1st August 2023 at 10:46 pm #160409
Good evening everyone
I am so sorry that I have not been very active on the forum lately.
On a positive note, I am finally getting out! After so so many years together. If he hadn’t started to “bully” one of our children, I don’t think I would be leaving but I am.
On a negative note, I am so so scared.
Scared that I am making the wrong choice.
Scared of his reaction and the repercussions.
Scared of being on my own.
Scared of how he will blame our children and how it will affect them.
Scared of the unknown.
For the past few days, I have behaving major panic attacks and am even having one as I write this now.
If anyone has any coping tips or advice,it would be gratefully received.
Take care x
2nd August 2023 at 4:14 pm #160425
Hey Gerbil nice to hear from you.
I love that you are leaving i am so happy for you. I cant advise but I wanted to say im sure its to be expected the fear my goodness what a huge thing you arw doing but keep those positive thought in your head write them down.The freedom the no stress the no walking on eggshells the fact that you and your kids can be free thats what you need to think about.
Remember to breath use a counting technique when it gets bad to ground yourself i tap my fingers and count 1 3 2 4 3 5 4 6 5 7 etc to just find my way back it works. You are doing something amazing scarey my goodness yes but wow it will be worth it right? Lots of luck xxxxxx
2nd August 2023 at 11:31 pm #160444
Thank you so much for your calming techniques advice. I really appreciate it and I’m definitely going to try them.
As well as being so scared, I also feel like such a horrible person as I haven’t told him that I’m leaving him. It’s such an awful thing to do to someone x
3rd August 2023 at 8:41 am #160457
No no its not an awful thing to do what he does is alful he is the s**t not you what you are doing is saving yourself and your kids. That takes courage.
You are not and never will be to blame you go with your head held high and know that you tried you gave it everything you had all of what you had. This is on him and dont you believe any different.
Please let us know if you can that you are safe sweetie I will be thinking of you.
You have got this xxxxxxx
2nd August 2023 at 11:36 pm #160445BananaboatParticipant
Well done for finding the strength to leave. I can absolutely relate to how you’re feeling right now, boy the panic attacks before leaving were something, the self doubt etc. It’s normal/common – look into FOG fear/obligation/guilt. You’ve been conditioned for so long to think of his needs over your own plus the trauma bond will be fighting to keep you locked in. Not to mention all the tricks he’ll be pulling right now. But lovely, once you’re out it will feel like a weight has been lifted. Ride the waves and be kind to yourself during this stage – some days you’ll find it impossible to make a decision, other days you’ll be able to move mountains x
3rd August 2023 at 12:50 am #160448Hope123Participant
From my experience you will feel initially fee amazing and free. The reading about FOG is great. Essential I would say.
But be careful not to get complacent, the old patterns can re-emerge. Be ready and have a whack-a-mole approach.
It takes time (I’m over 3 years and still feel the trauma everyday) but I promise it’s the best thing ever.
3rd August 2023 at 10:58 am #160462LifebeginsParticipant
Well done you on deciding to leave. It took me a long time to leave too and I never thought I’d do it. But I’m out a while now like Hope123 and I’ve never once regretted it.
You mention things you’re worried about which I think are pretty normal. You are definitely making the right choice for yourself and your kids and setting them a good example which I know can be difficult to see right now when your in the thick of it. And all of you may require support after – just something to bear in mind – I got counselling support from WA and counselling for my child through the school and it’s been great. My child is really thriving.
I would hugely suggest going no contact after you leave if at all possible. It gives you the chance to breathe and get yourself together and break the bonds. And you won’t know what he has to say and who to blame then too I thought it wouldn’t be possible with legal stuff/child but it actually wasn’t difficult- I just used third parties and solicitor. Here for advice on that if you need it.
Don’t think about him and his reaction. Really really hard I know as putting him first is what all of us are conditioned to do. But you and your kids come first now. And you should try and focus on that and the good times ahead. Picture that instead. I’ll give you an example, one of the last outings I went on with my ex and child was just awful. He had a big tantrum and ruined it for us all before we left and then forced us to still go. It was awful. A few days after I left him, my child and I and friends went on same outing and it was such a fun day and we had a great time. And I have lots of these examples. This is what you’ve got to look forward to.
You can definitely cope on your own. That was the brilliant bit about when I first left. The peace. Even with all the change going on around me, me and my child not being shouted at, demeaned, criticised, threatened, having to walk on eggshells, etc anymore was just such a relief. And financially I coped, much better actually as I’ve control over the finances now. And the only change to my workload is that I have to put the bins out, as I did it all anyway. I was very isolated too and not many friends but relied heavily on those I do have and my family who actually live quite far away. And I’ve now reconnected with some old friends, had my first girlie holiday, joined some groups to do hobbies with. You have all that to look forward to. Yes it’s going to be tough being on your own but you got this.
Re: the unknown, all I can say is that it’s probably going to be a rollercoaster and you should take all the support you can from everywhere you can (keep posting here too as you might have a lot of questions and I got tons of help from the forum). But I can’t recall reading one post from someone who left and regretted it.
You should feel very proud of yourself. best of luck. And we’re here for you.
Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx
3rd August 2023 at 11:54 pm #160490
I can not thank you enough for your replies and amazing advice. It means so much to me.
Only (detail removed by Moderator) to go until the man with the van comes!!! Aaahhh.
I don’t think I’m going to get much sleep tonight…my heart is racing…I will just keep telling myself I’ve got this and following all your fantastic advice x
4th August 2023 at 7:29 am #160493
Good luck thinking of you when you can let us know how you are doing. Xxxxx
4th August 2023 at 7:51 am #160495Hiya@Participant
Good luck lovely, you are making the best move.
Yes it’s tough but it will get better, I promise. But obviously a roller coaster ride too.
Best advice I got was to block him, this was really hard but as soon as I did I felt free. I only speak to him now on my terms when I absolutely have to.
Being scared is normal, change is scary but you have got this.
Keep posting !
Love to you
5th August 2023 at 11:25 pm #160527
I am now in my own home!!! I cannot begin to describe how it feels! I feel excited and happy every time I walk through the front door ( not sick and nervous wondering what mood he will be in).
I would not be here without all the advice and support from this forum. I can not thank you all enough for the support and understanding you have given me.
I know the next few weeks will be a challenge but I’ve got out!
Take care x*x
2nd September 2023 at 11:09 am #161409BroadbodiedchaserParticipant
I left (detail removed by Moderator) years now. Still ups and downs, get lonely but I’m free to make choices, home is my own. I have a new distant relationship which is going well. Accept the low days bit know that it is just a blip… the guilt and trauma bond fades as time goes on.
2nd September 2023 at 3:07 pm #161414GalabeeeParticipant
I am so pleased for you Gerbil and good to hear from everyone who is out. I am about (detail removed by Moderator) weeks away …….. terrified about telling him and what comes next but holding onto hope for something different…
I’m so glad things are feeling happy and excited when you walk in your front door- that is how home should feel ..
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