Leaving ruined my life more

[HopeLoveHappiness]

Hey,

I’m new here, im just having such a hard time at the moment😭. I left my ex in (detail removed by Moderator), was with him for (detail removed by Moderator) years. He was abusive mentally and physically, also grabbed our daughter a few times. Basically he always threatened that if i left him he would take my daughter from me, which is one of the reasons why i stayed. Its a long story, but long story short allegations have been made towards myself and my partner and it has came from my daughter😭. I’ve had my police interview and was released without charge😢. My daughter admitted before that her dad and dads mum were putting things in her head, im struggling mentally, i went through hell with him, he even stopped me seeing my friends and family for (detail removed by Moderator) years😭, i know hes getting in to my daughters head, it makes it worse that its coming from her, she had a secret phone call with me and asked me to go pick her up then and there😭😭😭. And i had to tell her I couldn’t, she doesn’t understand the seriousness of her lies😭im honestly at breaking point now, i would never harm my child all i did was protect her from her dad, snd now her dad did what he said he was going to do😭i think if i had just stayed this wouldn’t have happened, although i was unhappy and abused then this wouldn’t have happened😭

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s really common for abusers to continue or get worse after separation when they are desperate to regain control and discredit us. Not sure what age your daughter is but I’d definitely speak to my GP about some professional and tailored counselling. Having a professional on your side who knows about abusers and their tactic can help. Have you ever had counselling or has your daughter. Knowledge is Power and if she is aware of abusers and their tactic then she has more chance of recognising what’s happening to her. Have you done the Freedom Programme with women’s aid. I know there’s now one for children too. It was very brave of you to leave this man and it’s easy to think that staying would have made things different but sadly he would just have abused you and your daughter right under your nose and taken much greater pleasure watching it. Talk to your local women’s aid and gather a support network round you. Your GP, counsellor, women’s aid, the NSPCC have a helpline too. I know my ex has alienated my son from me with his manipulation and lies and I share your pain. My son is older and I can only hope one day he is strong enough to recognise and stand up to his abuser. The fact your daughter rang you shows there’s still that connection. Keep the lines of communication open and record her calls to you x

[HopeLoveHappiness]

Thanks for all the support, it really does mean alot. I’ve been struggling so much, (detail removed by moderator)Its not only ruining my life, its ruining everyone who has contact with me😭i feel like im being punished for leaving, social work don’t care, I’ve told them i have concerns with her dad and they’ve just left her there😭. I’ve written everything from start to finish, i will post it here. Maybe get a better idea as to whats going on xx

 

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I agree that knowledge is power. The more you and your daughter understand his tactics, the less power he will have.
I’m concerned. Did your daughter want you to collect her from her father’s?
If so, can you ask a solicitor about it? If she was coerced to say things about you, and now you have to be even more careful, your daughter is more vulnerable because you can’t step out to help.
If she was scared or uncomfortable, this needs to be looked into. Even then, I know it’s difficult because social workers don’t really understand manipulation.
But it seems as though anyone can be collateral damage in your ex’s eyes, even your daughter.
I hope the best possible outcome for your situation. You have shown great strength in getting out. Keep it up. You can do this xx

[HopeLoveHappiness]

She did ask me several times “can you come pick me up right now” and when i told her that I couldn’t she sounded sad😭. But she seems to be telling me one thing and social work another 😭. When i told social work about it all they said was, thanks for letting us know, we will phone and make sure shes comfortable!! What has her being comfortable got to do with her wanting to come home😭. Xx

[Tickleribber]

Hi, just wanted to say that absolutely I agree with KIP that if you’d stayed it’s likely this would have happened anyway.
My husband managed to alienate my daughter a number of years ago by convincing her I was mentally ill, when in fact he had just attacked me physically for the kick it gave him and for no other reason.
Pure evil, fortunately my sons both see through him but I’m still not in contact with my daughter.
One of the reasons I will always loathe him, unfortunately I haven’t found a way out yet but I’m working on it.

