9th April 2021 at 2:54 pm #124594
i am writing this post to help educate people who think they may be in an abusive relationship, but are unsure.
this is taken from https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwd.php “living with the dominator” by pat craven.
the dominator- is an abusive man, who wears many hats. he can switch these at any time, but here i list some of their characteristics. you may notice that “he” shows traits of just one CHARACTER, you may find “he” has traits of more than one, “he” may have a few traits of a mixture of them, there is no right or wrong thought here….
they switch up their “act” when they feel vulnerable or when they think their first act isnt working.
THE SEXUAL CONTROLLER- rapes you, wont accept no for an answer, keeps you pregnant OR rejects your advances.
KING OF THE CASTLE- treats you like a slave/servant, says women are for sex/cooking/housework, expects sex on demand, controls all of the money.
THE BAD FATHER-uses the children, says you are a bad mother, turns the children against you, uses access to harass you, threatens to take the children away from you, persuades you to have HIS baby and then refuses to help you take care of it.
THE LIAR-makes the abuse seem “Less” than it was by using the “only” word…he also uses excuses. denies any abuse, says its “only a slap” blames drink/drugs/stress/work/you/unemployment etc
THE PERSUADER- uses coercion and threats, he threatens to hurt or kill you or the children, cries, says he loves you, threatens to kill himself, threatens to report you to social services, benefits agency, etc.
THE HEADWORKER- uses emotional abuse, he puts you down, tells you you’re ugly, fat, too thin, stupid, useless, etc.
THE JAILER- isolates you, he stops you from working/ seeing friends, tells you what to wear, keeps you in the house, seduces your friends and family.
THE BULLY- uses intimidation. he glares, shouts, smashes things, sulks.
these are different traits abusers have, they use these traits to get what they want and up the ante when they are challenged, changing to a different hat to get a better result and eventually if they haven’t done so before using physical violence to control as well.
i hope this is helpful please check out the freedom programme online and the books by pat craven,
9th April 2021 at 8:58 pm #124613[email protected]Participant
i think to be honest my ex was all of these?! i think maybe i was very unlucky xxxx
10th April 2021 at 1:32 am #124617SleepypigeonParticipant
Then I was unlucky to, my ex also had many hats, he ticks nearly all these boxes as well. I think he tried everything to keep control and it worked for so long. Not anymore
10th April 2021 at 8:29 pm #124646
I really am glad that you are both away from these types of men now.
That takes great strength and courage.
7th June 2021 at 1:28 pm #126802
hi ladies, i am just seeing if this can be bumped up or whether i have to repost for newbies.
7th June 2021 at 9:32 pm #126835
Thank you for this post. Today has been a good day and I was actually doubting myself yet again thinking im making this up hes actually lovley. Last week I spent most of my time crying on the bathroom floor. This is all such a totally mind game isnt it? I need to remember that and this post has really helped. Thank you xx
8th June 2021 at 9:25 am #126849
yes, everything these people do is mind games, and control measures, unfortunetly we have to remind ourselves alot. i still do sometimes to.
8th June 2021 at 9:41 am #126850
@livingwarrior I hope you dont mind but can I ask how did you make that decision to leave? Was it one big thing thag just went boom im going or was it a long time thing? Did you plan first or just run? I wanna go I think or do I?
I just dont know how or if I am actually brave enough. Thanks xx
8th June 2021 at 10:10 am #126854SecretlifeParticipant
That’s an interesting question nbumblebee, I would be interested in the answer too. I remember something Darcy said to me on this forum and I feel this is a good measure – when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving xxxx
8th June 2021 at 10:28 am #126855RosemaryParticipant
Hello living warrior
I’ve read your post befor but I never had chance to
comment my partner does most of the things to me what you wrote down there a frew things he dont do but I could tick most of them of the list.
What my partner try to do when his being abusive days later he would buy my chocolates which really does not take all the abuse that his gave me . He dont like me haveing friends elther I would love to go out with my friend she asked me but I am scared if I do he will start to control me its horrible I feel like I am in prison
8th June 2021 at 10:32 am #126856gettingtiredParticipant
Does anyone else feel like they’ve woken up from a bad dream discovering they’ve been abused for years? I’m struggling to get my head around it. I’ve been opening up more to my closest friend about it recently which has helped but I’m trying really hard to stay in reality all of the time. I think there’s a good Dr Ramani video I saw talking about radical acceptance. The problem is, when he’s being ‘normal’ and ‘nice’ I feel like I stray away more from the reality and am lulled into a false sense of security again. It’s so hard. X
8th June 2021 at 2:04 pm #126871
@gettingtired. Every day every b****y day my head spins with the knowledge now I see what he has been doing all these years i am angry at myself for allowing it. I doubt myself every minute of every day its so hard when they are nice.
