Kisses and hugs

[Mumofcats]

Ok, so I knew the violence was abuse, but it did get less and less over the years. But it has been replaced by emotional, psychological and financial abuse.
Only recently I realised he had r*ped me. My case worker at the organisation put the words on it when I told her something that happened recently.

Now, he is on his best behaviour, and has been for a while. With a bit of wobbles here and there.

However, he keeps hugging me and kissing me. But I don’t want it. So I reject him. But he still does it.
I did initiate intimacy twice. Before the second time, I sensed he was getting bad tempered and he started getting angry with one of the children. I know he often gets irritable after while without intimacy. So I thought that would help, and it did.

Am I giving mixed signals?
Most of the time I really don’t want him to touch me or kiss me. But he doesn’t care and seems to think he’s displaying his love for me.

I’m confused.

[Bananaboat]

No, he can tell you’re not interested and by agreeing reluctantly/not fighting you are surviving. Your brain is recognising the threat and kicking into survival mode to keep you safe – you said yourself you can sense the rage if you say no. This is not the same as acceptance. Plus, there’s a physical & chemical release through touch and sex, you’re allowed to enjoy the act it doesn’t mean you wanted him to initiate it in that way x

[Mumofcats]

Thank you. I find everything so complicated to process sometimes. This and all the other stuff. The gaslighting. I come to doubt my own reality.

[Author]

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