Last day with my best friend

[shine bright 2]

So gutted and so upset. I can’t even tell my best friend we are going. I don’t know if I can do this. I just want to say good bye to people. Is this with it? They ask me to give up everything. I lose…he gains. He gets out of prison and gets his freedom back and I lose mine. I had so long free of him…not needing to cut myself, not looking at scars everyday and reliving…life is different, but I can’t keep it this way. As I think about him getting out I can only think about cutting myself up. If I slice myself up he won’t want me. He won’t want to touch me…(detail removed by moderator) keep u safe but then u lose everything u had.

[Confused123]

hun

i know its hard but there is a reason u have to stay quiet about leaving, dont cut yourself, look at all the progress you have made so far, yes we have to lose a lot, but u can rebuild again, have faith in yourself

[KIP.]

You can do this. You’re not losing, you’re gaining. Gaining a new good fresh start. A safe place. Keep imagining the positive side. Change is a good thing. Friends come and go. Move jobs, move countries. You have your own family unit now and no one to ruin that. Make it new and exciting. Change your thought pattern. This is the painful breaking of the cocoon. Imagine those colourful 🦋 🦋 🦋 butterflies. Your friend would want the best for you. No more self harming. You’re stronger than that x

[KIP.]

Hey, I forgot to say, you have many friends on here. We all journey together. Always here for you x

[shine bright 2]

Thanks 😊 I just feel so down. I know deep down its probably the right thing to do. He may yet end up spending longer in prison because of other things. It’s just scarey leaving everything we know…the place I grew up. On the one hand it makes me so sad…losing memories of childhood and friends but at the the same time it underlines my freedom. This is the place where I was pressurised I to marrying somone because I spent time with them and where he did terrible things.

It’s taken me so long to be able to talk to ISVA and others. Final there are people I trust enough to talk to and now I will lose that.

The kids are tearful cos they know we are going. They only know this area where people are the same background as them. I hope I am.making the right decision. My mind is constantly torn in two because sometimes I still think maybe he changed in prison maybe he could be a good dad, maybe he could be normal, maybe we could make everyone happy.

I know we his is probably not reality and that maybe next time he will hit me So hard I die or that if he rapes me again he could do more harm.or make me pregnant..so we have to leave…but a it’s all going round my head.

I got over the idea that I need to punish myself but the fear is making me want to back to my old habit.

[KIP.]

Hey, it’s good and positive that you are now rationalising your behaviour. In the past it was just overwhelming panic. Have you asked to write a victim impact statement for the court. I would do that and ask for more jail time. He has not changed. You are in (detail removed by moderator) because he is a very serious danger to you and nothing will ever change that. The authorities recognise this otherwise you would not be getting all this help. Embrace it and stay safe x

[shine bright 2]

He’s potentially facing charges for other crimes, but might be out before that happens. You are right KIP and I do appreciate that I’m lucky. I’m being given the opportunity to get away…not something that everyone gets. It’s just lonely right now. Three years ago I had masses of family and extended family and a sense of identity. Lots of the just disowned me as soon as I spoke up. It was so hurtful. The people who said go back to your husband…even when they knew what he did. That hurt more than any blow he dealt me.

I have no doubt there were people who knew what he was before I married him…but to them.it was better to let me suffer than have then shame of rumours about us.

Sometimes I feel like I can get handle this amount of change. I want to crawl back into niqab and hide away. I never had to make decisions. Everything was decided for me. He even used to tell me what side to sleep on and how long I could sleep. He told me when I could go to bed and who I could see. I wasn’t allowed to shake hands with a man..even my kids teachers .. but I didn’t have the agony of making good decision s for myself. In some ways that feels.safer.
I’m scared I’m going to let my kids down….that I’m going to make a wrong decisions. I moved from my parents home to his home. Now I’m on my own and I have been for a while..we have muddled through. Now I’m going to be even more alone.

I’m not complaining. Every day I thank God that I am away from him. Some days I can still feel the physical pain of the things he did, but things feel so rapid. I dealt more with female police officers and now there are all these macho witness protection guys who I am supposed to trust my life to.

I’m so afraid.

[KIP.]

you have made the right decisions this far. Escaping, keeping your kids safe, accepting help, dealing with your mental health etc etc. Every day you make good decisions and choices. I used to think I felt lonely but I never felt so alone as I did when I was trapped with him. Such despair. Start with baby steps again. In a few months time you will be spending summer days safe with your kids. Then by next Xmas you will all be settled. New friends, clubs, neighbors. Hang in there x

[Daisy]

You can do it Shinebright, you are changing things for your children as well as for you and will be free to bring them up in your way, although it’s scarey and you have your doubts still of your ability to deal with this, i don’t doubt that you be able do this, you are very capable, you are our Shinebright and are inspirational
X x x

[shine bright 2]

Thank you Daisy and KIP for your lovely words. It’s easy for me to forget how bad things were because we have been so free while he has been in prison. You are right too that the kids will be free. It’s easy to forget what it was like before. For them they wasn’t allowed to play out, they had to dress how he said and do want he said. It is just hard knowing that I am.seeing people for the last time and not saying good bye. That said I’m. Lucky I have time while he’s still locked up.
I can’t stay here because of threats from.his family and him getting out. I can only imagine how furious he is by now and how much I brought shame on him.
I’ve relied a lot on support from people on here although there are lots of new people. I know that when they let’s us have phones and things again after we go I can come here for support.

Sometimes posting on here is a good reminder. The first time I posted on here he had hit me So hard I lost my hearing…rests what im keeping in my mind. There is nothing more frightening than him…everything else is easy.

[SunshineRainflower]

You have gone through such a terrible ordeal Shine bright, I really feel for you. What an absolute monster your ex is, and it is so awful that his family threaten you, that is surely illegal in itself and should not be allowed. I think you are doing brilliantly, and that you and your children will go from strength to strength in your new life and will be able to flourish without the threat of him lingering over you, but it is understandably very sad and painful at the same time having to give up what you know. Allow yourself to feel that pain, it is totally normal and anyone would feel the same in your situation. Keep posting and let us know how it goes, I find your strength and dignity incredible and I wish you a happy and peaceful 2018.

[IrisAtwood]

Hi Shine,
Hold onto that thought – everything else is easy. I really hope that the new year brings nothing but peace and happiness to you and your children.

[Daisy]

Shiney, you have to go love,and I’m sure your friends will be sad but glad for you all to be safe , when they do realise.
I remember the early days, and the danger you were in , you are out and need to continue to stay safely away from him.
Prison wouldn’t have changed him, that’s your good nature thinking.you could have been a aweful addition to the statistics, but you bravely, admirably spoke up despite how hard you found it, because you need to be safe, to keep your lovely children safe.
My very best wishes for your new start and as you said- after him, all else will be easier.
Hope they allow you to return to us soon shiney.
Good luck brave sister survivor
X x x

[shine bright 2]

Thank you so much. Around for a little bit. I’m not sure after that. I think when name and all is changed I can go online again…so will keep in touch if I can. The support on here means so much to me. People here got me through things that even my friends didn’t know about. Talking to police, court stuff, pregnancy test after what he done, battling my need to self harm geting scars photographed and the awfulness of being rejected by family when I spoke up. Each of those things I shared with people here and felt that there were hands out stretched when I needed them most
I appreciate people on here so much and Lisa too. Kept me going and is keeping me going.

[KIP.]

❤️

[shine bright 2]

You’ve been a massive part of that KIP

[Author]

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