15th March 2019 at 5:33 am #74200
So i think I’ve decided to leave again. I’ve left once before, I’ve not been back home long. But I’m heavily pregnant, and am miles away from family. My Dad has offered to come and pick me up and take me home, so I know I have all the support in the world again.
I feel guilty because my partner actually seems happy at the moment and hasn’t been horrible or anything for about (detail removed by Moderator), but I just keep thinking about all the emotional abuse he has done over the years and about how isolated I am miles away from family and friends. I kept hoping that my partner and I could move forward and have our baby/our happy little family, but in reality I’m terrified about bringing a baby into the middle of all this and I know that social services probably view me coming back as a negative and not being protective of my baby.
I’m just so distraught, because although I know it’s probably the right thing to do, I love him so much it hurts but I’m also confused and wonder if it’s all the trauma bonding that was suggested to me on here aswell?
I cried myself to sleep last night because it’s all that’s on my mind, he’s completely unaware and I’m so upset I’m going to upset him and ruin all we have again, by leaving again. I know I need to do the best for my baby but I’m so scared, and he’s threatened before to get full custody of our baby, so I keep thinking about what people have suggested on here about not putting him on the birth certificate? But, what happens then, because I think him and his parents (who don’t like me since I originally left and also have lots of money), will try to do something to take my baby from me? I’m scared because there was an occasion ages ago once before when he tried to make out that I’d (detail removed by Moderator)? But he also then admitted that I’d just (detail removed by Moderator), but then he went back to his original story and I have no recollection of it happening? But I’m worried he’ll try to use something like this against me?
The only evidence I have against him is that I spoke to my midwife and gp before I left the first time, because his behaviour was making me suffer with depression and anxiety. I guess if it came to it, I also have a wealth of abusive text messages and stuff from him over the years? And last year I also recorded him a couple of times having one of his angry episodes against me, at the time I did it because stupidly I wanted to use it/listen back to it to convince myself to leave him but I never did until recently.
15th March 2019 at 12:02 pm #74219
I spoke to my Mum after writing this this morning, she’s so supportive but also so angry after everything my other half has done. She gave me some reassurance in trying to help me realise I’m not the one to blame for his actions, I still feel to blame a little but I keep trying to think logically. Thinking to myself today, for some reason I feel overwhelmed like some old memories are flooding back to me of things that have happened between me and him, that I didn’t really realise were abusive at the time. Such as, me being coy/shy in the beginning in the bedroom, and him ending up getting angry and turning over and giving me silent treatment because I didn’t want to do what he told me to? I just thought at the time, I needed to be braver for him as he obviously found that sexy? But now I realise someone who loves me shouldn’t make me feel so embarrassed and at fault and unworthy?
15th March 2019 at 12:41 pm #74220[email protected]Participant
you feel like your not worthy of help perhaps? because of everything he has done and made you feel. this is the BEST choice that your making right now, you will never look back and regret this but you will if you stay – I promise you that 100% – go to your parents and go no contact with him. He wont get joint custody so don’t worry that’s another matter – take your time this can all be sorted out just be safe and have a safe exit xx much love diy mum
15th March 2019 at 1:54 pm #74228
Thanks diymum. I do feel guilty because I’ve had my parents help the first time I left, so I guess I just feel guilty for coming back. But also I love my other half and also want him to be happy, it broke my heart upsetting him and leaving him last time.
And you’re right about no contact, I shouldn’t have been messaging him when I left before, I just missed him so much.
15th March 2019 at 3:56 pm #74236
Hi IG, there’s always that wee part of us that hopes it’s all a blip, that if we do this or say that, he’ll realise how awful he’s been and never be nasty, manipulative ever again. He’s being nice just now because of social services and the midwife being in the background. Get your dad to come for you and don’t look back, anything you leave behind can be picked up later on, or renewed and if he damages it then that’s criminal damages and as such he’ll be charged with.
I’m really pleased to read that you can go back to your parents, I’ve read too often that the women is ashamed to ask for help again because she went back after telling family and friends what he’s like, and that the abuser convinces them that their family and friends hated him from the beginning and that it’s you and him against the world now., and everything is lovely for a little while and them it all starts again but this time she doesn’t reach out because she’s done so before. Don’t let him convince you you’re family want nothing to do with you. It’s lies. They love you and want to protect you. Leaving and staying away is so hard,it is literally like coming off drugs, that need to see him speak to him, get his validation is so strong.(this is trauma bonding)
Delete his number, go no contact, it’s not just your life now, your wee one’s is at risk too as is their future self.
