Knowing for certain ??

[Anonymous]

I know this is to some such an obvious thing but I’m just stuck . I’ve been trying to think on exactly vwhst I’m thinking if that makes sense. In a way thinking what’s stopping me.

Amongst the kids being a massive factor but it got me thinking I know for certain if their safety was jeopardised I would in a breath leave . So I’ve been battling with why. What and goodness knows just keeping head together.

And I have realised ( what some probably may already know) but It must be that I can’t truly believe he’s abusive or dangerous else i would so absolutely go. And if all our serious incidents were so often maybe I’d see it’s who he is. Then if I’m looking for his behaviour then I feel awful like I’m not giving him a chance to change.

I have read and learnt so much about abusive behaviour and patterns. I can see cycles I can see being nice is a known tactic but I can’t shut the voice up that says “well he’s being nice because he’s sorry and trying. He’s trying … you’re the cold one etc etc.”

How do you be certain it’s wrong and abuse that warrants upheaval?

I am the one that still stayed with him.. He doesn’t know better it’s me that now is looking into everything.

I read a post today that I could do absolutely have written just now. What if? What if I’m now the abuser emotionally … am I leading the cycle ??? Because I say in my head hurry up and just snap
..

I keep setting myself new bench marks.

Each time though I think that because I’ve allowed the pre ious then it’s entirely a normal thing.

I just don’t know any more. My mental state is suffering I can’t stay on these pills cus I am too moody and groggy when awoken in the night . I can’t. It have my senses about me.

Argh!!! Then I think that’s not normal
?! But is it not normal because I would be like this with anyone ?

Sorry I do know I write too much .. and never move forward or I do but it just goes.

[diymum@1]

from what youve said he has been intimidating and abusive. we tend to play it all down and minimise it all because all we really want is normality especially for our kids xx we see normal life all around us or so it seems and we want that more than most because deep down we know we dont have that! does that make sense ? maybe not but i hope so 🙂 thats how i felt and then were told repeatedly you made me do this! no he controls how he behaves – he chooses not you. we react to them too and thats natural were not saints the resentment i felt for my ex was extreme at times xx so no i dont think we realise these men can actually be dangerous because we sometimes have to see it – to see them take it too far and thats because we are conditioned and we get used to being treated like this by them. i could be thrown across a room the get my jacket on and go off to work like i was happy and everything was ok. all an act but i became very good at putting a face on things. i think we crave what we dont have and so we continually strive for it we dont give up until something stares us straight in the face that we cant handle it any more. something eventually breaks/ gives xxxx if we werent in so much turmoil i think our rational side would walk away sooner xxxx

[Anonymous]

Oh thank you diymum for your reply. It does make sense or rather I can relate to the normal life .. although I do still wonder if my life may be normal . ( I know in my heart it’s not else I wouldn’t be here and questioning but i still wonder if I can make it normal ) my heart broke when you said you could be thrown and carry on the day but I know what you mean.. I truly do. I struggle more since I think I’ve been first on here because now I just think right how’s my chance to say how wrong but nothing’s changed so I actually just walk away in a normal way to just get on with things for kids . I just want to make myself will myself to go but I can’t vecause I see what all you brave ladies have overcome and I can’t overcome that. I really can’t.. I can’t even buy milk without feeling awful
Let alone fully go. I tried in a nice way but he told me how he had never even seen his behaviour as that . He cried etc etc I know cliche but oh I don’t know !!!

[diymum@1]

it took me a life time to get out – this is the hardest thing to do. you put the kids first- if hes gone how do you go to work? how do you survive on your own? what will my friends think – i felt like such a failure and very vulnerable. i couldnt end things either because i always caved in, then he left me – just dropped me like i was nothing after i felt so so sorry for him too – i though he had depression. when he left i was round his heels begging him to stay but no – i was physically sick when i heard his car pulled away, he took control as usual of the situation and i new that was it. it was the best thing he ever did. i had one week alone to sort myself out and i was breaking down and he tried to come back. in that one week as it drew in i found my strength – people started to get in touch i felt a glimmer of hope and i said no he wuldnt come back now i was done. dont get me wrong it was a struggle to get rid of him in the end but from that day on ive gone strength to strength – you end up doing so many things you never dreamed you would do – i had nights out i went surfing!! lol the trauma bonding is there to begin with but as time passes it eases xxxx i know this sounds like a feat but i am the most unsteady,wobbly,vulnerable human being you might ever meet but i did eventually make the change and so will you – i needed a shuv lol take care much love diymum

[diymum@1]

what you have to remind yourself is you have back bone to withstand this and bring up kids xx someone said that to me once when they found out i was in an abusive relationship – i didnt believe her at the time all off us women do though – you definitely do too 🙂 xxxx

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for sharing what happened when it began of not having him there.
And for what you have said about having backbone to withstand that someone said to you.. I honestly feel like I have no backbone. In fact I can even hear the words in my head how spineless I am .

I’m no longer sure if these are words of him , others, or just my inner critic.

Surfing and nights out sounds like a foreign wonderful land! So glad that things are going from strength to strength I have such admiration for you.
X

[diymum@1]

but i felt exactly the same – i felt hopeless too but in time things will change – everything evolves – everything xxxx 🙂

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