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    • #10842
      Confused123
      Participant

      My life is just like a repeat cycle , again last night eldest didn’t get his way to go bk to home town so thought would tAke things to sell , when challenged threatened to hurt me. Told him end result would be is get hurt and still have consequences to face , in end had to call a family member to support me , who was brill , together we sat him down and said me telling him his behaviour is wrong doesn’t mean I’m
      Giving up on him , u try to guide these kids so much to deal with effects of Abuse they left with , is so hard was even Saying to him j think u doing this to see consequence which will be really bad , but u don’t realise how bad those consequences r, am so tired this morning , just needed to get it out. Will post more later

    • #10843
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hang in there, Confused.

      It is great that you had a family member there to support you.

      Your eldest is hurting and angry, he has been hurt but is also being negatively influenced by his dad’s behaviour. He is also testing you to see how far he can push things and testing your love for him.

      At the same time, it is very important that he learns the right way and that he treats you correctly.

      He will probably continue to try to create mayhem in the near future every so often! It’s part of him working things out.

      You did exactly the right thing in calling in your support system ( so he knows you aren’t vulnerable and alone, and that his behaviour won’t be kept secret); and explaining that in life, one’s actions have consequences.

      It will be a long haul getting our kids through this mess. But one thing I keep telling myself is, there is a time limit to this. One day, our kids will be off on their own, married maybe, working away… They will be adults and it won’t be our place to be completely responsible for them. At least then we can look back and have a clear conscience and easy heart and be at peace that we did our best for our kids.

      This eventual peace will be our reward for all the strife now. Our abusers – who abused or abandoned their families- will never have that restful heart. They might try to convince themselves that they did no
      wrong, but under it all there will be that painful truth that they failed their families and did great wrongs.

      I know who I would rather be.

      X*x

    • #10844
      Confused123
      Participant

      Thxs for lengthy reply Hun , I know I’m
      Trying so hard to hang in there as I just feel it wasn’t his fault he had to see abuse and has been left emotional damage like this , just feel for my youngest who has to see this all again. These abusers leaves us and our kids emotionally scarred , and leave us to repair the damage , I constantly try to provide support so he can deal with issues and can only hope the constant message sinks in , last night he was just like would rather go to jail then be here , was trying to explain u could but that wouldn’t be answer to his problems , maybe his struggling to cope with emotions , he has counselling tonight but after I am going to be talking with him
      About his behaviour , was so proud cause yesterday got offered apprentice trial , he just had to go and spoil it by behaving that way , also effect this is having on my youngest is on my head , just want to support them both not sure if poss , I hope by getting eldest support youngest doesn’t give up and follow his brother too , gosh then I’d have two monsters 😱 So hardworking out right solution , if I give up on eldest and let him
      Go to social I reckon his life would get worser , even jail I think wouldnt teach lesson just make him more angry , but if I keep offering support he may have chance of changing but then will impact on youngest … Any tips

    • #10845
      Serenity
      Participant

      Would he engage in something like boxing or some sport like this?

      This would be a way of getting out his pent up aggression, keeping fit and healthy, but it would also teach him discipline and a sense of pride and achievement?

      Could you call the Prince’s Trust and ask for advice?

      Sometimes, we need to call upon the goodness within society, the positive people and positive groups out there, to help is and to help our children reconnect with society in a positive way which is also satisfying for our kids, following the experience of living with an abuser.

      Please don’t take on his guilt. I know that as mums we feel so bad that our kids ended up experiencing what they did. But we were trying to salvage a sense of family for our kids. The guilt is all the abuser’s. They managed to trap us and make it seem impossible to leave. And we were worried about what hurt divorce or separation would cause to our kids. It’s not that easy to up and leave.

      You are a great mum and are so brave. Carry on doing what you are doing xxxx

    • #10850
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hmm , but my scenario now is youngest is keep saying he doesn’t want him to live with us, i keep saying he is my responsbility till 18 and cant just throw him on streets as no one else will take him in but he sees it as i’m not protecting him then, he wont do kick boxing have suggested before, wants to join gym but i keep saying till u do something positive im not doing and am trying to encourage him to work and pay for himself, his on three week trial , im hoping he passes then will start getting income , i know its bad to say but its just stress arranging funds for him to go to apprentice in terms of weekly railway card , gonna look on weekend whats best option weekly or monthly, but with monthly even though i save money i lose out if he changes his mind and gives up , wish i knew which agencies to approach to deal with him

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