He won’t get full custody and I agree about keeping his name off of the birth certificate and when your child gets older, tell them what happened to you. Secrets have a way of being found out and being manipulated to suit whoever tells them. You can do this, I well pay again for you to find the strength to go home with your dad. Visualise him driving to you, see yourself getting in his car, feel how it feels to be home and safe. Keep thinking of that and you will get free. My thoughts are with you, you can do this my love.
Don’t worry about the future, getting safe is what’s important just now. 💜💜
15th March 2019 at 5:43 pm #74246
I’ve always been such an empathetic, caring person so I think that’s why it’s even harder for me thinking about upsetting/hurting the only person I’ve ever loved in that way, I genuinely thought we’d get married and grow old together, but instead since we got engaged I’ve put him off wedding planning for the past few years.
He makes it difficult aswell because he does sort of show me his vulnerable side sometimes, but I guess now I wonder if that’s an act aswell?
He has already tried to turn me against my family by saying awful things about them and trying to convince me they brainwash and emotionally blackmail me to try to get me back home, but I know deep down it’s not true, although there are even times when I do question myself about this.
It’s hard because I don’t feel unsafe at the moment around him, but I guess that’s because I’m not raising any difficult issues/trying to avoid confrontation.
My mum and dad even text me about picking me up tonight but I’ve said not to because I haven’t spoken to him because he’s at work, and I don’t want to leave in the way I did before when I just left a letter and took my stuff, I feel like I owe him an explanation and stuff?
15th March 2019 at 7:01 pm #74258
I’d agree his showing a little vulnerability is play acting. Your gut instinct is stopping you making wedding plans, you’ll either end it or end up marrying him. I didn’t listen to mine, let my ego dictate rather than listen to myself. That was over 2 decades ago. I wish I’d known about WA away back then but I know now and I’m learning. I’m lucky in that I’m no longer in love or even love my husband, trauma bonding is real and is extremely hard to break. He’s hurt me too much and not just verbally, he no longer has to physically hurt me, just a look or a threat to my dogs is enough. But we’re in a quiet spell, I can’t face any chaos just now but I know that it’s there bubbling away just under the surface.
Ask yourself why you feel you owe him to tell him face to face that your leaving this time. Could you arrange for your folks to come down so that they’re there when you’ve told him. WA say once we tell them we’re leaving that that’s when things could become more dangerous. We do what we do to survive.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕
15th March 2019 at 8:28 pm #74265LisaMain Moderator
I understand that it is very hard to just leave without giving him an explanation, but from a safety point of view we never recommend that women try to leave while their abuser is there and especially if he knows that it is your intention to leave for good, as doing this drastically increases your risk. I am especially concerned because you are heavily pregnant and i would encourage you to reconsider your plans. If you want to explain everything to him you could do this over the phone once you are safely at your parents.
It is completely your decision, i just want you and your baby to be safe.
Take care and keep posting
16th March 2019 at 6:54 pm #74322
Thankyou for all you advice and concern.
I spoke to him ((detail removed by moderator). I started to say that I wanted to leave and I asked him about whether he had said all the horrible stuff he had threatened he would to (detail removed by moderator)
He said (detail removed by moderator) was impressed with him, and some of the stuff he said just made me feel like he must’ve fooled her and that I’m the one in the wrong?
My mum and dad have assured me I’m not going mad or the one to blame but I still feel like I am?
When I spoke to him about leaving, he didn’t seem too bothered, he says (detail removed by moderator). He asked me over and over again (detail removed by moderator) and my answer changed from no to yes in a matter of minutes after he kept repeating the question to me. He kept saying (detail removed by moderator) I felt bad for ruining his afternoon so I just sort of glazed over things as I know he was getting annoyed because he needed to get ready to go out.
I spoke to my mum and dad after and they just want me to go home, said he’ll never change and that it’s not fair bringing my baby into this.
