Tagged: Leaving an abuser
20th July 2022 at 11:34 pm #147242gettingtiredParticipant
Every time a leaving date approaches I just crumple.
I am basically being bullied by him everyday now and am always waiting for the next verbal attack. I am so miserable in my life yet when there’s a chance to leave behind his back I go to pieces and just want to cling on to him. I have no life outside of doing what he wants us to do. My work is my safe haven, he doesn’t really like me working and would probably be happier if I didn’t go at all and just moped about with him as he doesn’t work. Revolving my entire life around him and his needs is so normal to me now. I’m constantly on edge and hyper vigilant. He’s a non-functioning alcoholic in denial who uses drugs on and off, his family bury their heads in the sand and don’t want to know. He has threatened with taking me to court over finances, threatened to lock me out, break up with me, said he might have to meet someone else etc even though we are still together. It’s all empty threats but I’m terrified of what lengths he may go to if I did leave him. He’s already said the police won’t do anything if I was to go to them.
On the contrary, he’s the funniest person I know, we have lots in common and he can be lovely. So the cognitive dissonance is mind bending.
I’m being bullied by his family as well as him and they’re all coercing me into signing a financial contract. They’re bullying me into this whilst also basically making out how terrible I am. Why would they want to force me into something when I’m apparently no good?
I don’t know what to do anymore, it feels like there is desperate grief whether I stay or go. I know people will say at least if you leave then eventually you’ll feel better but that doesn’t make me feel any more confident about leaving. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in another reality because this is too painful to deal with. I’m not suicidal but I’m completely frozen.
21st July 2022 at 11:19 am #147260HawthornParticipant
Sorry to hear things are so tough for you Gettingtired. Going from a place where he is the centre of your life and every minute not at work is spent catering to his every whim to contemplating leaving him is unsurprisingly very overwhelming. Try to be gentle with yourself.
Could you consider taking some baby steps towards carving out some time that’s just yours. Not work, something that feeds your soul. Maybe a class once a week to start? Or volunteering with a cause you’re passionate about? It can help to remember the things we enjoyed as children: at age 8 what did you enjoy? If it was colouring maybe you could join an art class, if it was nature maybe a foraging course or introduction to gardening, If animals maybe there’s a shelter you could go to volunteer in?
Taking small steps towards a life,interests and people that don’t all centre around him will at least make your life alot more pleasant whether you choose to stay or leave. I understand how difficult this be, that he won’t be happy and will guilt you about it, but notice that too; abusers don’t want us to have anything that makes us happy. People who love us want us to be happy and fulfilled, to follow our passions and live our best life. It’s what you want for him, it’s not unreasonable to expect him to want the same for you xx
21st July 2022 at 12:09 pm #147261nbumblebeeParticipant
You have taken some huge steps of late you really have you just dont give yourself enough credit for those. You are more ready than ever since we began chatting but you just put far too much pressure on yourself and you go into panic mode.
You now see you know exactly what he is and does and how badly he and his family bully you.
He has backed you into a corner and there isnt much choice for you sweetie his threats are just that threats to scare you he knows you are close to leaving he knows he has pushed you too far which is why he has now backed you into this corner he is scared you will leave he needs you far far more than you will ever need him and you know that.
All those baby steps and big ones all those ducks of yours that are now lined up ready to go are just waiting for you to take that one big final step.
BUT sweetie as much as I want you to go gosh I want you to go so so much those ducks will stay put in that row those steps foward will still be there your support network you so bravely got all those will still be there if you decide this time isnt right, its a side step not a back step just a step to the side to breethe to just be.
So as much as you are so ready if this time it doesnt feel right then breeth side step and keep believeing. There is no right or wrong just do you. Xxxxx
21st July 2022 at 4:04 pm #147268BananaboatParticipant
Be kind to yourself, what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. Gosh, even after separating for months with a new home set up I still struggled to leave, that bond is blooming strong! But look at this way, you’re unhappy, you’re being forced to do things, your life isn’t how you want it to be, you’re happiness (just like mine was) is work ie away from him.
If you don’t do it this time, another chance will come. It will. And with each plan you’ll grow stronger until one time you bite the bullet and do it. Yes it’s scary leaving and there’s lots to sort but I love the saying you’ve been strong enough to live so far, you’re more than strong enough to thrive outside!
21st July 2022 at 11:07 pm #147298FunduroParticipant
The police may do nothing, like they did in my case when they let my ex stalk me for over a year. Formal complaints written and I’m waiting for a response from the police. I’m sure it will be some fake apology and nothing more. But you have to think of your life and your safety. Put a plan to, an escape plan, pack all essential things, go to a women’s refuge, he won’t find you there. Leaving them will feel so painful but there is a life of freedom out there, he just doesn’t want you to see it, it’s all part of the brain washing and control of these weak abusive men. You can do it. I left someone I loved very much, because he was abusive. It still hurts (detail removed by Moderator) on, but not as much as him abusing me on the daily. I’m rooting for you to leave that bully and his pathetic family. My ex had a family of pathetic rude people too, seems to be another theme…
22nd July 2022 at 4:03 pm #147336LisaMain Moderator
I’m so sorry that you’ve had this experience with the police, Funduro. You should always be able to expect the police to take domestic abuse seriously and take action to help keep survivors save.
Most local domestic abuse services will have advocates to support with communicating with agencies such as the police if needed. There’s also information about the process of reporting a crime to the police and what you can expect to happen on Rights of Women’s website and free legal advice available on their Criminal Law Line.
Take care and keep posting,
23rd July 2022 at 12:56 am #147378gettingtiredParticipant
Thanks for sharing this Lisa. My local DA service have not offered me any support like an advocate for communicating with police though. I was really hoping that was something they could help with because of how terrifying a prospect it is to involve police x
3rd August 2022 at 12:33 am #147945FunduroParticipant
I have now received a generic email response from the police, because of me formally complaining twice in the last year about their total incompetency in helping me in any way.
They still have not even been to speak to my abusive ex and this is over a year now they have let him stalk me and withhold my property plus many other things he should have been charged with already by them.
I find it amazing that they actually help anyone, given the abysmal experience they have put me through for no valid reason.
They did not take me seriously, at all and have not ever to be honest.
It is complete madness. I actually feel quite threatened by the police now because of their lack of concern and care about my stalking nightmare, and to me,they now feel like an extension of the ex’s abuse, by not charging him for the abuses that are illegal, that he did commit and which I submitted countless evidence for.
It is almost like my abusive violent nutjob ex is untouchable to the police and I’m at a loss as to why.
I feel envious of all the people who actually get help off the police. I have no idea what that feels like so no wonder I wouldn’t ever call them again.
I do not trust them one bit. Sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear but it’s my truth and I know my rights and I know the police have let me down and not followed correct procedures for domestic violence and stalking.
It used to shock me how little they did for me, now I’m just used to their total apathy.
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