Know I’m doing the right thing for my kids but sometimes i second guess myself

[SingleMomSurvivor]

My abusive ex and I are no longer together and haven’t been for awhile. Kids live with me and see him here and there according to our court agreement. Things have been relatively quiet with my ex here recently. No angry outbursts (at least not in front of me), no crazy messages and he is behaving pretty reasonably. I know however that just because he’s relatively calm & quiet now, it doesn’t mean his abusive tendencies have suddenly disappeared. He’s still the same abusive person I left. I think though that when he is being reasonable and decent towards me it makes me wonder if I should let the kids see him more. He’s not asking for more time with them but I think when he’s being decent it makes me wonder if I’m hurting my kids by not making an effort to let them see him more than what we initially agreed to. I know deep down I am doing the right thing, I guess it’s that when he’s not being completely terrible it’s easy to briefly lose sight of all the harm he’s brought to me. I guess that’s how abusers are though right? They fluctuate between being complete monsters to sweet and charming, and it’s the sweet and charming side that convinces us to overlook all their abuse.

I hope I’m making sense. I have no desire to get back together with him and I know I did the right thing by my kids by limiting their contact with him as much as I could. I just think that sometimes when he’s being decent towards me I wonder if I’m hurting my kids and if I should’ve been more lenient with the amount of time they get to see him.

[Lisa]

Hi SingleMomSurvivor,

Thank you for your post. You are definitely doing the right thing for your kids. You know better than anyone what you went through and what your ex partner is capable of. even if hes on his “best behaviour” at the moment- that could change so if there is a contact agreement that is working for you and the children- best to stick with it.

I understand its easy to second guess and have that mum guilt- but you have your childrens best interests at heart- you all deserve to be safe.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Watersprite]

Hello you have said the answer yourself you know it but part of you is questioning. Isn’t that how we were primed by them to think? Years of manipulation and gaslighting can’t be undone easily. Have compassion for yourself not him he chose to abuse you. Can you take some time this weekend to start hearing and believing your voice once more and drown ‘his voice’ out once more x

[Author]

Posts