I feel stupid, pathetic, weak and disgusted/ashamed in myself for everything I’ve put up with from him in the past few years and for upsetting my family so much because of it all. My family don’t really understand, I don’t understand myself in all honesty, it’s like I get close to leaving then I can’t bare the thought of losing him so I patch things back up, it’s like some sort of stupid addiction?
I’m sick of being so unhappy and feeling like there really is something wrong with me? He says I find fault in everything he does, he says nothing he does is good enough. And I think he’s right, it’s like part of me hates him and that part of me wants some sort of control, so yeh when he says he’ll ring and look at counselling but he doesn’t do it for several months, I do see that as a negative, even though he has been working really hard and had lots on, but I guess I just saw that 5 minute job of self referring as a priority that didn’t take him very much time?
16th March 2019 at 7:24 pm #74326
He will never ever change. He is Gaslighting and manipulating you. Playing awful mind games. He is a liar. Do not believe a word he says. No wonder you’re confused. Go to your parents and get the help you need from women’s aid. You’re right about abuse victims being trapped in this crazy addiction. There is much worse to come if you stay x
16th March 2019 at 7:44 pm #74328
I don’t know how to keep the strength up if you know what I mean? I constantly go from researching everything and feeling stronger to then doubting myself and feeling like a crazy woman?
I’m scared of everyone not believing me, his family didn’t the first time I left and now he says that this time it’s all my fault not making an effort because he’s doing the best he can? Although I did try to remind him that still calling me a c**t or t**t or idiot etc is still not being nice to me, especially when he justifies it with menial household tasks that I’ve done but not to his liking/specific way of doing things.
16th March 2019 at 8:26 pm #74331
He is lying to you. Itsnot your fault. You do not call someone you care about a c__t. He’s brainwashed you. Who cares if his family don’t believe you. You don’t need validation from anyone. It’s nobodys business but yours. He has had his chance to change but he won’t. Try to engage with women’s aid x
16th March 2019 at 9:02 pm #74332
You’re right, I know what you say makes sense.
I worry about people not believing me and just thinking I’m crazy? He’s threatened to get custody of our baby in the past and I think that keeps making me anxious. Whilst my baby is still in my belly I can keep him somewhat safe but once he’s out then I’m scared my partner will try to dictate/control things around him too.
I do keep trying to ring and get through to Women’s Aid x
16th March 2019 at 10:51 pm #74339
I agree with KIP, who cares what anyone says or thinks. You know the truth, your parents know. He can only threaten you about the custody, but if you leave him that’s proof that the relationship isn’t healthy and that you’d rather be a single parent than bring your child up in an abusive environment. Even babies pick up on abuse. They cry more, they have colic. I know it’s hard to leave but you’ve done it before, you can do it again. Keep strong my friend, I’ll be thinking of you.
17th March 2019 at 4:53 pm #74382
I know I shouldn’t care what they think, but we’ve been together years so I’ve spent a lot of time with his family/friends so I sort of feel a bit heartbroken about how they act when I know they’ve seen some things/how he can be like? I feel like if it was a friend/family member of mine acting in such a horrible way then I wouldn’t be so horrible to the other person involved? But, tbf I guess if I left, I wouldn’t even be close enough to ever bump into them again so I could just cut all contact and try not to care.
I’m so scared of how much my baby has been affected by his verbal abuse to me, I know that the baby maybe harder to settle and things because of all of it and it does break my heart. My OH says he wants to make a go of things and be this happy little family.
He left me to go to (detail removed by Moderator) etc for like (detail removed by Moderator) hours after me being upset/crying/arguing, not one text until (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) and he didn’t understand that I was upset I’d not heard from him in all that time. He said (detail removed by Moderator), and he’s had a go at me for texting him when out before. But I just thought if he really loved me he’d have text his heavily pregnant partner to just see if she was okay wouldn’t he?
17th March 2019 at 5:44 pm #74383
Yes he should have text you. It was highly inconsiderate of him, you could’ve gone into labour. I’m Like you in that i don’t bother my husband at work now or if he goes on a night out, because of how he’s been with me when I did. Shouting that I always call when he’s driving or in the middle of something. DA…d If you do, d….d if you don’t.
