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So I feel very emotionally divorced from him as time goes on & ready to ask him to leave. I had a frank discussion about things with my kids & asked them how they feel when things are bad at home. My youngest expressed that she’s scared & sad but the most heartbreaking thing she said was “and I always worry that daddy will leave again”. (Iv gotten out before then relapsed a number of times.) I don’t want to break my little ones heart when I know I can’t stay with her father. The last time I asked him to leave over a year ago she literally was a small ball of grief. One of the reasons I went back actually as it seemed too heartbreaking for her. How will I cope with it this time? What has anyone else done to help their kids through the worst beginning bit?
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I’m going through a very similar thing at the moment and wondering how to get my boys through everything once it’s properly over . I cannot carry on the way things are but really don’t want the kids upset over everything . Sorry to be of no help really but I do understand
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I’ve come out the other side off this. I’m not sure if this will help? I’m not going to lie at first all my little one could see say is where’s daddy? Not sure how old your kids are mines was young. This was hard and as she got older I was able to properly answer her. I told her I had to take this decision because I have to do my best for you and please trust me. I didn’t do this blindly I’ve read around this subject for a few years now I’ve looked at the research also. When men are abusing a child’s mother they know something is not right. You think they don’t but they do. Kids are developing their attachment bonds at an early age. They learn about negative attachments from abusive men/father’s. It’s not nice to face but this is proven evidence based. I needed to know I had done the right thing because I was told They need both parents to know who you are and this is true. In this case u have to balance this so keep him around and distort your child’s view of how men treat women or protect them and teach them what is right? Because kids are resilient sand you will be ensuring their future relationships will be healthy and they know when to draw boundaries they will have moral substance
I could go on and on but I also know from experience abusive men undermine the mothers parenting. With that becomes disrespect and disrespect is the soul that abuse grows in. Shelter them and they will stand a better chance later on. I know it’s not easy but it’s best for them to have a happy mum not being abused xx
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i Know it’s easier said than done but you need to try so hard not to feel guilty regards to your child it will be very hard and your child will be very sad but the sadness will fade with my child I noticed copied behaviour from his daddy and I realised to stay with him is more damaging in the long run how can I teach my child what is appropriate way to treat and speak to others when I allow his dad to treat me like that my child was so sad and confused it has only been (detail removed by moderator) from we left and I was honest with my child he understands now this is were we live and that’s where his dad lives it is still very raw and he tries to use my son telling him things that isn’t goin to happen but when my child comes home and says my daddy said this I have to be very honest with him and just explain daddy shouldn’t have told you this as this is incorrect or his dad had made a mistake I explain to him in advance when he will be seeing his daddy so he knows where he stands. I know it is gonna get more difficult as he is playing games regarding contact and stuff with me .but as long as you tell your child you love them very much and that will never change and that something people can be happier not living together than they would be in the same household. You don’t want your child growing up the way you have been treated is ok. What if they end up with someone treating them like the treatment you have had. With me it has taken (detail removed) for the penny to drop. I don’t want my child to grow up the same as his dad and cause (detail removed) of someone else’s life pain.
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I agree that I should’ve been stronger last time. I was reassuring & she was fine when she was with me (she’s in lower years of primary). My eldest (in secondary) wants it to end. She’s very wise for her years & has had enough of it all. It’s heartbreaking all around really. If I had gone with it a year ago by now it would be easier. But my guilt, then coupled with breaking no contact & feeling guilt for the husband (I won’t use MY anymore) sucked me back into the hole & has probably been more confusing for my youngest. (Feeling like a c**p mum over here.)
I just don’t understand the contradictory advice. On the one hand you are supposed to be honest, but on the other you are not supposed to speak badly of the other parent. How can I explain that daddy & mummy love them but daddy ‘bullied’ mummy and that’s not ok. She’s likely to say it back to him, I’ll be accused of poisoning their minds & hell most likely react & say something to her which will cause even more emotional distress to her poor little mind. I just want to protect my children. The scales have fallen irrevocably and I know this marriage is toxic to them. But being honest which then causes more pain just seems unfair. As it is the husband has drummed into her head that “mummy kicked poor daddy out”. If I ask him to leave again that’s what she’ll think so I’ll have to be honest… can you see that my heads going around & around with this 🤦🏼♀️
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Yeh this is the dilemma I had too. You can give your child examples of what good behaviour is in general terms. So people need to treat each other well not make them sad or confused. That kind of thing but don’t mention him directly. I know it’s a fine line we walk and it takes time. Your not a bad mum he is not being the father he should be a dad should be like a buffer between you and your kids sustaining a relationship xx my elder told me at 6 mum u have to leave you can’t let him do this to us, but I didn’t I was probably trauma bonded I think kids are too an extent. Take the reigns and stop feeling guilty this isn’t your fault at the end of the day. A really helpful book is when dad hurts mum it takes you through everything including how to get through to the kids xx
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Don’t feel guilty it will be tough and he will try to blame you, they always do. I have spoken to my child’s teacher at school and he (detail removed by moderator) and the teacher has given me loads of support and I have been open on everything that has gone on and the school has given me so much support and i spoke this week to my child’s teacher and she even said my child is so much more consistent at school when he has been with me but when he has seen his dad he is really unsettled at school. This is the reassurance to me that I made the right choice. Could this be an option that you could speak to your kids teacher. Because the chances are your child’s teacher probly already knows as kids seem to tell there teachers more than we realise. When I first spoke to his teacher she had said to me that my child had mentioned and she put 2 and 2 together he had only been in school for half a day as it was the last day of term so even that was enough time for her to realise, I had spoken to her the first morning he went back to school after half term. It will be very hard but you have to ask yourself the question do you want to be saying to yourself next year again? I wish I had of done it last year. He should feel guilty not you.
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