Leaving soon but terrified

[Selflove3]

I am hopeful to leave in the next couple months. I’m waiting for a few legal things I have to sort and ideally I don’t want to go into a refuge. My kids are settled into school and this is where my only support is. Idk how I would cope somewhere else. I also don’t have my own car so I wouldn’t have a way to get my kids to school. I’ve not got any money to rent privately so I’m hoping I can stay in this house but that will take a few miracles unfortunately.

I guess I’m just so scared. How will I afford the basics for my kids? Food, the rent. I won’t even have a phone bc this is technically my husbands that I’m using now. The car is in both our names but it’s not like I can afford the petrol or insurance for it. It just feels impossible.

I’m looking forward to when I finally get to leave but I’m just terrified I’m ruining my kids lives and I won’t be able to support them. I’ll do whatever it takes tho. I’m just scared for them.

We aren’t fleeing from violence, their dad will still be in the picture. He’s just emotionally and sexually abusive. I can’t take it anymore and my mental and physical health can barely keep up.

This probably sounds so jumbled. I feel like I’m just waiting for this legal stuff to go through so I can stay in the UK with my kids but that seems like the easiest of my problems. Then what ? My housing association says I can stay if I’m on the lease but where’s the money coming from? I can’t afford privately either. I don’t have an issue getting a full time job but I don’t have money for nursery fees either. It just feels like there is a brick wall everywhere I turn.

[Stargazing1]

Hi @Selflove3 , I’m sorry to hear how things are for you . Every single one of us here our hearts will go out to you and your children. Lots of people don’t want to go to a refuge and that’s OK. Obviously another down side is the expense for you . I don’t know if you have already done I was just wondering if Citizens advice could help you in any way it’s only a little idea . I wish you all the very best with getting things sorted out for yourself and your children. Sending hugs. Please take care of yourselves.

[Gotthatrite]

@selflove3 hi, could you move in with family or friends if you don’t want to go into a refuge?? If not, could you stay where you are until your more financially secure. By that I mean, start having your own income, a wee job that fits around, school/nursery hours and have it put into separate bank account, if needed. Would that be an option? I know it’s not as easy but just a few options. Also contact citizens advice for further options with universal credit etc and your doctor to help with your mental health. I hope you get sorted and just take it day by day, baby steps, you will get there.

[Selflove3]

Thank you, I do have friends I could stay with if necessary. I just don’t want too much confusion for the kids. I know it’s never going to be a perfect situation and I’ll do whatever it takes. I just wish I had more answers I suppose.

[browneyedmum]

We aren’t fleeing from violence… He’s just emotionally and sexually abusive.

That… sorta kinda reads like forms of violence to me, tbf.

I know when I got started with leaving my ex, I didn’t feel like I had many options either. But also my anger and grief was getting in the way of thinking more creatively– it gave me tunnel vision, big time.

My kids are settled into school and this is where my only support is.

Surprisingly, my kids’ pastoral care at school have been a tremendous source of support. One school told me to come in for a cup of tea and a cry anytime I needed. Same school said they’re happy to keep hold of go-bags for us as well.

Other school’s pastoral care told me something really lovely just last week, “Sometimes I don think us mums hear this enough, but you are doing fantastically especially with everything that is going on.”

Of course I bawled for an hour.

Lean in to your neighbours, friends and community. Continue chatting here for ideas. Tunnel vision can be so horrid when you’re sad, scared, and angry. Find your allies and stick with them.

And yes, it is terrifying oh so very much. But you’ve already proven that you’ve got some grit what with hanging on so long with the abuse. You can do this. It’ll be okay xX.

[Selflove3]

Thank you, this is really kind.

I know I’ll get through it. The financials I think are some of the scariest bits. Idk where I’ll get that money from but I suppose it works out somehow. Like you said, it’s just hard to see right now.

[Littlepixie]

Have you contacted women’s aid and citizens advice. I am on a low income & could never afford to run a house. My husband earns almost more in a week than I do in a month. This is something he regularly tells me that he’s the one that puts food on the table, roof over our heads etc. I’m looking at private rental. On my current wage which varies because of my term time contract I can get up to £(detail removed by moderator) a month. This includes £(detail removed by moderator) allowance for housing. I will get more the months that my wage is lower. It will be tough but I can’t stay here. I will have to but everything from scratch because I’ll not get beds or anything out. As long as I have beds for my kids and a kettle that’ll do me to start. I have had so many setbacks the last 2 weeks and I’m still struggling. I go from feeling positive to crying and feeling helpless. I now need a guarantor to be able to rent and I really didn’t any my parents to know because they’re pensioners. Sending love xx

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