Kids say they’re struggling now we’ve left

[Chasingrainbows]

Just when it felt like it was the right thing to do, for the best, to improve things for everyone….been separated a few months and my kids now all saying how hard it is to go between 2 houses etc and why did I do it and I’m struggling to explain without explaining!

There was a lot of coercive control, gaslighting, psychological abuse going on, for years, and so they didn’t see it when they were younger. I managed to get him to move out a few years ago (it only lasted a month or so mind you and he moved back in having had a mental health crisis after he left, which I now see and realise was totally victimizing himself for sympathy, and it worked as I was cast as bad for not helping him).

Because he moved back, had councelling, did a perp course etc we thought stuff had changed. Then earlier this year went to councelling together to help, and it started with ‘both people need to take responsibility to improve the relationship’ and he went from ‘it was all me I was wrong and u were a victim’ to ‘it was both of us, you need also to change’ and I finally couldn’t stand it any longer.

But fast forward and this week all my kids have asked me why have I done it, and I don’t want to tell them the real whole truth, as they visit him and I still live in the house we own together and he runs the business we own and my eldest lives mostly with him (because she felt sorry for him and he lapped it up and carried on with his victim story). So I’m feeling bad for them struggling between 2 houses, which is my doing, and it’s suddenly very lonely and I don’t know what to tell them! They’re in their early teens all of them. Right now it feels harder than when we were together and that’s a bit s***.

[AloneWolf]

I just wanted to say that this is not your fault, you did what you had to do because of his abusive behaviour, that’s his fault, not yours. Please don’t blame yourself. You have done the right thing to protect yourself and your children. I can’t really offer any advice on what to say to the children, perhaps the advice line could help you to know what to say to them? Sorry I can’t be more helpful with that. Stay strong xx

[Chasingrainbows]

Thanks Alonewolf. Sometimes I feel like you have to get it all out and have someone say it’s ok, thank you for your message you’re right I am not the bad guy! I reflect a lot on the fact I am lucky to be in the house, I didn’t have to flee and leave my stuff or pets but then it’s hard because there’s no clean break and I’m living where we both lived which is hard. He’s not really been back to get his stuff, but has then ridiculed the bags of bits I’ve dropped off when I’ve taken the kids round his ‘why have u brought me that?’ he’ll say. I just want all his stuff out so it feels more like my home….. we’re selling it eventually but I’ve got to accept that may be some time! He’s in a flat without space for the youngest and then he says he can’t understand why she doesn’t want to stay over night at his. Even as I write this I see how absurd it all is, the stuff he’s saying! Thank you anyway, for reading and validating.

[Polardog]

Firstly you are doing amazingly considering the amount of pressure he is creating with his behaviour. It is hard for young people to understand – and teenagers in particular go through a stage in their development where their brains regress a bit when it comes to empathy for others and so they may find it hard to see it from your point of view. The advice line may be able to help you find the words to explain it all to them.

It feels harder because you did it. You took the steps. And it’s always going to feel harder for a bit at first BUT if you keep sticking with it, it will get easier in time as things change and move forward. I think you’re doing an amazing job balancing being able to be out of that situation and manage your children still having a relationship with their Dad.

[swanlake]

I wonder if your ex is also painting a false picture to the children? You don’t want to explain all the gory details to them but he’s been playing the victim and lapping up sympathy from the children.
The Living With The Dominator book has a chapter on children.
When my parents separated I was glad because my dad was horrible to us children as well as to our mum. So we were scared of him and didn’t mind that he didn’t have a big enough home to stay over. It was an escape from the shouting and everything else.
Your ex’s choice to belittle you in front of the children by moaning about his things that you’ve brought round is more subtle and they won’t understand as much what’s going on.

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