[HopeLoveHappiness]

Im so sorry, how long have you not been in contact with your daughter for? Im scared that I won’t see her again, not because I’ve done anything wrong but because the longer shes with him, the more she turns against me. Everyone can see it but social work😭. Xx

[Hazydayz]

💗 I’m so sorry for you lovely. Welcome to this special place. our pain sharing space, where people care for you and what your going through. Thinking of you x 💞

[HopeLoveHappiness]

Thank you I appreciate this so much, i was offered to contact womans aid when i first left My ex, but I didn’t, i guess because i felt ashamed, i felt stupid. He was so good at manipulating that he made me believe that noone loved me or cared about me. He used to say things like if you leave me, noone will want you. I guess all that kinda had a part in me not wanting to speak to anyone, but i finally felt like it was time. I’ve lost friends in the last year from isolating myself, Depression finally got the best of me. Xx

[flufster]

Hi

I have exact same situation with my 2 girls. Their Dad took them after years of mental and physical abuse towards me and they are both saying they want to stay with him. He had me arrested for apparently attacking him but was released with NFA as it wasn’t true. He is claiming I am an alcoholic and it seems as though everyone swallowed his lies. (detail removed by Moderator) Supervised access to my own children who I have looked after since day one while he did his hobbies. He doesn’t work while I have a full time job. I am still in the family home and he won’t allow the girls to even visit here as he tells them it is a mess when that is not true. (detail removed by Moderator) I am so worried as the Social Workers seem to be taken in by him and the girls had nothing positive at all to say about me. They are being completely alienated and make comments about my weight the same as he used to. They tell me if I am nice to Daddy then I will be allowed to see them. He comes into the family home constantly and takes whatever he wants including my food. At least once, if not twice a day. He hung his (detail removed by Moderator) at the front door so when I came in I had to walk through it. He just won’t stop. The case of physical and coercive control (detail removed by Moderator) and he is potentially facing an (detail removed by Moderator) charge. How can (detail removed by Moderator) leave my girls with him when all I have been guilty of is apparently one day they had to make their own sandwich when I was unwell in bed ! It is costing me financially and health wise and if the girls continue to say they don’t want to be with me what chance do I have in court? I just don’t know anymore. Maybe he just wins as he has always done.

[HopeLoveHappiness]

Hey Flufuster💜,

Sounds like your having a really rough time, I know it’s hard but remember kids are so easily manipulated. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow. But in my case my ex was bribing our daughter so for example, if you say this we will take you here, or if you say this we will give you that, I say wee because his mum was a huge part of it aswell. I know it’s hard, but they will eventually realise how horrible of a person he is and they will realise the lies and the control. Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty or anything. You have done nothing wrong, by the sounds of it you have been a good mum. As mums thats all we can do, try our best. Don’t give up, I was at that stage, telling everyone I couldn’t do it anymore and that he could just keep her, for that I was wrong, but I was in a hole and didn’t know what else I could do. Your doing amazing, just keep going and know that I’m always here if you need a chat, keep your chin up💜

[diymum@1]

hey this is a more common senario than we think isnt it my grown up daughter dosent talk to me she was pitched against me its been a few years. flufster you should really site parental alienation (detail removed by Moderator). fight tooth an nail for them. the childs voice dosent way all that heavily (detail removed by Moderator) you know xx i had a long custody battle and i stopped my youngest going down the same road. have you started to gather evidence of his abuse? all of the ladies above ? xxxx

[diymum@1]

hey this is a more common senario than we think isnt it my grown up daughter dosent talk to me she was pitched against me its been a few years. flufster you should really site parental alienation (detail removed by Moderator). fight tooth an nail for them. the childs voice dosent way all that heavily (detail removed by Moderator) you know xx i had a long custody battle and i stopped my youngest going down the same road. have you sarted to gather evidence of his abuse? all of the ladies above ? xxxx

[Tracker]

I’m so sorry for those of you whose children live with the abuser.
It seems abusers are so manipulative that they can make everyone see what they want them to see and it’s not fair 😪
I pray you get either your children or the authorities to see sense 🙏
I feel so alone since he left with no friends or family but I have my children at least as I dont think he could handle the responsibility and my son is older and knows what he is like

[Bettyboop]

Hang on in there, you’re children will eventually see the reality of the situation no matter how long it takes. I grieve for you because I’ve been there. Hang on and look after yourself, then you will be able to look after them when they come back.

[HopeLoveHappiness]

Hello DIYmum💜

I wrote everything down, I mean everything. How much times I would call cp regarding my daughter, what the conversation consisted off. But it actually ended up in my favour, once the investigation was done, cp told me that they didn’t believe what had been said, but they need to take things like that seriously. They also told me that my ex would be charged with false allegations and wasting police time. Whether or not that has happened I have no idea, my daughter does not have any contact with her dad anymore, although I feel for my daughter I am so glad he’s out of our lives, especially because he was bribing her to lie, and that would have had a huge impact on her mental health. She’s doing a lot better at home (less tantrums) and doing so much better at school, everyone has told me they can see a difference. Xxxx

[HopeLoveHappiness]

Hey Bettyboop💜

You’re totally right. In my case that’s what happened. My daughter now sees her dad for what he truly is. She understands that he manipulated her, all I want and wanted was for her to be happy and now she is. X*x

[Author]

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