You are certainly not alone. Big hugs x
8th June 2021 at 2:29 pm #126874gettingtiredParticipant
So does my head! It’s all been on my mind continuously ever since I first joined the forum last year. I feel so upset with myself for getting into this mess but I didn’t have the knowledge I do now.
I definitely underestimated how hard it was to leave though. Still no idea how I’m going to do it as I’m supposed to be moving with him soon. It is comforting to know others understand and are going through the same (even though I wish they weren’t!). X
8th June 2021 at 2:09 pm #126873
Yeh it is all like a bad dream, my relationship lasted years, little tings I let slip until they snow balled and I just thought it was normal.. it was only when in a genuine accidental conversation with another professional about him helping me with kids.. and I mentioned something, They then picked away at the relationship in a such way and explained what it was… I still didn’t believe them..but put my name down for council housing incase I decided to leave I the future, this was because they explained there was ways round being on my own and coping, I realised I wasn’t happy but didn’t think of it as abuse…
It was only when another professional said my child’s behaviour could be special needs but could also be anxiety due to the home situation as they had subtly asked questions too..
That it hit home… it was effecting my children, I thought I was staying for them, so they could have a dad, everyone has arguments, disagreements etc… when They said staying was hurting my kids I decided to make a plan and leave…
It does seem daunting… I won’t lie, it was hard.. the hardest thin I have done.. but I know if I had stayed I wouldn’t be here now to look after my children
8th June 2021 at 2:52 pm #126875
@livingwarrior thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how hard it was and how brave you must have been and still are.
@gettingtired Im the same cant yet imagine a life where im not with him as sad as that life is.
This forum makes me cry, not in a bad way its just amazing yet sad to see so many others going through what we are, I never thought id be one of you never wanted to see it I guess none of us did. Its all so sad so hopeless but then you read someone like @livingwarriors story and you do think for a bit that maybe just maybe theres hope for me yet.
Keep going ladies keep strong big hugs x
8th June 2021 at 11:38 pm #126900SecretlifeParticipant
Thank you Living Warrior for sharing. It is so inspiring to hear how others got out, and found the strength to do it – something I’m struggling with.
Gettingtired – I feel the same as you. I cannot believe I am in this situation. Life is a constant roller-coaster depending on what mood he is in. During the good times he is nice and I can almost forget, but I’ve reached the point now that there is a huge part of me that holds back in preparation for the next emotional battering he will give me at some point – I’m hoping that the more knowledge and understanding of abuse I have will help protect me from hitting the floor quite so hard next time. I will ultimately leave, but getting my head around this, and totally accepting the situation I am in will take time I think. In the meantime, we will support each other. Stay strong ladies x*x
10th June 2021 at 1:17 pm #126962
You are all strong brave ladies, mo matter how you feel about yourself!
It took me years to engage with the fact that it was abuse, but speaking with many survivors I have come to realise that everyone has a breaking point, a point where they say enough is enough! I can only describe it as a switch that gets flicked, and once it has there is no flicking it back, its like the switch controls the ‘rose tinted’ glasses part of our brains, once it has been flicked you see everything clearer, and it makes u stronger… you find the courage, you never thought you had before, I realised that I would leave one way or another… either in a box because he would kill me, or I would have to walk away… so I decided to walk away.
He had a hold over me that I never really fully understood until I left,he controlled everything but he wasn’t going to control how I left this earth.
So I made a safety plan, got my kids and left… and iv never looked back..I joined my local wa and spoke to others… who helped me to make sense of this mess,
Many people I had spoken to go back because they havnt found that switch, they still have partial rosetinted glasses..
We all do what we need to to survive, until we can get out.
Stay strong, stay safe!
10th June 2021 at 5:12 pm #126982PinkypantherParticipant
My ex ticks most of those boxes probably 80-90% and then some extra bits added in. He is still trying now and is trying new tactics aswell mainly centred around the children and him doing everything he can to stop them coming home to me.
I don’t think he will do the things that he says but he’s trying to get me to believe it all so he can regain his power and control but that is not happening. Xx
11th June 2021 at 9:23 am #127023
If you have proof of the threats for example txt messages, you can get a solicitor to put in an emergency prohibited steps order, which stops him taking them out of your care or the care of someone you trust, for example school, it also stops him from not returning them after contact visits.. and names you main carer.
There are many ways to stop contact including getting a non molestation order… this stops him coming to the property and contacting you in any way.
Most of the time these court orders can be done without notice which means he will not know you have applied until the order is in place, and he can be arrested for breaking the orders.. also these orders usually fall under emergency protection orders which of filed for under domestic violence they can be free through legal aid even if you wud usually have to pay.
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