb at this point, strangely his fits of rage are getting less frequent but I feel I have just shut down completely to survive it, I feel bad as he can be so kind and nice but I can’t forget the times he calls me a fat c**t or the times he would push me around, spit on me. I tried to leave (detail removed by Moderator) but he confused me saying (detail removed by Moderator) as he says he is trying so I don’t know if it’s my fault. I told him I can’t picture my forever partner being someone that calls me such vile names and gets so angry with me but he said it’s normal as I wind him up so it would be the same for me in another relationship, I try so hard to work up the courage to leave but every time he says things that confuse me and make me doubt everything , I just wonder if I will ever leave, just feeling so lost and alone

[Sad and alone]

You’re not alone feeling this way. I am the same, when he’s nice and everything feels like it might be going okay it catches you off guard when they flip and you question what is even real anymore. Like you I try to move forward in the hopes this is the time it finally gets better but it’s hard to do that when you have a memory full of nasty incidents.
I am also told I won’t find anyone else like him, everyone else is a waste of time. The thought of eventually leaving and ending up with someone the same is awful but he’s just telling you that as he’s trying to convince you his behaviour or normal, which it isn’t. It’s not fair. Same again, getting the blame, it’s my fault for winding him up. I drive him to it. It’s the same old bs but for some reason it’s hard to pack up and go isn’t it?! I don’t know if I ever will. But like you imagine years ahead just being unhappy. We can only shut down and shut out the hurt so much before it starts to damage us.
Just wanted to say you’re not alone with feeling this way.

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