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Dear Better Days,
This is a completely normal reaction. You are doing amazingly well, building your independent & positive life for you and your children. I will tell you what emotions that I had when I split from my ex. I ended it as I did not like the way that he treated me. He made me feel so awful, nervous, frightened, robbed of money, ugly, fat, confused and that I was going down the road of being sectioned. It was the most awful experience that I ever had. So i finished with them. You would think thats all good and its all then hunky dory. I can say that during the time that I finished with him to now, i will start with the good first………………… I’m now mainly happy most days, i have times where I feel so completely content with my life, I feel like I am getting my life back, once or twice I have had a good belly laugh where someone has told me a joke, I spent most evenings alone, but I have a deep inner personal happiness and contentment with that, people have told me that I look happy. I still have a few difficulties, but I would say i’m now almost over the trauma bonding. Now to the not so nice stuff…………………. During the time that I split from him up until now I have at times felt so obsessed, I could not stop thinking about him and it, normally for 97% of each and every day and every single night I would dream about him and it. I desperatly wanted the thoughts to stop coming into my head but they wouldn’t, they just kept coming. I missed him so deeply and terribly it truly felt like a massive whole in my heart, that my insides had been ripped from my body and I was empty, something big was missing. I have cried and been in so much deep pain and turmoil. I have broken No Contact with him once, of which i now regret but I feel that I needed to do that as it gave me some closure. I would sit and look at my phone and email account to see if he had contacted me, I would not stop checking. And then I would block him so that he couldn’t contact me. It was all crazyness. I had very very few happy days and probably needed to take anti depressants at that point. Those are the feelings that I felt, it was trauma bonding.
But Better Days, i’m almost through now. Through it and free, almost got my lovely free life back and have learnt so many valuable lessons. What got me through right at the very beginning was a bit of counselling, though I paid for that. Reading so much, all of the HG Tudor books i love, and the Covert Manipluation Tactics. Baring your soul, thoughts and feelings on here as much as you possibly can. And take one day, even one minute or hour at a time. Each day you are not contacting him you are building up a thicker protective layer around yourself. I like the website Distress Tolerance, that helped me, aswell as my special verse “Love your Suffering” by Hermann Hessee. Dont forget how much a lovely and special woman that you are and nobody should tell you otherwise. XXXXXXXXXXX
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betterdays,
I think you’re finding it hard because of seeing him in the car and that triggered you. Its hard I know. It always set me back after the sighting of him in the car. The pining, the longing. It is so very hard but you will get through this. There’s pain eitherway, whether you go back to him (which contacting him might lead to) or whether you stay away (pain you’re experiencing now) but at least the pain you’re experiencing now will give way to happiness and a peaceful abuse-free life. But contact with him will only lead to a quick fix to your longing and pain and then the pain will never end and may cost you your mental health (not to mention your life). And remember how mean he is to your boys, the put-downs and criticisms. Contact with him will lead to more emotional abuse for your boys.
Hang on in there as Healthyarchive said she is feeling much better and she’s not that long out(of the abusive relationship).
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Dear Better Days, him and all of his family and your surrounding environment are damaging and negative to you and your special boys. On here and through other ways you can get positive input and reinforcement. Try to block all of the badness out and immerse yourself in the goodness, your current space from him, take some good care of yourself. Read lots of books and spend time with your lovely boys. XXXX
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Dear Better Days, some things that I found really helping during the period of No Contact are;:
Really sharing your thoughts, feelings and fears on here
Reading No Contact by HG Tudor
Taking the advice from the women on here
Taking one hour, day or week at a time. Maybe even one minute at a time. I made a list where I would tick off each day
Look at Distress Tolerance on the internet
Reading all that you can about abuse, there are many many books available online
This is a book that I love, “Living Alone & Loving It” by Barbara Feldon
Looking at some positive quotations, M Scott Peck and Hermann Hessee are my favourites
Try and get the book “Guide for the Advanced Soul” by Susan Hayward
If you can do something drastic for yourself when you are feeling bad i.e maybe look into a personal training, develop a new hobby, something small but not what you would normally do. The idea of this is that it will get you out, widen your world to include something positive away from the abuse and make you feel better
Treat yourself nicely, buy yourself something nice, even the smallest thing can helpWhen I have problems or difficulties I put up inspirational quotations around the house so that I can see them wherever I go, these make me feel happier and balance out the situation.
Your are doing so well Better Days XXXXX
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