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I’m trying for what is now the 7th time to get my n**********c boyfriend out of my house and life, once and for all.
It’s proving harder than I thought. I realise now that he has slowly boiled me alive like a frog over the years with the usual cycle of abuse. I’ve lost my job and I’m isolated from friends and family. I asked him to collect his last things but he says he will take what he can in his (detail removed by moderator) and collect the rest another time. I’m worn out and ill now and honestly feeling a bit desperate today. The future looks bleak with or without him (in terms of a support network). He has insisted on making the journey tomorrow to collect his things, although I tried to put him off, and in my current worn down and weakened state I’m worried that I will soften and not end it. And so the cycle of emotional abuse will start again. What to do? I can’t turn to my sister who doesn’t understand emotional abuse and I don’t want to labour any remaining friends with it all.
Just needing a little support and wondering if I should cut him out of my life or not in my time of need.
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Hi takethelongroad
well done for getting to this point in your reclaiming your own power, and own control of your own life. This is a big and important step to have taken.
As he has now gone, he has no right to re-enter what is now, YOUR, home. This is your place of safety and retreat, your place to be yourself and control your life for your benefit. He cannot now come across the threshold, neither should he; you have come to this place because of all his repeated abuses of you, and his ignoring what this has done to you, caring less for you, than his own self-importance and entitlements.
Keep this boundary, and make sure you get your locks changed urgently, because you have no guarantee that he will not let himself back in when he thinks you are out!
Believe me, this is in the minds of many an abuser when they are kicked out, or out of the relationship but refuse to let go of you as their property and all thats yours they feel is theirs still. IDK anything about being a narc, none of us here have that qualification or experience of psychiatric conditions, which don’t excuse abuse anyway, and you will find, through reading here, how common it is for these abusers to blame us for their abuse, or being drunk, having a mental health condition, or personality disorder, anything in fact to excuse their lack of responsibility for their treatment of us.
Keep safe, thats your priority now, you, not him. Take control by gathering his remaining things and leaving them outside at the time he has said he will come, attaching a note to let him know you are out, and if anything is left behind you will pass it to the police for him to collect. This may seem drastic, but currently he is still residing in your head, and now he’s physically gone, your next move is to remove the hooks he has on your mind. You are now separate, so be separate, and act separate.
You will have many here who understand your circumstances and can offer support, so do keep posting and letting us know how you are doing and what if any, extra supports you are looking for.
warmest wishes
ts
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Could you be fair but firm. Say a time and his belongings will be outside. He can get a friend or relative to collect and you don’t even need to be there or if you are you don’t need to open the door. Bag his stuff leave outside?
It so hard and really understanding where you are good luck and hopefully you’ll work it out. Don’t cave in!
The other lovely people on here will have ideas I’m sure.
Stay strong! X*x
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Thank you, ts and chocolate bunnie, for your prompt replies, I really appreciate it and I can’t tell you how much it helps me.
I’ve identified him as a n**********c abuser from a link that someone helpful on here posted on Dr Ramani’s work, so whoever posted that, thank you. It’s still classic emotional abuse, only made even harder to deal with as he is a n********t as well and therefore dangerously lacking in any empathy or guilt.
I have bagged all his remaining stuff up and put it in the hall. I warned him that I will change the locks, but I don’t want a scene at the door or the embarrassment of leaving his stuff outside in front of my neighbours as it’s quite a close community and I would just die from the embarrassment as I don’t want to be the subject of idle gossip. I’ve told him that I will probably be (detail removed by moderator) and he replied that he will take what he can in the car and go. He lives about (detail removed by moderator) away, so I’ve decided that I will (detail removed by moderator) and go out for the afternoon and come back later.
It’s annoying as I just wanted a calm, peaceful afternoon (detail removed by moderator), but that is the way of an abuser: always ruining your smallest enjoyment in life through aggressive, disruptive controlling behaviour.
I feel scared and anxious which is something I never thought that a strong, independent, professional woman like me would experience, but I have to remain strong and resolute.
