Leaving guilt and more guilt.

[Enidblyton]

I feel really really guilty. I’ve researched how they can do this and make everything seem like your fault. But what if it is? I think he knew I was at the end and told him I was going to a solicitor. He kept saying ok I’ll do what you want. (In the last he’s threatened suicide and we’ve had t*t for tat for so long). He then kept messaging saying there must be a way. And I kept saying I deserve more. I don’t deserve to be treated the way you treat me. He kept saying he was sorry and that I am also to blame. I refused to take any blame. I honestly felt innocent. Until now. Because I stonewalled him so much repeatedly replying to any message he sent saying it’s over and I’ve had enough and I deserve more/ better. He (detail removed by Moderator). I refused it and said I deserve more. He then started drinking and asking me to come downstairs I kept saying no I’m going to sleep. He then drank himself into a stupid state and slammed doors and shouted. My son got scared and phoned a family member who phoned the police. They turned up, tried talking to him and he was too drunk to reason with. (detail removed by Moderator), arrested him and (detail removed by Moderator). I have never felt so disgustingly guilty and ashamed of myself in my life. For two reasons. If I had been kinder to his earlier messages this may not have happened. If I had left the house with the kids instead of waiting for the drama to unfold this would never have happened. The feeling in the pit of my stomach is pure dread.

[Allornothing]

Hi Enidblyton,

Please don’t feel guilty, your post resonates with me very much but sadly you have to let the drama unfold and let the police be involved. Unfortunately if you don’t give in, this is often the outcome and no one deserves to live like that. It can be a vicious cycle and we get to know it too well, the empty threats, putting the blame on us, them blowing up and in the end they want sympathy – they have no empathy.

Sending you lots of love, you did the right thing and your family member certainly did the right thing. xx

[Enidblyton]

Thank you for your reply.
I just feel really empty and sad now. He is ignoring my messages and I don’t know what’s happening since the police incident. I don’t know if he will be coming back home. If he is seeing the kids or what. I’m starting to feel a bit annoyed. I what you feel more annoyed than I do to stop me feeling so sad.

[Bananaboat]

I could’ve written your post. I remember that guilt and the tug but you have nothing to feel guilt. You didn’t wake up and just decide to stonewall him – this has built & built due to his behaviour and you’ve reached the point of ‘enough is enough’. His behaviour is trying to trigger your guilt and empathy so you’ll stay. If you’d gone downstairs you’d have either faced a barrage of abuse or he’d have expected sex.

Don’t feel guilty because do you know how scared your child was to call for help, remember that, not how angry your partner is for getting caught in his mess. He’s still acting like a child ignoring you, it’s all about control. If he’s anything like my ex then he’ll either rock up as if nothing happened, or throw it at your saying things like ‘he’d never call the police on you’. Focus on the next step and being safe x

[swanlake]

Thinking of you.
Whatever we do, abusers manage to create chaos and blame us. It doesn’t matter how we talk to them or what actions we take, they always find a way to use a situation to their advantage.
It’s so hard to know the truth with all the smoke and mirrors designed to disorient us.

[Allornothing]

There is a cycle to the behaviour. I used to plea for him to make contact which is what he wanted but then when I started to open my eyes, I would ignore and then the abuse would start and when that didn’t get a reaction from me, then the threats of suicide so my only option was to help. It took me a long time to realise the cycles and it is still happened now after so long. They are determined to ensure that they are always at the forefront of our minds and they don’t care what they have to do to ensure that happens. It is such a horrible vicious cycle, they have no empathy and it is very hard to break free from. Again sending lots of love and please never feel guilty xx

[Enidblyton]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate them and they are helping me grow stronger. He is making it easier for me to feel less guilt now. When I’m reflecting on it and trying to see where I went wrong, he offers no apologies and has not seen the children since the night it happened (where he scared them so much). He hasn’t asked about them or made any arrangements for them. He has booked himself a getaway for a week to clear his head. He has sent requests on how and what I pack for his family member to pick up. I can see it so clearly, why haven’t I seen this before, why hasn’t anyone close to me said anything. Married for so many years.

[Enidblyton]

I have found something really helpful, which may seem silly but it’s been a Godsend to me. If he messages and I feel really upset or annoyed or anything really, I reply in the notes on my phone and ignore him or just use a few factual words as a reply, for example ‘I’ll leave it by the front door’. Instead of the super long messages I usually send trying to explain everything. I hope I can stick to it.

[Bananaboat]

Well done! This is when you know you’re winning.

Re your other post – I got so angry thinking why didn’t anyone say anything if they could see what he was like/doing but then I wonder if they had would I have listened, and even when some did stuff & I defended him, it’s a crazy world.

[Enidblyton]

I’m still strong, made stronger by your messages so thank you. When you mentioned, defending him. I started to think when I have done this. But then I started to think about other things and wonder if they were as I took them – believed everything – or if it was made up. I’m not sure this will make any sense or if it is normal for me to be questioning everything right now. But I feel like I’ve spent over (detail removed by Moderator) years being tricked. Do others feel this way?

[Happybelle]

Feeling this. How’s it going now? Be interested to see how it’s going a few weeks on.

[Enidblyton]

I have left properly and the divorce papers have been issued. He has his own flat out of town and although he uses a parent app to send abusive messages, they are all recorded and sent to the solicitor. I feel free. Actually free. It worked and I never thought it would. I have many hurdles to get through yet but me and the kids are finally at peace from the stress of living with him. I can never thank this group enough, alongside the local womens help service who have been a strong support.

[Karisqq]

He’s responsible for his own behaviours. You left him for your sake, you’re protecting yourself, and your life. We’re not perfect, and it’s not your fault for the abuse. Abuser tends to make you feel blamed since that’s one of the way to make you stay. Don’t get trapped even you may be affected by that. It’s a very tough journey, but everything will past, including negative feelings, pls hold on hope!

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