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    • #12567

      It just occurred to me that I never really rebelled ( much) as a teenager- in the grand scheme of things.

      Yes, I had my moments, of being pulled along with rebellious teenage friends, and I had a rebellious hairstyle once! But in terms of really asserting myself, my opinions, my thoughts against the status quo in my family: no.

      I was always too concerned to be a good daughter/ grand daughter/ sister. And so it has continued- worrying about good mum, wife, auntie….

      Maybe if I had rebelled when I was meant to ( teenager), I would have been more secure later on about asserting myself when I felt I needed to, about standing up for what I as an individual wanted. But I carried on, people pleasing from childhood to marriage.

      I feel I am rebelling now! Suddenly, my individual beliefs are more important than pleasing those people who I would have been worried about displeasing before. Suddenly, I don’t care for subduing my personality. I don’t want to swallow my words, my thoughts, my dreams, my opinions. I’ve only got X amount of years on this earth. Why act like I am not important, that my personality should be kept invisible? Why should we hide our lights under a bushel?

      Maybe I’m going through rebellion a few years too late! But I think that’s what surviving abuse does to you: you never want to be trodden upon ever again, or treated like you are just someone’s means to an end, valued fir how well you serve them.I want to be independent and resourceful, and to be who I was born to be. I will never rely upon anyone 100% again, nor will I allow anyone to rub me out.

    • #12568
      lover of no contact

      Me too. I like being a ‘not so good girl’, too, sometimes. Not always doing what people say I should do.

      I did that today. Someone told me to do something. I didn’t do it. (It was easier because she’s a bully). It felt good. Its good for me to break some rules sometimes.

      I was always ‘the good girl’ too. In my family, at school, in my marriage. The next decade is me going to be the not so good girl lol.

    • #12582

      I agree! My ‘teenage rebellion’ came while I was with my perp…changing my hair colour, piercing body parts…it got me into lots of trouble with him. The more he told me not to do it, the more I wanted to break the rules! Was not the best way to go about things!

      I think it’s good to break the rules sometimes 🙂

      My refuge worker once said to me that when you’ve been oppressed, when you’re personality and “you” come back…you come back with bells on 😉


    • #12593

      I am a people pleaser. That’s ok. I’m ok with that. However I have a line now where before I didn’t. Once you cross the line and it becomes apparent that it’s either you or me, I’m going to pick me every time.

      Insult me? I’m going to call you out on it and pick me and get you out of my life.
      Obnoxious estate agents? reported to the council for health and saftey and planning breaches. I pick me
      New manager trying to shake things up by firing me? I’m quite happy to go to tribunal for discrimination on race gender and disability. I pick me
      New friend accusing me of something that there is little hard evivdence? Good bye I don’t need an accuser in my life, would rather be friendless. I pick me
      Uncooperative professionals? I’m not going to chase you, I’m going to have an episode and go into hospital to expose your lack of professionalism to your colleagues. I pick me.

      I was physically abused by my father and I rebelled against him. To my mother I was good as gold….because she wasn’t abusing me. (she was emotionally neglecting me but that unfortunately was just her coping strategy, she didn’t and doesn’t know any better)

      I’m pretty much tame in society in general until you cross me or I get very mentally unwell. I don’t mind being a nice person but I am not a doormat. Yeah I don’t want to rely on anyone again either. I’m not about co-dependence anymore. If I want you to f off or I want to f off, I want no strings attached keeping me in a toxic situation. Not for fighting any battles with people.

      It’s better for me because of my BPD/EUPD because I can be co-dependent or mirror or react negatively to negative people or situations. On my own I’m a lot calmer and I can listen to my gut instinct and inner voice more. I also want to learn to love me and parent and soothe my inner child more. I can’t do that if there is someone who is so demanding on my time, energy and attention. I always end up giving them my all (friend or romantic partner or family). Well no more. I now live a very unconventional life but I’m more solvent, safe and sane than when I lived a conventional life.

    • #12632

      I can so relate to that! My time is really now. I do what I want and I work on my self development. I have set a few goals that I want to achieve. I do not care anymore what people think about me.
      I am becoming the real me, who was always hidden under blankets because I was more concerned about pleasing people than putting myself first.

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