Thank you for your help, it means a lot to me.
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Let him in then go upstairs, that’s what I did – distance yourself as being in their presence makes you want to slip into old behaviours. Abusers don’t see belongings like we do – it seems madness to us not to take your stuff with you but they seem to take bare minimum and either discard the rest or use it as an ‘in’ to keep returning. Can you (detail removed by moderator) in another room? x
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Leave his stuff outside and go somewhere else when he comes to collect it, I know it feels bleak without him right now but this is just due to the trauma bonds, the manipulations and mind games that have affected your neurological system, the horrible cold turkey feeling doesn’t last forever (but it’s something you have to go through) it does get easy after and then you see everything for what it is/was and who wants to spend the rest of their life with an adult tantruming toddler and human parasite I didn’t and I’m sure deep down you don’t either, the only way to get you life back after this is to go contact (cos they will manipulate/abuse/harass/mind game) value yourself for your good traits these people only value us for what we can offer them or how we can enhance them in some way they are takers and users.When you feel more confident and able to trust again you can start to build up a new support network based on kinder, giving more supportive people, this man probably never supported you with anything but probably expected it, the term hypocrite was made for these types, it’s not easy to go through but so worth it in the end, trust your instincts with people never ignore those “off” feelings and if someone pushes you for a relationship and you say no (or feel no) cut them off or report them (abusers users and takers don’t take no for an answer) that’s the difference between respectful people and boundary violators who are disrespectful or dark personalities who like a challenge and don’t have your best interests at heart 🧡🤗🧡
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it should’ve read go “no” contact (the post went up before I could change it) 💛🤗💛
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this is only your take on what others will think!
Why won’t they think he is picking up rubbish to take to the tip?
You have no reason to let him in, or be there when he comes. Even if you are there, he doesn’t have to know you are, and you can stay inside away from him.
This time, separation, is the most dangerous time for women in abuse (and noone can diagnose something as complex as a n********t off the internet, it doesn’t matter who they are, this is abuse, not a PD), and as such you have to treat him as an abuser and perhaps read some of the safety guidelines for dealing with an abuser, not an NPD.
You could be at considerable risk, which is why so many are advising that you leave his stuff outside and don’t have a face to face with him. Take back control of your life now that he is gone. He deserves not a second more of your time and energy, if it wasn’t for his abuses you wouldn’t be here, or have separated from him. You now have no need to see him again, which can be very hard to go through (like cold turkey!) but is the best way to cleanse your system of him so you can restart your own precious life. You deserve this freedom and a better life ahead.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you so much Twisted Sister, Banana boat, Auriel and Dandelion for your very helpful replies. My apologies for not replying sooner, but I’ve been ill for the last few days (probably as a result of all the anxiety and stress over the situation).
He asked if he could collect everything the (detail removed by Moderator) instead, which I agreed to, but is now up to the usual mind games of bombarding me with texts: asking whether there’s any future, demanding a response, saying how much he’s done for me, very weak apology, etc, etc, to the point where I’ve had to block him as it’s making me stressed and ill. I’ll be glad when it’s all over, although I have to admit, the future does scare me.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all of your support, it means so much to me. Thank you everyone.
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I am so glad that you have found it such a helpful thing posting here and gathering supports through replies you’ve had.
He will continue to make you ill until you take back your own control.
Your control would be to, say, agree to the pick-up set by him, but say this is his last opportunity and it will be left outside at the time agreed, if it is not collected it will be dumped or handed to the police for collecting by him.
You will then be in control of your own life, having allowed him to set a suitable time and date for him (if, and only if, it does also fit with your plans, you don’t need to be changing your plans thereby prioritising him).
I am sorry this is making you so ill, but I hope that you can feel stronger with all our support on here, and by taking appropriate steps to keep yourself safe.
warmest wishes
ts
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No contact it’s an essential for these types, block him, if you can have someone with you when he collects or ask them to be there instead, just say no to questions of a future short sharp unfeeling texts are best for these, and it’s not cruel it’s self protection and self preservation and you need that 💜💖💛
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