- This topic has 14 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I’m leaving him (detail removed by moderator), he doesn’t know and I have never felt so much guilt. I’ve spent the last few months coming to terms that I’ve been in a abusive marriage for years following an incident involving my daughter. Why does it feel like I’m in the wrong and destroying his life?
-
Hello Hopeandstrength
The guilt is all his, please don’t take on his guilt. I know for sure you have tried everything you can to make this work, and its a shock to realise whats been happening and that you were never going to be able to make this work. I’m so sorry for your loss of hopes and dreams with him.
If you’d been in a proper partnership and relationship you wouldn’t have to resort to such measures, and doing things in secret like this. For your sake, you need to, and him refusing to take the guilt for what he’s done, doesn’t mean someone else has to take it on. Your drive is do whats normal and respectful, as if you were in a normal respectful relationship, but he changed those rules and made it an abnormal situation, which you have come to realise.
I wish you all the best for (detail removed by moderator), strength and stealth in equal measures.
warmest wishes
ts
-
-
Good luck remind yourself why you are doing this no one would do it like this if it was safe to do any other way – it comes from a place of danger and/or desperation. I felt terrible guilt writing that note but oh my that wentquick after his post separation abuse and the true horror of his abuse became clear. SO set your intention keep moving forwards it should be his guilt that brought you to this tho abusers seem immune to that. You feel that because you are a good person but throw it off you are on your way and we are all here for you. Good luck keep safe and step into your brilliant future x
-
-
I remember those exact feelings. But nothing is ever enough for an abusive person. At the end of the day their relationship goals aren’t loving. They are self serving and control based.
I’d really recommend the book Out of the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) sand lots and lots of Dr Ramani.
Good luck. Please do keep us posted.
GR x
-
-
-
Thank you so much for your reply’s, I read them this morning and honestly they all touched my heart. Knowing people out there have and are experiencing similar situations and have come out the other side gives such hope and strength.
I did it, we are out and trying to settle into a new place. He’s not back from being away yet so doesn’t know so the guilt is still there eating away at me. It’s been such an emotional day full of tears, second thoughts anxiety and panic attacks but also of solidarity and love from my amazing friends.
I can’t decide how to tell him. I feel I need no contact for a bit to rebuild strength but equally feel I owe him telling this to his face after so many years together. -
well done Hopeandstrength!
please keep your energy for yourself, and now you have walked away and physically left, the harder part can be to emotionally and psychologically separate and leave him behind in your history.
Remember you owe him nothing, a simple letter that you have left, and won’t be back. All energy you give to him will be wasted, and I don’t think I’ve heard any woman say that anything good came of having that convo with an abuser, same as any convo, but especially this one.
Enjoy your peace and quiet, and place the guilt firmly where it belongs, with him. I know its a huge thing to do, and ordinarily women wouldn’t leave this way, but his behaviour demands it. If you could have done it any other way you would have. Its risky to go backwards, you have your futures and they will need all your energy.
warmest wishes
ts
-
Thank you ts, I know the guilt shouldn’t be mine but I have been struggling so much with coming to terms that my husband is an abuser. The years of gradual coercive control and gaslighting has left me questioning what’s real and what isn’t. He always makes me feel like he’s the victim and I’m the one breaking up the family. I think it’s why I started self harming, a scar to remind myself how bad it was and how bad he made me feel.I hoping today will be better and I’ll start getting the strength to continue putting me and my daughter first,
-
-
Today was so up and down. When I was in my new place with my daughter I felt hopeful and empowered but as soon as I went back to the old place to get more things I was an emotional wreck. He’s not home again till (detail removed by moderator) and I’m dreading what will follow when he finds out we aren’t there.
-
good to hear back from you and I think its realistic to expect some up and down at this stage. Also, yes, returning to a place of trauma is going to be very emotional and anxiety inducing, you did well to even face going back. Another difficult day achieved and accomplished.
I totally get that, that you are still coming to terms with realising whats been going on, and the challenges that brings to you. My words were to let you know that you can let go of that now, bit by bit, let go and leave it behind you, keep practising looking forward.
Strength and hugs to you. Try to have a day without him tomorrow, even if you just allocate yourself a few hours or whatever you can manage, maybe half hour chunks, but keep doing it and getting used to shutting him out for periods of time, to give you a break, you need it.
warmest wishes
ts
-
Dear Hopeandstrength,
Welcome to the forum, I’m glad you’ve found us and have been able to get some support through this very challenging time. You’ve made a huge step. I echo the advice above; be kind to yourself and take things a day at a time. It is normal to go through a range of emotions. Sometimes it can help to write down your thoughts and read them through, and even write down the abuse that has happened; it can be useful to read it back during times of doubt. You have had to leave in this way because of his abuse and control. You had no choice and he is the only person responsible.
Your anxiety about what might be to come is totally natural; please consider accessing some support to get some safety measures in place if you feel you might need them. Remember you do not have to reply to any contact from him. Your focus now is on you and your daughter and your recovery.
Are you in touch with your local domestic abuse service? They can offer ongoing emotional and practical support.
You can find if there is a local service in your area by clicking on the following link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/There is also support available from our Live Chat service. You can chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/You can read more about protecting yourself after you’ve left in the safety planning section of the Survivor’s Handbook here.
Keep Posting,
Lisa
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
