Learned helplessness

[Serenity]

I’ve come across the term ‘learned helplessness’ a few times in reading about abuse.

I think one of the various reasons that we struggle to leave an abusive relationship or to recover afterwards is because of this ‘learned helplessness.’

We adopt ‘learned helplessness’ as a result of being in a situation where we feel trapped. We feel unable to get out, for many reasons, and so our situation seems hopeless. In turn, we feel helpless.

Our abuser has also, no doubt, tried to teach us that we are helpless, by ridiculing us and making us feel stupid, telling us we won’t succeed in what we want to do, that we need them in order to survive, by controlling everything and so we don’t develop our money management skills, work skills, or any other skills that help a person feel strong and independent as an adult. They take away from us everything that could help us to feel secure, then laugh at our ‘dependency.’

Striking out alone seems so daunting, because we have come to believe our abuser’s ( and maybe other people’s) damaging assessments of us and our abilities.

I think it’s so important to understand that this sense of helplessness isn’t real. It’s brainwashing. Our families of origin, our parents or caregivers, siblings, teachers or acquaintances may have said things to us to create the idea in our minds that we are helpless; our abuser may have latched onto this, or may have enjoyed watching us change from a happy and independent person to a jibbering wreck, all of their own doing.

We’ve come to lack faith in our own powers. Maybe this has been true much of our life. But this helplessness can be unlearned.

It’s important to get to the root of this negative belief, and change the story. Hopefully, this will help women to leave dire situations, but also to recover after having left. Our abusers don’t want us to succeed after we have left. Believe me, I know it’s a struggle. But we must also see their lies for what they are.

[KIP.]

Forced helplessness might be a better term. Or forced dependency. It’s so strange how we can function and thrive without them yet when we are stuck in the middle of abuse, it all feels hopeless. Good riddance to bad rubbish 👍

[Serenity]

Yes, you are right, KIP: forced helplessness and forced dependency is a better term.

Often cleverly meted out.

It is sick how people gain power from taking others’ power away from them.

[Author]

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