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    • #162689


      May I ask what people’s experiences and approaches have been with regards to leaving and their approach to protecting their children, or deciding on custody share? I understand that every situation is different, I’d just like to hear what someone else’s thought patterns were like when trying to figure out what the best thing to do is.

      I posted in ‘New Here’ about our situation if you want to read more details. Basically, I don’t know whether he would be a risk to our child or not. Our child is young, almost (detail removed by Moderator). I spent many many years not realising that I was being abused by this man, so now I’m having to question whether or not my child could be experiencing at least emotional abuse or trauma from their interactions with him. I have no idea how to figure this out and I’m terrified of making the wrong call. I don’t want to rip my child’s father away from them when they could have had a beautiful relationship and a net positive impact. I’m equally terrified of leaving too soon, not filing any abuse charges, and going down a purely amicable 50/50 separation then losing control over our child’s wellbeing.

      There’s also him to consider. I’ve accepted that he’s abusive, but he’s not a monster. I want to burst into tears at the thought that he could lose his family, and not only that but face potential criminal repercussions. If it were just me I would walk away and leave the issue, but I’m pulled by the responsibility to protect my gorgeous baby. I can’t fail them just because I was too scared to pull back the layers and confront him.

      I just don’t know how I’m going to figure out what is best, let alone how to then try to achieve it. Feel like I’m drowning.

    • #162790

      Its important to your potential case that you register/ log any domestic violence, mental physical that affects you/child . this will give over time a timeline. Any diary or notes keep safe. Living with the dominator is a great little book and you may find a Freedom programme or similar near by. There are effects on children subliminally. Always have a ‘plan’ in case things escalate. being able to speak to someone who understands does help to feel less isolated about it.

    • #163271

      Omg you have taken he words out of my mouth. I feel the same way. He is a great father to our son but a shocking husband and the way he talks to me infront of my son is not acceptable. He is also now trying to turn my son against me and separate us by acting like I’m the bad guy. He has no boundaries with our son and I do so naturally, my son always go to his dad because he let’s him get away with anything, let’s him go to sleep whenever he wants and he constantly undermines me. I would love nothing more than an amicable divorce but he has made it clear that he will not ever leave his son and if anyone goes, it will be me.
      He is also now making out that my son is scared of me and that I have mental health issues. A weeks back, he was horrible to me all over (detail removed by moderator) and his mouth got nasty and he actually scared my son and I had to walk out twice that night to de escalate the situation. He turned around and said it was me who scared our son and I needed removing..his lies and manipulation are dangerous and I cannot/ will not let him alienate me from my son who is nearly (detail removed by moderator) years old. Me and my son have a whale of a time until he’s in the picture and then i am constantly stepping on egg shells.
      I feel trapped and stuck although family and friends are constantly telling me to take this further but like you said, I don’t want to take my son away from his father, I just don’t want him to live in this toxic situation….

      • #163286

        Your situation sounds exactly like mine and my partner says if I go he’s keeping the kids who I do absolutely everything for. Like you he’s a good dad terrible partner but in saying that if I leave I know he will do anything to hurt me or make life as hard as possible and the thought of putting my kids at more risk kill me x

    • #163291

      I’m just coming to the realisation that my abuser’s financial abuse of me is coercive control and actually a crime. Whatever they claim, they are responsible for their own actions even if it is criminality.
      I love the book Living With The Dominator. It has been so helpful in clarifying my situation. My abuser and I don’t have children for very sad reasons but they are estranged from their adult children who don’t feel safe around them.

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