23rd November 2016 at 2:24 pm #32903
I’ve been having a think about creating lies to control events / reactions in relation to this strange habit my ex had (maybe still has) of concealing me from other people in his life.
He didn’t add me on FB until about (detail removed by Moderator) into our relationship. It sounds trivial, he’d say there might be things on there that would upset me, and certain people he wants to keep me hidden from. He did give me the choice to add him in the beginning, but said that he found adding people on there generally meant their relationship was negatively affected, just due to the nature of FB.
He talked about several girls who were chasing him, some of them he spent time with on a regular basis. I thought if you were friends you’d tell them your relationship status? But he never did, explaining that he felt people didn’t have a right to know, and that it was enough to tell these girls he wasn’t interested. It seemed reasonable as I’m a private person.
As it was primarily long-distance from the start, he often would refuse to go on video call when he was at home as his family were around. Sometimes I’d try calling him on the phone for a chat and he’d end the call without answering, and get kind of tetchy because it wasn’t the best time as he was at home. He’d only go on video late at night when everyone was asleep, and then when he had his own space. I just found it so weird because he already told his mum he was travelling to see me?
His inner circle of friends knew about me, and when I went over to see him I met more of his family, so I began to feel more integrated.
I believe now that the more he was lying to me, the more he had to try to separate me from people he knew, and I feel like he was actively trying to antagonise me towards his family and some of his friends so that I wouldn’t contact them. The cracks might have started to show when I contacted his dad to chase my partner up about the flat we were supposedly moving into (this was the first time his dad heard about the flat), and there’s a friend of his I’ve messaged quite often – we both caught him out in a lie and he reacted really badly to it. Then some time later he said he didn’t feel that me and his friend should talk to each other, in some way accusing me of not liking the friend.
He is currently giving this friend the cold shoulder, and I don’t know if it’s because they see through him more than others.
I always wondered why he wasn’t expressive about me on social media, like I asked him why he was more public with his ex-girlfriend than me, but he just said he was a different person back then. His activity on FB completely diminished when I finally added him on there; I always felt there was a correlation but he kept denying it. Now he’s gone and erased a whole ton of pictures, including ones I’ve been tagged in by his family members. He’s just swiped the lot, I don’t know why.
I’m just beginning to wonder if he intended to isolate me from the people on his side so I’d be more in the dark, and more likely to believe his lies. As time went on I was more and more distrustful of people, and would turn to him for reassurance / guidance.
23rd November 2016 at 3:26 pm #32909HealthyarchiveBlocked
Hi there, in the Freedom Programme we talk about recognizing that feeling,inkling or worry that you have & using that feeling as your guide. Your feeling was doubt & worry about your ex,s honesty & fidelity. To pay attention to that feeling and use it as your warning sign. I did not trust me ex hardly at all but I stuffed that feeling down as I believed I was the problem. My ex had 3 Or 4 women who were more than friends & added me to FB (detail removed by Moderator) after we started going out. I have a feeling now he might have been seeing somebody else at the same time as me,it ended with her, he then made me public. At the end of the day he has lost out as he no longer has me & what I offered,good riddance to the lying cheat.
23rd November 2016 at 5:44 pm #32923
I was the same, I found it really difficult to trust him but eventually felt that I was being paranoid and even jealous. x
24th November 2016 at 10:27 am #32974runnerParticipant
I can sort of relate my oh had said he took himself off a social network site as lots of girls wanted to add him. I made him a profile but if he said no I would have also understood this. Its sad that we judge our partners on not addind us on a social network site
But it also makes you more suspicious.
When you say he is hiding you away, do you know any of his friends?
DO you know how he is when he is amoungst other people?
Is it to do with thier culture?
Consider these and see if the answers to these questions help you.
24th November 2016 at 2:32 pm #32984
We’re from similar cultures so I’m not sure it’s that. I know a few of his friends but I only talk to one of them on a personal level, and towards the end he didn’t seem very happy that we were in contact, as we were both noticing discrepancies in the things he said or did when around the friend vs. around me. He definitely puts up a front for other people, and interestingly my ex had told this friend he was putting up a front for our relationship some time ago, so I’m not sure what to make of that. It’s not just the social media side of things, it’s just this general sense of keeping me separate from the rest of his life rather than blending me into it if that makes sense.
23rd November 2016 at 3:29 pm #32910SerenityParticipant
My ex kept his life outside of the house secret. He’s not on social media at all: I think he likes secrecy.
What you describe would be typical of an abuser, trying to isolate you from others so he had control of you. Abusers notoriously have a crossover in relationships. He might even have told others lies later on to keep them away from you. I am sure that some friends saw through him: my ex regularly changed friends, as those around him saw him him for who he really was. He tended to change circle every 3 years or so, whereas I have friends going back years. I thought this was because he got bored, but maybe people began seeing him for who he was after a while.
His lies might have started conflicting with different people- remember, they are chameleons, putting on different masks for different people- and he may have found FB didn’t give him the secrecy he desired.
23rd November 2016 at 5:50 pm #32925
He kept his social life more or less concealed from me as well, but it would depend on who he was spending his time with. Even then, as I recently discovered, he would tell me a different version of events compared to how he had behaved, what happened, etc.
The friendship circle thing is interesting, as I noticed how some people he was previously close to just seemed to drop off the radar. He seems to be currently ignoring the two close friends I am aware of. I don’t know anymore who he spends his time with, although he’s worked hard to give off the impression he’s a bit of a lone wolf and introverted (like me, I’m not sure if he tried to mirror me here).
From the start I noticed he had different faces for different people. It never sat well with me.
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