You weren’t stupid in going to pick him up, it would have ended in a huge row if you hadn’t. You could’ve played the pregnancy card, I know nearer my time I started being very sick again, almost like morning sickness, but it’s like closing the stable door after the horse is bolted saying you should’ve done this or that. You’re head must be all over the place my love, but only you can decide in the end. Just know there are people who truly love and care about you and the baby. It’s only words from him, his actions show he doesnt love you, as do his words at times. Hang in there, you’ll get there.
18th March 2019 at 5:46 pm #74439
Sometimes it’s good to hear it’s not just me, I end up thinking I’m just being needy or something? I don’t ask for a lot I don’t think, I even refrain from asking for any common decency because of being afraid of it causing an argument. It’s just upsetting because, being pregnant, you’d think he would care a little bit more about how I feel? I mean he tells me off when I get upset because ‘(detail removed by Moderator), but he doesn’t quite understand I can’t help getting upset, maybe it’s him that should stop doing/saying things to upset me?
I went for a walk with my dog (detail removed by Moderator), first time I managed to convince myself to go out of the house other than shopping and hospital appointments in the (detail removed by Moderator). I felt sad because where I went I was remembering times we’d been together and had a nice time, I stupidly started to think maybe he’s not so bad, maybe I just do ask a lot. But I got home and my Dad wanted to ring me, and I said no because my OH might be in soon and if we want to talk openly I can’t. So now I’m thinking to myself, how wrong that is? I can’t and don’t want to spend the rest of my life being so distant with my family because I’m scared of my Dad saying something negative about my OH on the phone and I’m scared of my OH hearing and getting mad at me or saying something else to try and drive a wedge in between me and my parents.
I tried ringing WA again today, I left a voicemail so hopefully they ring me back tomorrow.
I think I know I do want to leave him, because I’ll never be truly happy after everything he’s done to me and what he’s done to me and my family, it’s as if I’m just trying to come to terms with it in my head?
18th March 2019 at 6:43 pm #74442
That’s all it is sweetheart, coming to terms with it in our heads. Well done in going for a walk with the dog💞 I have actually cut conversations dead with my daughter when my oh has come in mid conversation, it’s in conceivable that I’m more afraid of her overhearing him bad mouthing her, so I’d rather cut the conversation 😔. if you stay you will become more distant, it’s called ‘cognitive dissonance’, we can’t accept what he is and those who see what he is, it’s a reminder to us, so we cut contact with them rather than the abuser. If googling it will help, there are many examples online. I hope WA can help you see through the FOG. They won’t force you Into anything you’re not ready to, they’ll just give options and confirm he’ll not change. They’ve been fighting abuse for decades, they know what they’re talking about. You’re getting there, keep posting lovely.
18th March 2019 at 9:10 pm #74456
I’ve told him I think I’m going to go back home for a bit. We had a long conversation. He seems genuine in that he’s really trying his best now to not be abusive and stuff, he remained really calm throughout our conversation.
It’s just so confusing. I feel heart broken because if I go home, he might not come to the birth. I love him so much but I just don’t know what to do for the best, especially since he’s being so calm now?
18th March 2019 at 9:57 pm #74463
That’s good he seems to be okay with you going home.💕 It will give you breathing space and if he’s genuinely wanting to be a better partner he’ll prove he’s changed. He’ll make the effort to be at the birth, he’ll show you how much he loves you and wants to be a better man. You’ll know for sure when you’re not around him and in the midst of the FOG. If it’s meant to be it’ll be. But you have to put some distance between you both just now, you owe yourself that. If he chooses to not come for the birth or says he’d love to be there but can’t make it, that shows he’ll never change.
My oh remained very calm during our last heart to heart, it totally threw me, but part of our chat was how afraid I was of his anger/temper, so looking at it a few months down the line it’s proved to me he can control his temper when he wants to. He’s being calm now because he knows how close he is to losing you, if you dont take this chance it’ll just prove to him that he can say and do anything to you and you’ll never do anything really about it. Go to your parents, let them heal you and love you unconditionally for now, this is your time to test him. An abuser generally can’t go any longer than 3-6 months then their true nature rears its ugly head again. I really wish you well in the near future. Remember even if he ‘proves’ he’s changed that doesn’t mean you have to move back in. You can always do trial visits. I can say that you’ll always be waiting on his nasty side to appear. Once we’ve seen who they are, we can’t put them back in a box, keep posting, keep getting stronger.
