Leaving and how to cope

[gothT04]

So I’m in an abusive situation at the minute

My (ex) partner who is still around is causing me issues.
He recorded me during sex without my consent, admitted to it, then lied and said he hasn’t done it. He’s lied to me about multiple different girls and his form of contact with them, he’s manipulated me in multiple ways, gaslighted me, made me feel bad for trying to leave. Has text my parents to try to make me feel bad and get back with him, has issues with my friends and family and tried to separate and isolate me from them
I know it’s a situation I don’t want to be in but I’m also scared

I don’t know how to leave.
I don’t know how to cope with the fact that I still care.
I want to report him but don’t want it to come back badly on me.
He lives in the same area as me and I don’t want him to release the videos he has of me (non consensual videos).

I think I’m overall just worried about making the wrong choice and not understanding the best way to get out the situation. I want to make the leap but I don’t know if I can do it.

Any advice and support that anyone could offer please?

[Lisa]

Hello gothT04,

Thank you for sharing this, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going though – it sounds like such a stressful and frightening situation.

In regards to the risk of your ex sharing the non-consensual videos, this organisation may be a useful one to be aware of: https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/

Intimate image abuse is a crime, and you are within your rights to seek support around this. It’s not okay for him to hold this over you or to have made these videos without your permission. There is more information about this here: https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/information-and-advice/about-intimate-image-abuse/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi gothT04

I completely get why you would be scared about doing anything, the threat from him feels very real. Him holding such intimate footage of you, even taken without your consent, is something that many women in your situation would feel very anxious about. The trouble is, it works very well at stopping doesn’t it. It, like many of an abusers arsenal of weaponry, stops women from acting to bring consequences against the abuser.

Most women just want to get on with living life without abuse and threat, so to face court situations or involvement of complete strangers in their most intimate of intimate experiences, just feels so wrong.

For some its the right thing to do, to make the abuser face consequences for vile and heinous crimes against women, but its not for all women. Its worth looking into for all women, but not all will want to go through.

All I can say, from personal experience, is that sometimes the support you will get in going through such a process can be the best at giving you the optimum opportunities to speak your truth in the most supported ways, or it could be the worst too, and can make life even more hell than it was before, causing additional trauma.

In your shoes, I would want to know what was available for me before entering into anything, and to make sure you have everything you need in place to support you properly through any steps you may wish to take.

I don’t think there is a looming deadline for you to meet in reporting, so you can take your time with this, don’t rush yourself and know what you want to get out of this at the end. I was going to suggest the revengeporn organisation, so it might be worth seeing what they are offering, what it would involve, and what you might gain from taking any steps.

I feel for you, and so sorry that you are facing this. I hope you can feel free to express on here, or wherever you need, to feel supported as you work through it.

warmest wishes

ts

[Fallingleaves]

Hi gothT04

So sorry to hear you’re going through this and the horrible ways your partner is treating you. It’s such a scary and confusing time but I just wanted to say that you can do it. Gather advice, make plans, take whatever steps you need to feel prepared and look ahead to a brighter future. I know it can feel impossible but one day you will look back on this and be so grateful to be out.
I just wanted to say it’s totally normal to feel torn about leaving, I found it so so hard, and still do, as however badly they treat us we still care and worry about them, but just know that’s completely normal and part of the process, and doesn’t mean you should stay with them. You deserve to be treated kindly and with love.
Good luck

[Author]

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