1st June 2021 at 8:34 am #126513
Kinda struggling and it’s setting me back to the point that I’m numbing the pain inside.
Husband Been gone (detail removed by moderator) months, awaiting court and he’s still being very difficult And controlling and just really selfish. He gets to come home to see kids now and again but luckily he barely does that but it’s sad for kids, he’s now a telephone dad. He says he don’t try cos they don’t seem to bother with him. Oh well may as well just give up on them then 🙄
That being said they are driving me crazy. My son says I yell all the time 0 to 100 but this is so not true and I know it isn’t cos I can’t take conflict or noise anymore. He’s (detail removed by moderator) and shouts at me and I dunno, I struggle with it. He does nothing and if I tell him to do something and he says ok ok ok just to shut me up then I go back and it’s not done and if I complain the slightest way he says I’m yelling. My daughter also (detail removed by moderator) tells me to just leave him to calm but I know she’s doing it too stop me bothering her brother. All I’m asking is him to tidy his room or something. She also snaps at me if I look at her, honestly it’s a nightmare. I have zero authority, they have zero respect. They call their dad to tell on me all the time then he starts on me and I said what was happening and he said….I don’t need this.. then hung up on me. It drove me to the shop and I got the biggest bottle of wine I could find. I wanna run away. There’s also things going on at school. Also waiting for date. Anyone relate? I feel they bully me, tell me things that I done that I know I didn’t but now I’m not sure but I think I didn’t
1st June 2021 at 8:21 pm #126534LisaMain Moderator
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through all this; it sounds like an incredibly difficult situation and it’s completely understandable why you’d find it all so upsetting.
Do you have any support in place? You were in touch with your local Women’s Aid before- do they have any parenting support available? Or young people’s support your children could access? They may also be able to give you some legal advice around the child contact.
There’s also Gingerbread who support single parent families and may also be able to give you some good practical help with how to manage their behaviour.
Please stay strong with all of this; you’ve come such a long way with everything.
Keep posting for support,
3rd June 2021 at 2:30 pm #126621Living WarriorParticipant
hi lovely, i am sorry you are going through this.
I am unsure of your children’s ages, but im guessing that they are older from the back chat you discribe.
i have children primary school aged. I may be very wrong here, but could it be they are projecting their anger, or using what they have seen their dad do?
my children went through fazes, both of them at different times went through a faze where they acted out things they had seen their dad do… they would refuse to do things, shout and show me no respect, talk to me as if i was stupid. etc etc.
It is hard enough battling “him” through day to day stuff, and courts, without dealing with them too, i feel your pain.
These men, dont see children of any age as their children, just belongings, i have found out through my own experiences and those of other survivors that 9/10 they dont give a **** and just use these children to make us feel worse, dragging it through court time after time, and use the kids to make our lives worse when they do have contact- its like they are brainwashing them to be a “mini-me” version of themselves, its disgusting tbh.
i have experience in this and send my love and strength.
get intouch with your local womens aid, as they can support you.
3rd June 2021 at 6:37 pm #126626
Thank you, your exactly correct. They are both (detail removed by moderator). My link worker says it sounds like they are continuing the abuse. One of them was his side kick but he manipulated both. He’s used them to hurt me to the point of saying he will put them in care cos it will hurt me. I’m almost in shock at how he’s being yet I shouldn’t be after everything that he’s done. He only thinks about himself. I wish I could describe what’s happened now but now I can’t in public forum. Sometimes I just don’t feel strong enough and tidy is one of them days. Everything you said is true. My son (detail removed by moderator) and I dunno I do feel scared at times when he shouts at me.
6th June 2021 at 6:46 pm #126748Living WarriorParticipant
It’s only natural, I struggle in situations of confrontation.. I am a bright and strong woman, but I turn mute in those situations… even when it comes to “i”statements… not blaming with the you did this, you did that. I feel this when this happens.
It’s really difficult with kids.. I wish I had the answer tbh.. would help me too lol
6th June 2021 at 9:56 pm #126757
Yeah they are just evil… today I’ve had nothing but verbal abuse and stress. He’s forgotten what he’s done or is all fake and he never did know what he done. My brain feels paralysed just now. I’ve reported what he’s done this weekend
7th June 2021 at 11:01 am #126780FlutterShyParticipant
Hello lovely, I can relate to what you are saying re the zero authority and zero respect. I get the feeling your children are older than mine (mine are younger end of primary school age children). I left for the (detail removed by Moderator) and last time fairly recently and my kids have been awful. They sound like little agents of their father and it’s upsetting me so much – one is worse than the other. I also feel like the abuse and bullying is continuing. Today I’ve been punched, kicked, had things thrown at me, verbally abused when all I wanted to do was get them to school on time. But, they’ve been brought up in an abusive relationship and they’ve learnt it’s ok to talk to their mum bad, call her names and be violent. There is no contact between me and their dad and I think the no contact is upsetting them. They want me to send messages from them but I’m not going to do that (don’t want his name popping up on my phone equally as much as I don’t want to explain to them he hasn’t responded). I’ve been advised to ignore the bad behaviour, reward the good and remain calm. Easier said than done but I’m getting better at it.
7th June 2021 at 2:18 pm #126809
Yeah mine are high school age, one is also worse than the other and the worse one was my husbands side kick and his go to. School runs are a nightmare, I know they should understand a bit and are down up enough to be good but I dunno nothing I do is good enough. Its so bad he let’s kids down, it’s just the worst. I’m so proud of you getting better at it, it’s so hard when we have our emotions and trauma, then looking after kids and bills and everything that comes with it all. Thanks for your message I know its a comfort that I’m not alone but sad others go thru this too. It hurts so bad when our kids treat us like this, even though it’s not their fault it still hurts. They have us though and we are strong and still continue to be strong and get support when we need it from those who understand. Thank you
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