19th March 2019 at 10:37 am #74477
He ended up telling me (detail removed by Moderator).
He tried to say things that lessened his abuse/made his actions not seem that bad. He said his friend (detail removed by Moderator) had said it wasn’t abuse because he’s not done things like control my money/tell me I can’t see people/stopped me from doing things.
I just got off the phone with WA. They said that what he is doing even now if categorically abusive and manipulative – it’s so hard to hear. They said he may not have told me I can’t see people but it’s all about manipulation and cohersion; he’s made me feel like I shouldn’t go to see my family and friends because of the fear of his actions, and from how he’s acted with me because of going to see them in the past etc. They said that he is just trying to shift blame onto me from what he is saying.
I’m so mad at myself, for being so in love with a person who chooses to do this to me. He said that if I loved him then I’d stay and make the effort for our family, but the thing is I still do love him but I also hate the part of him that has treated me so poorly for years. I don’t think he ever loved me because I didn’t think someone could do/say the things he does if they loved a person.
I’m so tired of the constant torment and upset in my head. This should be a time when I’m excited to be meeting my baby any day now, but instead I’m trying to figure out the mess that is my life. I never ever saw any of this coming, and it’s absolutely heartbreaking.
19th March 2019 at 2:14 pm #74481
I have loved and (and always will love this person) I can tell you beyond a doubt that love does not harm, want or need. Loving someone means you want them to be happy and at peace, for their happiness is yours, even if they are not in your life.
Loving your abuser, will not bring them happiness or peace. Allowing them to annihilate you will not bring them happiness and peace, only temporary satisfaction of the most hideous nature.
Love would not watch you sacrifice yourself. Not ever. Love is beautiful, pain and destruction is not loves nature.
There’s nothing inside of him that can love you or anybody else.
The same logic applies to having a child or children with him. If he cheated on you and wasn’t there to support you meaningfully during the emotional and physical challenges of pregnancy, he’ll remain equally unreliable and unsupportive as you raise your child. If he treated you with disrespect and even contempt before you had a child together, that’s how he’ll continue to treat you afterwards. If he shirked his professional and personal duties before, he won’t be able to handle the most important responsibility of all, which is raising a child. And if he abused you, he will abuse your child, at the very least emotionally.
He deliberately hurts others not because they’re not right for him, as he claims to shift the blame, but because he’s not right for anybody else.
19th March 2019 at 3:22 pm #74482
Statistically it takes a victim seven times of leaving until they finally leave for good so don’t think what you’re going through is unusual in any way. You just need to work through this at your own pace. Let others take the strain and you concentrate on bonding with your beautiful baby x
19th March 2019 at 4:38 pm #74483
Types of abuse differ from one abuser to another. It doesn’t matter what he said (detail removed by Moderator) said, don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Not all abusers use the same tactics. I didn’t think I was being financially abused fir the simple fact he didn’t stop me spending or want receipts, but he’s gotten me into debt, up to and over MY overdraft limit but he’s always had more than enough in his bank accounts. Abusers are always saying if you loved me you’d do this, that or the other. No one should have to prove their love. My oh has not came right out and said you’re not going out or seeing so and so. But its how they are when we go out either before, while we’re out and when we come home. I’ve had to have sex, so I’d smell him on me and not be tempted to go out with anyone else, he’s bit my neck to show others, I’m with someone. He’s demanded I be outside waiting for him when he’s came to pick me up, so he’s not looking like a d..k, never mind I look like one waiting for him. I’ve had the stare when I’ve went in, I’ve had the silent treatment, did you miss me while you were out, I’ve had, what am I going to do on my own while you’re out enjoying yourself. Someone who loved you would not say those things..
Now after telling you it’s okay to go away for a while he’s telling you if you do, he’ll not take you back. That’s not the words of someone who loves you, that’s the words of someone who is emotionally and verbally threatening you. It’s the yoyo effect. It is exhausting and so tiring dealing wirth this type of abuse. Please listen to the advise of WA, they know these men like the back of their hands. Getting a glimpse of the nice man he once was is not enough to build a life on, it’s not enough to build a family unit on. You’re getting there, you just have to do it in your own time. Take care IG 💜💜
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